tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-47806692895080033922024-02-20T12:54:42.317-05:00LIVE , LAUGH , COOKsusanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00821417750280410272noreply@blogger.comBlogger231125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4780669289508003392.post-25893382612568793752012-04-29T21:02:00.001-04:002012-04-29T21:02:29.698-04:00My Hospital stay<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
I have not been feeling good for weeks now. Dry heaves, throwing up, exhaustion. I just couldn't shake it. I know I had a full week of doctors rests and visits coming up and Clint and I just looked at each other in tears and thought "How" how can I do this.<br />
My week consisted of Monday~ oncologist visit, Tuesday~ Radiation Oncologist visit, also~ Interventional radiation visit.<br />
Wednesday~ CT/PT scan, Thursday ~Flow study test. Every day in town for something else, long and laborious. I was dry heaving several times a day and without warning, taking my medicines but nothing was helping. I was in bed sick and tired.<br />
On Monday when I went into see my oncologist, dry heaving and gagging the whole way, tears streaming down my face, he told Clint."I need to put her in the hospital. Go to the emergency at Jeff, I will call ahead."<br />
I did not want to go to the hospital, not sure why but I did know now that I did not have a choice. As Clint drove up Broad Street to Jeff, I was upset but knew I had to do this.<br />
We were admitted on Monday around 10 AM. I was placed a a emergency room and they started with the testing. I finally got a room around 6PM, busy, busy hospital.<br />
My experience was nothing like I could imagine. My room was new, the nurses and doctors and right down to Transport, who take you from test to test. These people were wonderful, friendly. The thing I heard most other than,"Can I take your vital signs" was what can I do to make you feel better, make you comfortable, too cold? too hot? need water?<br />
I stayed in the hospital until Friday. I kept spiking a 102.5 fever. They gave me every test know to man, I think. They checked my tummy and colon for a blockage, my gallbladder, a cat scan of my head, chest, abdomen. Blood work every day, of course done at 4 AM. Cultures, samples of anything that comes out of your body. I had so many tests I lost count.<br />
From all this testing I did find out that the cancer is NO WHERE else. Only in my liver. Which makes me happy, because when you are feeling sick, every ache and pain is Cancer to you. All my doctors came to me in the hospital to meet and discuss my treatments and test results. These doctors are young, knowledgeable, confident and efficient right along with the nurses, they answered every question and put us at ease. I did have the Flow study, they go into the groin to see if they can find a path to the liver to inject the radioactive pellets that will "Kill" the Cancer. All went well with that too, they found a path. This was done under conscious sedation, which means you are awake, but you just don't care.<br />
I have only one complaint during my 5 days there~ NO SLEEP. I know you hear this all the time but it is true. Every hour they came in for something else, usually starting at 10 PM or so, vital signs, blood cultures, heparin shot in the belly at 2 AM( not a fun way to wake up) chest ex ray, yes in the middle of then night, more vital signs, more blood, take your pills, no sleep for 5 days. When I left there on Friday night I wanted to go to bed for a week.<br />
I came home tired but at least I knew that my whole body was scanned and tested and probed. I am scheduled for the radioactive pellets in two weeks time, if the insurance company approves it. I am tired, been sleeping non stop to try to catch up on my lost sleep, but I do not have dry heaves and I am feeling better every day.<br />
Sometimes you think you know what is good for you but this was not the case. A visit to a Wonderful Hospital like Jefferson put my mind at ease and let me know that the medical profession still cares, while I am still be treated, this is very important to me. <br />
I know it's been a awhile since I wrote but now you know why!<br />
Thanks again for all the cards and notes I came home to, I really appreciate your love and hope in me.susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00821417750280410272noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4780669289508003392.post-77772878942473002852012-04-13T20:09:00.000-04:002012-04-13T20:09:10.264-04:00Falling Falling Falling<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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My cousin Daniele from Italy, my Mom and my Dad, a favorite picture,having dinner at our home.<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
As a child when you fall you seem to bounce back up. I often watch children run and play, fall and tumble and get right back up with out a problem.<br />
<br />
Falling for an adult is an entirely different experience.<br />
I am not sure if it because we are less close to the ground or our bodies hurt more as we get older but I am here to tell you it is a traumatic experience.<br />
<br />
This week around 12 noon or so, after I was finished with throwing up and getting my head on straight and not feeling dizzy, Clint and I decided to take me out. I have been in the house for what seemed like forever.<br />
<br />
We drove to Lancaster to pick up some plants for the garden.<br />
<br />
It was a wonderful day, we had fabulous lunch at a Greek place, I had grilled octopus and Skordia, a mashed potato dip, and feta cheese. We relaxed and talked and forget all about the cancer.<br />
We drove to Lancaster and although it was a cool day, spent time at the nursery checking out trees and bushes. We came home with lots of containers of Scotch Broom, which I love.<br />
<br />
The hour and a half ride home through the country side of Lancaster was beautiful. I was calm and collected and so happy to be out and gather flowers for my garden.<br />
<br />
I made one major mistake, as we pulled into the driveway and parked, Clint said to me loud and clear, "Go inside and I will unload the truck". Me being me, who always helped, got out the truck way too fast, picked up a large container of Scotch broom. Little did I know the thing had wings, I got dizzy and it pulled me up the driveway, with Clint yelling all the time"what are you doing" he said I passed him at 100 miles an hour and thought, this is not good.<br />
<br />
Never did I think to drop the flowers and roll on the grass. I hit knees hard on the asphalt, rolled over, my body in shock, pummeled my left side and started bawling hysterically. My good mood vanished with the drop of the Scotch broom. When Clint could get me off the ground, both knees bruised, couldn't walk, calmed me down somewhat and brought me upstairs.<br />
<br />
The phone rang and it was my oncologist asking how I was doing~perfect timing~ I was a mess! I told him I just fell and he was very concerned, he wanted to see me, he wanted to put me in the hospital, he had been saying this for a week or more and I DID NOT want to go to the hospital. You know me and rejecting everything first! I was dehydrated and he ordered fluids. I went to see him today. We had a wonderfully long conversation as we talked about how I feel good for a day and bad for three days. I've been getting headaches which I hadn't before so more tests.<br />
<br />
But, to tell you the truth I feel good today, I am sitting here writing a blog. I ate 3 meals without bringing it up. Could be the Cancer, could be the chemo, could be anxiety, could be the mini steroid I am taking. Who knows, at this point my least favorite thing is the steroids, so I will gradually remove them and go on. Today I feel like doing things, I will hope and yes, set my mind to~each day is special, feeling good or not!<br />
Thanks Doc for taking the time to go through every possible question, concern and for being so compassionate, I am lucky to have you on my side.susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00821417750280410272noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4780669289508003392.post-42840219591640392782012-04-08T19:39:00.002-04:002012-04-08T20:24:30.252-04:00BUONA PASQUA~HAPPY EASTER<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i><b> WINDOW WITH A VIEW</b></i><br />
<br />
I am blessed, I know I say that a lot but it is true.<br />
<br />
I am surrounded by arms wide open and prayers and thoughts and love all around me.<br />
<br />
I feel this every day, especially when I am sick and too tired to get out of bed. I think of my wonderful bedroom, where I have been spending most of my time (other than the bathroom floor), three beautiful windows that look out into the sky, my comfortable bed, and my husband that doesn't take his eyes off me.<br />
Tina and Dominick are like Hawks, they follow my every move, they are my "watchers" too, I am Lucky indeed!<br />
<br />
I am surrounded by love and hope and inspiration from all my clients who I really like to call my friends. That has what you become, my army of inspiration, the hands that hold me up and tell me it will be OK. All your wishes, cards and messages and hope for me is overwhelming. I am blessed, I am lucky.<br />
<br />
I had a wonderful dinner with close family. We ate at my Mom's, she insisted. I have still been beleaguered with side effects, so I was happy to be at my Mom's. Everyone made something and it was wonderful. We talked, we argued, we laughed, we remembered my Dad. Another holiday thinking of him at the table, enjoying the meal and joking with everyone. In my heart he was there.<br />
<br />
Next two weeks~ lots of tests and meeting with doctors. The chemo isn't working and they are proceeding with the Interventional Radiology. Those tiny pellets they put in the liver to kill it. I figure what the heck, they tried to burn them out, microwave really, it didn't work, they tired to poison them out with high does of chemo, that didn't work so now they want to radiate them out. What the heck, go with the flow!<br />
Speaking of flow, before this happens they will do a FLOW STUDY to see if they can get the pellets where they want them. That is on April 26. Operation is May10 if that works out.<br />
I am feeling better every day. Still have some really bad days but I can see I am coming out of this, thank goodness, it has been a long road and I want <b><i>me</i></b> back.<br />
I thank each and everyone of you who has thought about me or sent me a note(love those notes) couldn't do this without family and friends. So THANK YOU I wish you a blessed and peaceful Spring.susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00821417750280410272noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4780669289508003392.post-19502404113565526872012-03-30T15:04:00.001-04:002012-03-30T15:15:56.759-04:00Tangled<br />
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<br />
<br />
No miracle yet, but I believe.<br />
<br />
I just finished watching a movie called "Tangled".<br />
It is a Walt Disney movie based on Rapunzel. I put it on for the kids, their request but I finished watching the movie myself. I couldn't tear myself away.<br />
<br />
Of course it started as almost all movies do, the good guys and the bad guys. It was an intriguing story, as the characters worked their way through situation after situation, always trying no matter what.<br />
At the end, as the good guys won and the brightly lit lanterns filled the sky (I can't tell you everything!) It brought tears to my eyes (been emotional lately). I realized that no matter what, no matter the MRI or PT scans or cancer or feeling bad, it was up to me to be happy. Each and every day. It was my choice.<br />
<br />
I closed my eyes and thought, none of us know the future, so I might as well be the best I can be even if it is not as I was 2 years ago. I can still be filled with joy as the sun rises and I see a new day, It can make my heart sing to see the flowers of spring bursting all over, I am happy to be surrounded by such a overwhelming show of love and support and prayers. I can say that I kiss each one of you that send a card, email or anything, I bless you and love you, it helps me every day.<br />
<br />
And so for the MRI report.<br />
<br />
I went yesterday with high hopes in my heart but not on my face. I was nervous, tired, still not feeling well and not knowing if I could do another chemo.<br />
Clint and I waited in the doctors office for him to come in a read the report.<br />
He came in closed the door and looked utterly perplexed. He said to me" Susan the report indicates that you have had a mixed response to therapy" what this means is that the large tumor that they were targeting with the chemo has responded and shrunk about the size of a dime. It went from 12 cm to 9 cm. BUT, there is always a but, more tumors have pooped up, small but new. HOW CAN THAT HAPPEN??????? while killing one, more show up???<br />
<br />
He said he has to think about this and seeing how sick I was he took me off this type of chemo. It is not working he said. He told me he will consult with the other doctors and get back to me by Monday.<br />
I went home tired, scared and relived to tell the truth, at least I have some time to recover and get my spirit and strength back.<br />
This news brought me down yesterday but when I woke up this morning I thought"no one knows the future" I will continue to believe in my miracle and think the best will happen no matter what, I do believe this to be true!!<br />
And so like Tangled I will know that the good guys will win!!!!I am a good guy!!!<br />
<br />susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00821417750280410272noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4780669289508003392.post-43477866037537776692012-03-28T12:06:00.000-04:002012-03-28T12:06:50.684-04:00Tough three weeks<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifgUKJCwhUhswFTq_8LRS6B5UA-vQdev39fcq3XdlOBAZeqOCr7N64b5Smv4Nl7MUJXfTFmQ8650qZql_3hCpMB-15O58UD6q1b4lBIGKLSqzfaQLksg3uvJjWk6I2SZlV4W2X7wIQlpZH/s1600/IMG_0620.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifgUKJCwhUhswFTq_8LRS6B5UA-vQdev39fcq3XdlOBAZeqOCr7N64b5Smv4Nl7MUJXfTFmQ8650qZql_3hCpMB-15O58UD6q1b4lBIGKLSqzfaQLksg3uvJjWk6I2SZlV4W2X7wIQlpZH/s320/IMG_0620.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<br />
I am scheduled for chemo tomorrow. My oncologist gave me off last week again.<br />
<br />
I had a tough time. As I said before this chemo is cumulative and each time I get infused it gets worse. I had severe dry heaves, nausea, getting up in the middle of the night to throw up, just awful, violent really. I had tears in my eyes most of the past three weeks. It is hard not to, between having the runs one day, having constipation the next day, that is another thing that just throws you right off. I was dehydrated and the doctor sent 4 bags of fluids, I was re-accessed and I gave myself those fluids. They made me feel a little better but the tiredness and the wanting just to throw up all the time is so taxing.<br />
<br />
Yesterday, 3 weeks after chemo I started to feel like myself again, just thinking about things I want to do made me feel better. I had my MRI yesterday, a beautiful day spent downtown in a waiting room for 6 hours. I won't know the results until maybe tomorrow when I go back for my chemo.<br />
I am expecting a miracle. Really I am. This chemo has been so tough it has to be tough on my cancer too, wouldn't you think?<br />
<br />
Some days I am down and this is one of them. This is not a joyful blog, it is one of tears, tiredness, and I just want this to be over. It is how I feel, not everyday, but these times when I am waiting for a scan result, it wears on me. <br />
Thank you, everyone for all the support, cards, prayers, thoughts, notes. It really helps me.I appreciate it all.susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00821417750280410272noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4780669289508003392.post-23796397450574429082012-03-16T17:43:00.000-04:002012-03-16T17:43:19.212-04:00A Magnificent Inheritance<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5e2q_N9zmOf1Ig_FmMlEsYGzZRvFpijhbh9O3vQiUjRxIfyH5xdqNCcA7LMKOWJ6qHk1ED_64e2U3fW9LThP0S4bBbxaFlPmOLV02yaVSLOhiJ8PAbw0LwOJdHjcxzbzXFCoEdvwjitWr/s1600/IMG_9144.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5e2q_N9zmOf1Ig_FmMlEsYGzZRvFpijhbh9O3vQiUjRxIfyH5xdqNCcA7LMKOWJ6qHk1ED_64e2U3fW9LThP0S4bBbxaFlPmOLV02yaVSLOhiJ8PAbw0LwOJdHjcxzbzXFCoEdvwjitWr/s320/IMG_9144.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
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<br />
As a little girl I also knew how lucky I was. I had a stay at home Italian mother who cooked every meal, every day.<br />
For breakfast I had fried eggs cooked in olive oil with crunchy toasted Italian bread to dip, I had hot lunches when I came home from school at noon.<br />
I had wonderful dinners with my family.<br />
My mother was and is still a magnificent cook. My dad would work late at the Barber shop and get home around 7 PM, we had all eaten but we would sit at the linen laid table while he had a wonderful hot meal. Toasted bread, a glass of wine, a fresh green salad and my mom would usually make 3 other things, a pasta, a meat and a vegetable. It was always wonderful.<br />
As my dad retired, while he was still able to drive they would go out and eat for lunch. When his driving abilities disappeared she made a hot fabulous lunch for him every day. I live only a half a block away and if I stopped at lunch I would find them facing each other at the table with their glass of wine laughing, enjoying each other and reminiscing of old time. She would always add a chair and I would join them.<br />
When my dad passed in November, a few days afterwards, my mom said to me" I am not cooking anymore" I couldn't believe my ears. "Mom you are a wonderful cook, everyone loves your cooking and you love to do it"<br />
Well the world works in strange ways. Soon after my dad passed I had some tests that indicated the cancer was back with a force, I was not eating and losing weight fast. This upset my mother greatly and she started to invite us to a hot lunch at 1 PM everyday so I was sure to eat. Clint and I are not picky eaters but eating my mothers food is like dining at a fine Italian restaurant in Italy daily.<br />
We are in heaven, I stopped losing weight, Clint has the biggest smile on his face and we get to spend all that quality time with my mom. Stuffed cabbage, roasted chicken and potatoes, veal in a lemon sauce, meatballs an gravy meat, roasted sausage unbelievable stuff!<br />
She is a strong women and everyday I see her she amazes me more.<br />
She talks about past, present and future with no problems at all, her memory is unbelievable, her desire to shop and travel and gamble at the casino is phenomenal <b><i>AND </i></b>We have inherited my fathers wonderful gift of my Mothers food!<br />
Every day during my treatment I try to change my thoughts to something positive and bright. This is my gift. I am truly blessed by this. Thanks Mom!!!!susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00821417750280410272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4780669289508003392.post-5372279959524874042012-03-14T18:03:00.000-04:002012-03-14T18:03:13.745-04:00Sick sick sickI've been sick since last week. Sick Sick Sick. The doctor gave me a week off to get back to normal but I had only one day. I went out on Friday with my mom and Clint for a short time and then stayed in bed the rest of the time. When I went for chemo on Thursday he suggested another week off to recover.<br />
This is a serious drug, this is a nasty drug, it is cumulative. Every week it makes you weaker and weaker. He wants to do a serious of test as well, an MRI next week so I thought that if I didn't feel good all last week maybe I should just get on with it and so I did. I got chemo again on Thursday.<br />
It put me down, I was and still am not feeling good. Just sick, queasy, nauseous, dry heaves, tired, tired tired, no other way to say it 24 hours a day. Almost too tired to take a shower at night. I need a rest just to think about going to the bathroom!<br />
I have not read emails in so long, my desk is a big mess, I know I wanted to write a blog but couldn't think straight.<br />
I was reaccessed and given 2 liters of fluids and also a steroid for my nausea that I hope is working.<br />
I just want to feel better. These gorgeous days outside with the spring breeze and all the flowers~ I want to be outside!<br />
So just an update. Still sick, still fighting, still positive, still OK but CAN"T wait to get better real soon!<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5gkJjfEGCM2B77Lw4UXHK_-5dvPISmKUOk81x9d8rBjQGu3GmTNnK2y_gMRm-OIEyOy3Fz5aeIwj3KAj-v4N9VlsrSRSXQwGfbNdL8o97BXs3pHTfPFlhzrL5r-2tkwE7nhGFZQL9XANi/s1600/IMG_2657.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5gkJjfEGCM2B77Lw4UXHK_-5dvPISmKUOk81x9d8rBjQGu3GmTNnK2y_gMRm-OIEyOy3Fz5aeIwj3KAj-v4N9VlsrSRSXQwGfbNdL8o97BXs3pHTfPFlhzrL5r-2tkwE7nhGFZQL9XANi/s320/IMG_2657.JPG" width="240" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5gkJjfEGCM2B77Lw4UXHK_-5dvPISmKUOk81x9d8rBjQGu3GmTNnK2y_gMRm-OIEyOy3Fz5aeIwj3KAj-v4N9VlsrSRSXQwGfbNdL8o97BXs3pHTfPFlhzrL5r-2tkwE7nhGFZQL9XANi/s1600/IMG_2657.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5gkJjfEGCM2B77Lw4UXHK_-5dvPISmKUOk81x9d8rBjQGu3GmTNnK2y_gMRm-OIEyOy3Fz5aeIwj3KAj-v4N9VlsrSRSXQwGfbNdL8o97BXs3pHTfPFlhzrL5r-2tkwE7nhGFZQL9XANi/s320/IMG_2657.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>Thanks for all the prayers and love!susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00821417750280410272noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4780669289508003392.post-2451140268557670012012-03-03T10:44:00.000-05:002012-03-03T10:44:20.827-05:00"So, you want me to SPRING you?"<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLBXqKnG4M6awXebDeOxDK_3pU_Fqabb0tKtuXQWJHl_OJn07Pkgl5de9p8OJA7OK5UEG_DzsBNnYZhL-dOvTEUTfqCKO5TV-NxQmtpkm4Ey7EnbtTYBVNJTdhlGQSBWEBpZXI7UChJ5jt/s1600/IMG_3858.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLBXqKnG4M6awXebDeOxDK_3pU_Fqabb0tKtuXQWJHl_OJn07Pkgl5de9p8OJA7OK5UEG_DzsBNnYZhL-dOvTEUTfqCKO5TV-NxQmtpkm4Ey7EnbtTYBVNJTdhlGQSBWEBpZXI7UChJ5jt/s320/IMG_3858.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
That is what my doctor said to me on Thursday.<br />
<br />
I had my port accessed, they drew my blood, took my vitals, lost 2 more pounds. I spoke with the assistant to the Doctor, as we talked I asked if the doctor would consider giving me a week more to recover. She felt like he would agree. My blood work was all low,not low enough for another blood infusion but still lower than it should be, my body was still making blood but all numbers were low enough for me to feel this exhausted.<br />
As my oncologist discussed everything he felt it was a good idea to get me back to my old self before going on, another week to recover would be fine he said. We will do another infusion next Thursday.<br />
<i><b>HALLELUJAH!!!!</b></i><br />
I felt such relief, I went home to bed I was so happy!<br />
I had to get out of the house, so yesterday Clint took my mom and I out to Booth's corner where we walked around and bought odds and ends, then we went to lunch, then home to bed. But it was such a nice day.<br />
We enjoyed ourselves, I got out of the house, today I am even feeling just a little bit better, I am happy!<br />
Thanks again for all the notes you've been sending, I keep every single one. I love them, I am blessed in so many ways!!! thank you.susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00821417750280410272noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4780669289508003392.post-54893023139867440342012-02-29T11:41:00.001-05:002012-02-29T12:47:45.138-05:00How did this happen?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwsb1rGtaO5IZFhHZX2o-Qf0aa18I6cCxYL1b6j1q6QWSPNs_u3kANKAnSAkKOFfJKvi_KvMAOvW4PaPKeJ794A8HEOMRGREU_tG4hyphenhyphenfzCJ7r7etPh4hSDznhF0BT3CKfCQNR82z2E-Lz5/s1600/IMG_1286.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwsb1rGtaO5IZFhHZX2o-Qf0aa18I6cCxYL1b6j1q6QWSPNs_u3kANKAnSAkKOFfJKvi_KvMAOvW4PaPKeJ794A8HEOMRGREU_tG4hyphenhyphenfzCJ7r7etPh4hSDznhF0BT3CKfCQNR82z2E-Lz5/s320/IMG_1286.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<br />
You very rarely hear me say that sentence or anything similar~is there something I did? is this bad karma? how did this happen to me? I was going on my merry way, cooking, teaching, traveling, enjoying my family and great food, having fun, being a good person and then this comes along and rips my world upside down. How did this happen to me? I want my life back.<br />
<br />
Laying in bed 20 hours a day allows all these thoughts to come to the surface.<br />
<br />
Try as I might I do have these moments where I think~what happened to my life?<br />
<br />
As I speak to more and more people I realize that everyone is going through something. It may not be Cancer but no matter where you are in your daily life you are dealing with questions about family, finances, friends, health, love, about living, about what it really means to get up every morning and have a purpose.<br />
<br />
I try as much as I can to let every day be a blessing. I try to turn my sights to how really blessed I am with family and friends and support through this all. Even the small fact that I love my bedroom where I now spend most of my time.<br />
<br />
This weekend I learned an important thing.<br />
Clint and I were watching the Nascar Daytona 500 on TV. Danica Patrick is driving for Nascar, one of the three women who ever drove in that sport. She was in a horrific crash in one of the races. Her car was hit and it went flying, turning this way and that, she had no control as she hit the wall and spun around.<br />
As the inside camera showed her movements, she lifted her both hands off the wheel and put them to her face.<br />
Instead of trying to control a car where the steering wheel was ripping from side to side, she took her hands away from the steering wheel and let the car go where it might. I thought to myself that would be a good lesson in life, when you really can't control what is happening to you, it is best to let go and let life take over. Stop the drama and the fight against what you can't control and let it be.<br />
<br />
This has been a tough two weeks for me, I never really felt good at all. Today is Wednesday and I go in tomorrow for another infusion. I am tired, weak, nauseous, I really haven't stepped out of the house in almost 2 weeks, I am not sure if I can do another 2 weeks without feeling good at all. I will go down and maybe he can give me a week off just so I can feel like myself again before I go in for another round of chemo.<br />
Thank you for all your cards and notes, we really appreciate it. Thank you for everything actually, for just being there for me, makes all the difference in the world.susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00821417750280410272noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4780669289508003392.post-92211183388033455222012-02-22T09:52:00.000-05:002012-02-22T09:52:33.854-05:00Keep them coming<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRxI-gJdHG44MVCoBgxutd2W-oqTxXxCBuA5K2LvNhdwJGVSu5d6QeVxj7nmIraCghe1rzPQue_I9i8lYMWUpUpMy2enUHu1X6N-xte2dxpFWGzT0eHAxtoJgNjvzKRDvM_Tv1LTZW3Dw6/s1600/IMG_7149.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRxI-gJdHG44MVCoBgxutd2W-oqTxXxCBuA5K2LvNhdwJGVSu5d6QeVxj7nmIraCghe1rzPQue_I9i8lYMWUpUpMy2enUHu1X6N-xte2dxpFWGzT0eHAxtoJgNjvzKRDvM_Tv1LTZW3Dw6/s320/IMG_7149.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
Enduring this chemo is not fun, I will be the first to say so, I wake up more tired, if that is all possible, then when I went to sleep. It is an exhausting tired, a fretful tired, a despicable tired. Takes your breath away, and on days I feel like I am sleeping my life away in my bedroom. It is nice out side an all I can do is just sleep, very discouraging.<br />
<br />
I wake up and try to be grateful for all that I have. I do have so much in my life.<br />
<br />
One of the things that keeps me going are your notes, letters, emails, calls. I look forward to it each and every day. I love to read the notes that let me know how we met, how you've come to classes, what you make from my cookbook. It is just wonderful for me. My new favorite person is the mail man.<br />
I love the reassurance, the inspiration, the love you send to me. It helps, each and every note helps me to get better.<br />
You are giving me my own words back, tell me I can do this, that I am strong. It is just what I need to feel~ like I can do this. <br />
I have always been a positive person but these past months have tested my strength. I lost myself in the sadness of it all, I thought I would never be myself again. With all your help I am on my way to being better, with all your love and words of encouragement, with all your prayers and thoughts, cards and notes. Telling me how much I mean to you, telling me how much cooking made a difference, these are true gifts to me and I love each and every one. Thank you.<br />
Thank you for being there for me, for letting me know I did make a difference.<br />
This is my 3rd infusion and it is tiring, how else to put it?<br />
I am in bed most days, from the morning until night time, getting up just to maybe eat a little something or just go to the bathroom. It has almost been a week since the infusion and I feel no different.<br />
So each day I know my body is just trying to recover from these drugs, I know I will get better, one day at a time.<br />
Please keep writing!susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00821417750280410272noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4780669289508003392.post-26511874734389494702012-02-15T17:41:00.000-05:002012-02-15T17:41:09.827-05:00A visit from Jonny<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMB6wlE-wIzpqjBHOzH3OpXbAUdY0ku7VhSWeTPEst-qzrXEHuoWItgHrYE6sGB5ttAp8q8WiHsuArBg7xX9Tp1BcrkbEPSvsTylbhkciK6_zExzAiL_wBSqTj0KEEqlWOnJys0j-7OEX0/s1600/IMG_4312.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMB6wlE-wIzpqjBHOzH3OpXbAUdY0ku7VhSWeTPEst-qzrXEHuoWItgHrYE6sGB5ttAp8q8WiHsuArBg7xX9Tp1BcrkbEPSvsTylbhkciK6_zExzAiL_wBSqTj0KEEqlWOnJys0j-7OEX0/s320/IMG_4312.JPG" width="240" /></a></div><br />
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Around this time last year a very close friend of my daughter's, a NHL linesman came to visit.<br />
<br />
I've know Jonny as long as Tina and every time he comes to Philly to o a game he comes to visit us.<br />
<br />
He is newly married and brought his French beautiful wife. It was such a nice visit and we went to the game the next afternoon. Jonny always says a prayer when they drop the first puck and I got to see it first hand! God has to be listening to that!!!<br />
<br />
I go in for Chemo tomorrow, one day earlier. I am just starting to feel better~go figure!<br />
I am sure I will be sleep induced for a while!<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhum9OegD4C9F6kZ9Y3oUJG_VOzTG2c5Hzeg4xvilD5YAGGE1rG2pwC_IGsl4z4C8pyqmNoI-fj3dI6l4kzBlyk2fb4zxP0nAR96gufrHtrwy3CxEli5K9d-ais9m0623xevb5d-k7rriQ/s1600/IMG_4321.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhum9OegD4C9F6kZ9Y3oUJG_VOzTG2c5Hzeg4xvilD5YAGGE1rG2pwC_IGsl4z4C8pyqmNoI-fj3dI6l4kzBlyk2fb4zxP0nAR96gufrHtrwy3CxEli5K9d-ais9m0623xevb5d-k7rriQ/s320/IMG_4321.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00821417750280410272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4780669289508003392.post-43182822910568768002012-02-13T10:08:00.000-05:002012-02-13T10:08:32.508-05:00Come one , come all to the Circus!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDt-P-rO5bHhHApG_uSmbf6PbHdHizthe6q_O1HE_K4H5_8Bdrrm5ZKHE6goPf3hfz7gbr3y1vMzuVs3OAg_F5V0DKHjjxJzuWZaHERe7pC0FVjmNyGKI_hNMHyhTGZRfYkZhw4si4PknV/s1600/IMG_9095.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDt-P-rO5bHhHApG_uSmbf6PbHdHizthe6q_O1HE_K4H5_8Bdrrm5ZKHE6goPf3hfz7gbr3y1vMzuVs3OAg_F5V0DKHjjxJzuWZaHERe7pC0FVjmNyGKI_hNMHyhTGZRfYkZhw4si4PknV/s320/IMG_9095.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
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As I was sleeping and dreaming in my chemo induced state last week, my daughter was planning her son Brandon's 6th birthday.<br />
Tina has one a theme for each of her kids birthdays since they have been born, these kids know how to pick a theme and Brandon wanted a Circus theme. There was a clown doing face painting and balloon animals, there was a hot dog machine with all the fixings, there was a candy table made in heaven, the kids went crazy, there was a party photo box where you pick your own costume and take a picture.<br />
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Tina even hand cut from tissue paper the rings of tissue that went around the elephant's neck, she thought of everything.<br />
I was able to stop by for a short visit and here are some of the fantastic pictures!<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipy8EQHThexKgyAXY0anhLf21IebvDfOBG3S1c4T2Opo-zGK2kxHhssSt9kvjYWiGGv-FtOVpoeKQCWE_AnMBQAKoGZqbtkJRrRS52DaAZYu8ysq9cg8oxSCJYpF_nbi9Td_IMaaru9zq2/s1600/IMG_9133.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipy8EQHThexKgyAXY0anhLf21IebvDfOBG3S1c4T2Opo-zGK2kxHhssSt9kvjYWiGGv-FtOVpoeKQCWE_AnMBQAKoGZqbtkJRrRS52DaAZYu8ysq9cg8oxSCJYpF_nbi9Td_IMaaru9zq2/s320/IMG_9133.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>Cookies, cupcakes, peanuts, candy, hot dogs you name it and Tina had it!susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00821417750280410272noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4780669289508003392.post-87270940751034640502012-02-11T16:44:00.000-05:002012-02-11T16:44:04.924-05:00Longer than expected<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikMb1d93RKTthmjSLjwV-IVP9ls6efCDA18AKYmeHVV16i3hyphenhyphenW6_S_Rv_JZ21ePmWMjcmI5I9c0aAerWF6euRMK8L-zZDVcIt3rkyjy-c3GwyyrH7zb9n1p3BAi8VGU0CtCQB9sMH0j7Tj/s1600/IMG_8978.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikMb1d93RKTthmjSLjwV-IVP9ls6efCDA18AKYmeHVV16i3hyphenhyphenW6_S_Rv_JZ21ePmWMjcmI5I9c0aAerWF6euRMK8L-zZDVcIt3rkyjy-c3GwyyrH7zb9n1p3BAi8VGU0CtCQB9sMH0j7Tj/s320/IMG_8978.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
It has been a little more than a week since I've been infused by chemo.<br />
<br />
We went down last Friday and I was in a much better place than I was before. This time I feel like I can do this. I was not feeling sick. We went down early to get a blood test. They always do this right before chemo to make sure the counts are OK. As I was sitting and getting all my drugs the nurse showed up and told me that I had a very low blood count, that I was" 2 pints low" as Clint put it, like changing the oil in a car!<br />
<br />
After the infusion they wanted to give me a blood transfusion. This is something I never had before and I did read enough of the Vampire movies to give me a little pause before I said OK. It is a little freaky to see someone else blood go right into your veins. All this new and exciting stuff happening... stroke, blood transfusion? what he heck is happening??<br />
<br />
As I asked the nurse what would happen~ she put it this way " A little pep in your step" I was expecting to dance out of there but that really didn't happen. I went home with my bag of 5FU, right to bed. I was unhooked on Sunday but received a liter of water and then again on Monday another liter of water. They are pumping me full of all the things that the chemo drains of you. Today is Saturday and I have to say that I have been in bed since last Friday, today the following Saturday, being the only day I started to feel better.<br />
Fatigue, how to explain? I can sleep almost 24 hours and then wake up still completely exhausted. no other way to say it. When the doctor tried to explain the symptoms from all these drugs, he had all the other symptoms on one page and FATIGUE on a page by itself. It deserves a page all to itself!<br />
<br />
So here I am starting to feel just a little bit better, not queasy, eating small amounts, just so damn tired!<br />
I figure it is my body fighting all the bad stuff and leaving me weak, and so I sleep.<br />
This week, not so bad.<br />
Thank you for all the cards, food, notes, and prayers. I feel loved each and every day and I thank you.susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00821417750280410272noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4780669289508003392.post-87484218670956080702012-02-01T17:10:00.001-05:002012-02-01T19:18:29.596-05:00Resiliency<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiir7JsXXUzh7ElBNnZcYD8KbKQNrvLz86sv2_2kU_iyaCjikYGrOnSGCKab_o9ib0Gw7srnjzSahErrGzQErghsPRh0cOaTo6UTUEEK4U1RMf4fBCrd3-dxVV99uJfBqH_mUIucgfz3RVv/s1600/IMG_2812.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiir7JsXXUzh7ElBNnZcYD8KbKQNrvLz86sv2_2kU_iyaCjikYGrOnSGCKab_o9ib0Gw7srnjzSahErrGzQErghsPRh0cOaTo6UTUEEK4U1RMf4fBCrd3-dxVV99uJfBqH_mUIucgfz3RVv/s320/IMG_2812.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
A very close friend from my fathers childhood wrote to me to tell me I will be OK, that I have a gift from my father and that is resiliency.<br />
Resiliency is what got me through this week.<br />
How do you pass a week from a stroke? Today almost to the minute I was having a stroke in my own bedroom, there was no warning, all of a sudden I could not do what I had taken for granted for so long. Answer a question, find a word, even speak, it was a terrifying experience.<br />
I came home after spending a day and night in the hospital, I went through a battery of tests, constant asking my name, simple things I could not remember. Yes, they were in my head, I just couldn't get them out.<br />
I came home scared, that it could happen again and both Clint and I asking "how in the world did this happen" We still sit and talk about it. Beyond that, I am starting to fell better. My nausea is gone, the bad taste in my mouth is gone, I have my appetite back and most important of all is that Clint says I have my "Smiley" face on. I look at him and he is smiling back at me, a wonderful sight!<br />
I wake up in the morning and hear the birds and I think, how lucky I am to have another day to feel better, to take care of myself, I am lucky indeed.<br />
<br />
I started to take better care of me, I had let so much go, I just didn't feel good, but I did get a pedicure and get rid of all that Fu-Man-Chou hair on my chin, you know, the hair that grows one inch in a day!<br />
My eyebrows looked like Andy Rooney's too, had them trimmed up too. <br />
<br />
With this chemo, I should lose all my hair very shortly, or so the doctor is telling me to be prepared. My mom offered to get a wig, something I was especially against the first time I did this, but I gave in.<br />
The people in Media were so friendly and helpful and it doesn't look bad at all. I am excited! (well almost)<br />
I am still very tired and I definitely know something happened in my body, I can feel it. I am very lucky indeed. I still have trouble with words and phrases, just have to think a little more before I speak, which is not a bad thing after all.<br />
<br />
I am so grateful for all your prayers and support, you remind me that yes, I can do this, yes every morning is a present.<br />
Thank you for all your love and support of me.susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00821417750280410272noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4780669289508003392.post-82811058994808463392012-01-27T14:43:00.002-05:002012-01-27T15:14:42.509-05:00Where do I begin?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiu6ctN9X26AG4xn0Y4MKqOAsYiAXDGqCj4v2Ve7zkxbsAqSHW9CBczIo96G5w2rB2J8CDZJb73P94VKGS93d4OLrK9do1bKnPDQQecm-eNXPrA9Dw3EQbr8zDm-MPP5V4p-wt56L8vg9n-/s1600/IMG_6387.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiu6ctN9X26AG4xn0Y4MKqOAsYiAXDGqCj4v2Ve7zkxbsAqSHW9CBczIo96G5w2rB2J8CDZJb73P94VKGS93d4OLrK9do1bKnPDQQecm-eNXPrA9Dw3EQbr8zDm-MPP5V4p-wt56L8vg9n-/s320/IMG_6387.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
I think it has been a while since I wrote, seems like centuries to me.<br />
I went down for my first chemo infusion last Friday. It was January 20th.<br />
I didn't want to go, I felt too week, not strong enough and all of a sudden I was scared. I really didn't have a choice, so we headed down to 13th and Wolf, to Methodist, there was no room for me at Jeff. This was s smaller infusion center, only 10 chairs, not so busy.<br />
I was trying not to cry all the way down and as they infusioned me. They keep asking if I was scared and yes I was. This is a new infusion of drugs, a little different from last time with all sorts of nice side effect. I came home with my pump for two more days and they came to unhook me on Sunday. At that point I was already in bed since Friday, sick as a dog, couldn't keep anything down, just laying in bed feeling sick every second.<br />
By Wednesday, I woke up feeling a little bit hungry, first sign in 5 days, I ate a little but still stayed in bed for the day.<br />
It was about 4 o'clock or so, Clint and I were both in my bedroom, Tina was bringing the boys for a 10 minute visit, as they came into the room, Clint saw my face change completely.<br />
He came to me directly and asked my name, I could not tell him, he kept asking who he was, I could not tell him. Little did I know it but I was having a stroke. He was getting dressed as I lay down in bed, he wanted me to go to the hospital but all I wanted was to be in bed, but I could not talk.<br />
He got me to emergency at Riddle, they took me immediately, I could not have been more thankful for the care I received. My name, the season, my birthday, what year was it (I said 1969!) the doctor just said squeeze my hand like it was 1969. I had a battery of test, all night long.<br />
The next day the neurologist came and spoke with us in the hospital. I did have a stroke, I was there in plenty of time and I have almost every thought back, some words are hard to remember. For some reason they showed me a sign of a cactus, for the life of me I kept saying, you find them in Arizona, but couldn't name them, I think I need to have a cactus in my Voodoo room now!<br />
<br />
They kept me until around 3 pm that day and sent me home.<br />
<br />
I had my appointment with the oncologist today.<br />
He can't explain it to me, they say some people who have cancer, are more prone to strokes but he said it was not the kind I had. <br />
Who knows? but I can tell you it was the scariest thing I could have gone through. Today I feel tired but a little better. The doctor told me today (kidding, I hope or maybe not) that I was a challenging patient.<br />
I get my second infusion a week from today. I'll take my aspirin every day and at night I ask myself who I am, just in case.<br />
<br />
This road has taken so many turns, and the missing of my Dad.<br />
I get so many emails and cards and support and food, I thank each and every one of you. Clint and I have so much to be thankful for, all the love and prayers. We thank you, for your kindness, your sweetness, your prayers and show of support for me as we go through this once again.<br />
<br />
Once moment in time. Right now.<br />
<br />
(By the way, this took way too long to write, I apologize for any mistake!)susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00821417750280410272noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4780669289508003392.post-33703587706907104492012-01-19T12:28:00.001-05:002012-01-19T12:28:47.309-05:00A roller coaster ride<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBQ0k0Cu0C6aUa7gV-TibiyIDm9VzsPLj0zb9GpWCBvI8H38o9cD2bJWxQufAqOfPTzJ1aZarWGhUo5YWaifuWvDJER6ZKRcbVrwdUdsmFjqo1_ggclOJYsVIIQP_w0vnm0pHCcxlb0CrC/s1600/IMG_3890.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBQ0k0Cu0C6aUa7gV-TibiyIDm9VzsPLj0zb9GpWCBvI8H38o9cD2bJWxQufAqOfPTzJ1aZarWGhUo5YWaifuWvDJER6ZKRcbVrwdUdsmFjqo1_ggclOJYsVIIQP_w0vnm0pHCcxlb0CrC/s320/IMG_3890.JPG" width="240" /></a></div> A tiny street in Rome, the thought of Italy keeps me going!<br />
<br />
<br />
I have to say that these past few weeks have been filled with anxiety, tears, fears, uncertainty, reluctance, despair, hope, almost every feeling imaginable.<br />
<br />
A few weeks ago, I went to my oncologist complaining of persistent symptoms, nausea, bad taste in my mouth, the inability to keep food down, uncontrollable tears, great fatigue.<br />
His answer to me, other than suggesting I take Lexapro for my depression was to have me go back on chemo. This news I met with the urge to throw up. I was in a weakened state and could not even imagine going through this again. I am thinner than I have ever been ~hellva diet!<br />
<br />
He ordered an MRI, which I had on Saturday morning.<br />
He called me on Monday night and told me the news was not good.<br />
He wants me on chemo right away, no asking, this time he was telling me. The remaining part of the tumor that the operation did not get more than doubled in size and took with it, as clusters, all the then "little spots surrounding it".<br />
They are little no longer. In the course of 5 short weeks this tumor is bigger and faster growing than any I've had. It is on the war path.<br />
Although the news still made me sick to my stomach and brought fast and furious tears to my eyes, I realized my choices were limited. Do I want to live? Damn YES!!!!!!!<br />
So I begin another regiment of chemo, starting tomorrow morning down at JEFF.<br />
<br />
This second line of defense, as they call it will switch out some drugs for others. Not too sure of all the side effects, I have to tell you, I am almost afraid to look at the info sheets.<br />
I will take one day at a time, get through that and then go on.<br />
I had my screams and crying, now I will go on.<br />
I have the blessings of so much love from family and friends and I know I will not go this alone.<br />
He promises me that I will be better by early summer, this behind me. I respond well to chemo, he says and they will do more scans in a few months time. He is confident and that helps me.<br />
<br />
Clint and I have been downtown almost every day this week, we have seen so many doctors, been given choices down the road, but for now they want to stop it in it's tracks, I can understand that.<br />
<br />
I am grateful for all your thoughts and prayer, I cannot do this alone, so thank you from the bottom of my heart.<br />
I am strong, I can do this, one moment at a time.susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00821417750280410272noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4780669289508003392.post-61391001615057359172012-01-07T10:55:00.000-05:002012-01-07T10:55:32.417-05:00Wooden Nickles<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmJ5I9RHdoeNN6plUtHtT7A_yYJhvhY_pLwKis_XTX9fjRUFP4pvpXlD24Zfvj25WFwK_wWB_g2PBo3eokjsaqVc6z5fTdgs0X0-QM6PgKI7lhyphenhyphenB3Jm4KDBeIEK9HypQLD5fn2cTRt9qL0/s1600/FH010033.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmJ5I9RHdoeNN6plUtHtT7A_yYJhvhY_pLwKis_XTX9fjRUFP4pvpXlD24Zfvj25WFwK_wWB_g2PBo3eokjsaqVc6z5fTdgs0X0-QM6PgKI7lhyphenhyphenB3Jm4KDBeIEK9HypQLD5fn2cTRt9qL0/s320/FH010033.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
There is a saying that I have heard through the course of my life.<br />
<br />
Whenever I asked Clint to do something that was quite literally impossible, he would say to me~<br />
"What do you want me to do, stand on my head and spit wooden nickles?"<br />
<br />
When I asked him what this meant, he told me he really didn't know but to me it was doing something that was quite impossible to do.<br />
<br />
So this thought comes to mind as I go through this really difficult time in my life.<br />
<br />
What am I expecting? how can I get through this? can I do it by myself? with no help?<br />
I realized this week that it was like spitting wooden nickles, it is impossible to get through this myself. I need a little help.<br />
<br />
After much thought and anguish and many many tears I decided to take the Lexapro. To help me through this, to get me back to me. I will continue my routine of writing, walking, stretching and eating healthy too.<br />
I also decided against another 7 months of Chemo. I am in too weak a state right now, it could only do harm in my eyes, not help me. The mere thought of chemo makes me ill.<br />
<br />
As I spoke to my oncologist yesterday, he agreed with what I wanted to do but also ordered another MRI for this week and an appointment with yet another Doctor, a radiation oncologist, my team of doctors grow by the minute. I will follow his suggestions and keep up with my Cancer, do what I have to do to manage it but also keeping my well being in mind too.<br />
<br />
I feel at peace with my decision and this morning is the first morning I woke up almost feeling like myself again.<br />
I am determined to make 2012 a good year no matter what. I intend to live my life moment by moment and try not to look too far ahead, enjoy all that I have and keep my family close.<br />
I've had so much support from friends and clients through email, phone calls and cards and notes, each and everyone on has helped me with my decisions, your stories and support help me everyday and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.<br />
<br />
There is no better feeling in the world than to know you are not alone, that people are there for you and have gone before you and can understand what I am going through because they have been there themselves. It is the tide that carries me though everyday.<br />
I thank God for the Guardian Angels in my life. I know my Dad is one of them too. He is there for me, helping me through this, guiding me along. His wisdom comes to me daily.<br />
<br />
So I am on the road to recovery, no doubt it will be a long and winding road but I have help and guidance and love and support. I am lucky, I am blessed and I am grateful.<br />
<br />
Thank you!susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00821417750280410272noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4780669289508003392.post-87978899840401544112012-01-01T10:50:00.002-05:002012-01-01T16:46:55.073-05:00Hope in 2012<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieNmWcIfamkMkWOAsI67fkQZB3R0ddPoRUzjCDO1yXZWyS8rGTVIV271bUMSZVfZCsBe0g8RPHheiT5tRM6VKn11NS0rNAHMKaevvPz0VojJ10ZrJUI_7M3ymRUSorvbovgyVRkQ7YlOiU/s1600/IMG_5517.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieNmWcIfamkMkWOAsI67fkQZB3R0ddPoRUzjCDO1yXZWyS8rGTVIV271bUMSZVfZCsBe0g8RPHheiT5tRM6VKn11NS0rNAHMKaevvPz0VojJ10ZrJUI_7M3ymRUSorvbovgyVRkQ7YlOiU/s320/IMG_5517.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<br />
I've been spiraling downward. These past weeks have been very tough. No matter that each morning I say to myself~"today will be a good day" my days were filled with sleep, tears and hopelessness. This is not me, I couldn't get out of bed, I had no desire to do anything. I trudged through whatever chores I had and got to the point where I just could not do anything at all. My symptoms were real. I have a queasy tummy and feel I can get sick at any minute. I have a bad taste in my mouth, I had to force myself to drink even water. I've lost over 10 pounds these past weeks. My exhaustion was overwhelming. I was so so tired. Even after more then 12 to 14 hours sleep I could crawl back into bed.<br />
<br />
This week everything came to a point where all I was doing was crying in bed, both Clint and I were scared. I called the doctors, was this the Cancer? what was happening to me?<br />
My surgeon and all his staff was on vacation, his nurse called me back and talked to me for a few minutes, her suggestion was that I was depressed and I should get my regular Doctor to give me a prescription for Lexapro, an anti depressant.<br />
<br />
My oncologist called back and asked to see me the next day.<br />
<br />
I dragged myself out of bed and went to see him. He, too felt depression had a big part in what I was feeling, he gave me the script for Lexapro along with other medications to help with the symptoms. He also said something that not only scared the hell out of me but made me want to get sick right there and then.<br />
"I want to put you on another 7 months of chemo". He feels that some of the symptoms are related to the Cancer and that I would feel better on chemo.<br />
<br />
I couldn't believe my ears, feel better on Chemo??!! I am feeling weak and down and I cannot imagine going on a 7 month duration of something that makes me weaker and more fragile. He told me it was up to me and made a follow up appointment for this Friday.<br />
<br />
I am overwhelmed, overwhelmed with sadness and grief and hopelessness and tears. This is not me. what happened? how did I get to this point? what can I do to change this around?<br />
I took the lexapro for 3 days an then decided I can't do this, this is not who I am. I need to make changes in my life to turn this around. I need to make a list of the things I know will make me feel better and try to do as much as I can each and every day.<br />
<br />
I sat at my desk and wrote that list.<br />
<i>Write, Meditate, Stretch, Walk, Eat Fruit, Heal, be Kind to me, give myself the time to grieve, the time to heal.</i><br />
Each day I open my eyes and though I just want to stay in bed, I get up, I write, something I have been neglecting lately, I meditate, I do a few yoga poses -the ones I know, I bundle up and walk with my face towards the sun. I nibble on fruit, I drink water, I get a massage. I lay down when I can't stand up anymore. I am trying with all my heart to change this around, without drugs, without pills, without chemo, but with hope.<br />
<br />
This is not easy, but I take one moment at a time, hoping that each day I will feel a little better.<br />
I have such love and support surrounding me and I am grateful for it all. There are angels in my life who are there to help me and I thank you, I can't do this alone.<br />
So I have hope for this year~2012, hope that I will pull myself up, that I will get through this tough time, that I can come back to myself and smile and laugh again, and get out of bed!<br />
<br />
I wish you love and peace and health this new year, I wish you moments filled with family and those that are dear to you. I wish you moments of time, each special, each magical.susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00821417750280410272noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4780669289508003392.post-81215933325758928602011-12-20T19:03:00.000-05:002011-12-20T19:03:57.421-05:00A Christmas wish for you<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3zeIJ88iurLGFMbCIsCcdMI51rnZ7CSGqeEkEv9uL2omZSDPG2KkXUdxIQQveFJPTYUNRyO5c-vKbG2xfSQWhC2E7QfZx1S_QKW-blsfaUcKdLg3iIrN5Xw-IWdsiJeUjMxD3i3Ff1yc_/s1600/IMG_1162.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3zeIJ88iurLGFMbCIsCcdMI51rnZ7CSGqeEkEv9uL2omZSDPG2KkXUdxIQQveFJPTYUNRyO5c-vKbG2xfSQWhC2E7QfZx1S_QKW-blsfaUcKdLg3iIrN5Xw-IWdsiJeUjMxD3i3Ff1yc_/s320/IMG_1162.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<br />
As I read through my past blogs, I see a theme, a thread of survival. These thoughts are one of optimism, gratitude, of going on despite what is swirling around me.<br />
<br />
I take heart knowing that in the midst of Cancer, chemo, radiation and operation, I still manage to get myself back to a place where I can look around and be grateful for all that is in my life.<br />
I can look on the positive, I can see the sun despite the clouds, I can see a rainbow when there is pouring rain.<br />
<br />
These past few weeks I thought it would just take me longer than before, after all~ it is piling up, although I don't like to lump problems or issues into one big pile. I like to think that each is separate, each different, that the world is not crashing down around me.<br />
<br />
The loss of my father hit me hard, immediately and profoundly.<br />
<br />
I know he was 85, I know he was slowing down considerably, I know when I brought him to his doctor visits, he had some minor issues that we could not get a hold of, I know he was tired, I could see it in his face.<br />
I know he lived a good, happy full life, I know he died peacefully.<br />
<br />
These things I know but they do not erase the longing or the missing him. Nothing prepares you for losing a parent. Someone said it so right, you just want them here~all the time no matter what.<br />
Grief is personnel, I am finding out, some scream and cry, some mourn silently, others stay busy keep the demons at bay.<br />
I am choosing to remember, to go through pictures, to talk to family in Italy who respected him so much. I talk to my Dad daily, I blow kisses to his pictures hanging around my home, pictures of him as a 18 year old young man, not yet in this country, standing besides a borrowed bicycle, of him on his wedding day, so handsome, eyes alight with joy, of him with his brothers, all four, he was the oldest and last to pass. I find comfort in this, in keeping him alive in my heart and in my memories.<br />
<br />
Some say I will dream of him and I think I did last night but this morning there was just a presence, not anything that I remembered. It is OK. I know he is here with me, for me, guiding me along the way.<br />
<br />
So we go through this Christmas with heavy hearts, knowing full well that here on Christmas Eve there will be an empty spot at the table and an empty spot in our hearts.<br />
<br />
I do have grand kids, so Christmas will go on and that is a good thing. They somehow make you forget everything and concentrate on the moment.<br />
<br />
So in this moment my Christmas wish to you is a Blessed, Happy, Healthy, Loving Christmas, filled with family and those who are dear to you. Give thanks for what you have, it is more than enough.<br />
<br />
Take a look around you, forget the presents, and the pile of gifts. It is the people in your life that makes everything worthwhile. Each and every moment is special with those you love. Whether they are here or not.susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00821417750280410272noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4780669289508003392.post-17710685869666671362011-12-14T06:42:00.000-05:002011-12-14T06:42:05.960-05:00In the Midst of Heart Ache<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkhh9wdZ3UcYj2sUDQKozFIJ9DeOPvWXCqqmuqdqdxZlliWcJ2hg4XRRkJUp3MtWAje4UqFLs8p2JCa46Xe2WUaQqRpreG8W-CYnBobJOQgdsnmYTOhqACtdo9E2e8an7jWkZNRfm3BF5W/s1600/IMG_6135.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkhh9wdZ3UcYj2sUDQKozFIJ9DeOPvWXCqqmuqdqdxZlliWcJ2hg4XRRkJUp3MtWAje4UqFLs8p2JCa46Xe2WUaQqRpreG8W-CYnBobJOQgdsnmYTOhqACtdo9E2e8an7jWkZNRfm3BF5W/s320/IMG_6135.JPG" width="240" /></a></div><br />
This is so much harder than I thought possible.<br />
<br />
These past few days have been filled with a listlessness, a sad countenance, a sad heart.<br />
<br />
I see my Dad in every corner of the house.<br />
I sit in my office and look at his pictures, the cross that was on his casket, the wallet that he carried everywhere, the belt he always wore. My office is filled with bits and pieces of him, tucked on every shelf, propped against the wall, filling my home with his memories.<br />
<br />
Through the busy~ness of this season, I cry unexpectedly, I feel lethargic, I have no appetite.<br />
I didn't expect this, couldn't predict this grief, this missing him, his presence and wit, his smiling face and wisdom. Nothing prepares you for this void.<br />
<br />
I try to think he is here with me, his memories will keep me warm and safe but at the dinner table the other night, as we celebrated my son Dominick birthday, there was a void, an emptiness. It was all I could do to bear it, I was near tears the whole time, watching my mom get her plate and sit next to an empty chair, she always prepared a plate for my dad first. We all tried to get through that dinner without breaking down, and to tell you the truth I couldn't wait for everyone to leave, so I could cry in the solitude of my room.<br />
<br />
After all the preparations for the funeral are over, as we continue our life, that is when it hits, he is not coming back, he is not here any more, I can't ask him a question about Italy, ask his advice on business, joke with him, talk to him, he is not here.<br />
<br />
This is what grief is all about, the mourning, the sadness, the realization that someone is passed from your life, ready or not, they are gone.<br />
<br />
The holiday will be hard, we are all trying to keep my mom busy, through our own grief and tears.<br />
The past few days I felt I could not get out of bed, I didn't want to, I found a great fatigue washing over me, making me listless and lethargic, no ambition, no energy, no emotions other than sorrow.<br />
<br />
I woke up today, this early morning and tried to get my head on straight, to tell myself that I can do this, I can move forward, through the pain, through the missing him, through the sorrow.<br />
I tried to tell myself he is here, with me always, the memories, are here, he is watching over me.<br />
This is what will get me through.<br />
<br />
One day at a time, one moment at a time. I am blessed to have him as a father, I am blessed by so much in my life.<br />
<br />
I can do this, a little at a time.susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00821417750280410272noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4780669289508003392.post-44826130217737832582011-12-09T08:25:00.000-05:002011-12-09T08:25:53.675-05:00Optimisim<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWYnQmWUzflcKat4WZiuyxzefgp04-iyYyFAvUAW1DcqTp3pNJzU0kqQpfShYk4TT3sI5zDWWnIXw4IkYzELfTLA5wo1ThnIGunt19uL7BLVQ77TdZqPWapMod0u-2Iy8AMucpKWi2JuZe/s1600/IMG_6394.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWYnQmWUzflcKat4WZiuyxzefgp04-iyYyFAvUAW1DcqTp3pNJzU0kqQpfShYk4TT3sI5zDWWnIXw4IkYzELfTLA5wo1ThnIGunt19uL7BLVQ77TdZqPWapMod0u-2Iy8AMucpKWi2JuZe/s320/IMG_6394.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><br />
Amidst the busy~ness of these past few weeks, preparing for my Dad's funeral, meeting the obligations of holiday parties, teaching cooking classes and trying to keep my head on straight, I have been dutiful in scheduling my PT/CT scan and MRI, making and keeping doctors appointments.<br />
<br />
My liver surgery was November 3rd, it took almost a month for me to get my energy back and start to feel like myself again. All the while knowing I would have to take these tests and find out what just exactly was left inside my body, what is growing and what is shrinking.<br />
<br />
This is a stressful time as you can imagine but dealing with so much else put it in the background of my mind. I thought to myself <i>"It is what it is"</i> no use worrying, no use fretting, I will handle what comes my way, with strength and grace and the guidance of Pop up in heaven.<br />
I have a feeling now of being watched over, knowing that it will be all right~no matter what it is.<br />
<br />
We traveled down to Jeff to see the oncologist first, my favorite of all my doctors. His calm and reassuring demeanor is comforting to me. He doesn't stir up fear and anxiety, I feel trust and a knowledge that we can take care of anything that comes my way. He knows me, what I do for my living, how important family and cooking and work is to me, he takes these into consideration when making decisions on my health.<br />
<br />
It seems and this was confirmed by the surgeon as well that, I <i>"Burn Well" </i>which means that where they went in to microwave the tumor the spot is clear and clean. There remains a ring of suspicious "Lighting up" around that lesion still, along with that are other spots, some new, some there from the last scan.<br />
There is a "new"spot on the other side of my liver now that has to be addressed. <br />
I swear I must have mushroom soil in my liver, these damn things are prolific! (maybe weed killer would work!)<br />
<br />
I took this all as good news, really.<br />
<br />
The Cancer did not spread to another organ, it is staying in the liver. I can deal with that. The liver regenerates. OK, if I have to have this, just stay in the liver, we will take this on~ one spot at a time.<br />
They are suggesting implanting radio active seeds to shut off the blood supply to that area. Along with that maybe more "burns" to get rid of those other spots.<br />
<br />
They have a plan, the doctors are calm and confident. Two very important traits you want in a doctor. <br />
Believe it or not I am optimistic, I feel strong again and I feel I can take this on.<br />
<br />
They don't want to do anything for at least 6 to 8 weeks so I have a bit of a vacation from doctors and Cancer until after the holidays, thank goodness!<br />
<br />
So while I really wanted to hear" it's all gone"this news is OK too.<br />
<br />
One day at a time, one step at a time, one spot at a time.susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00821417750280410272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4780669289508003392.post-24625742796371951632011-12-07T06:35:00.000-05:002011-12-07T06:35:35.826-05:00Connections<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8BUJUSWCrhyl2Vsnf89fh6cSUaSbSdgMVU4NYcO-BZuI0GmpavA14ekeqEwl8EI6rEqR2iUpO4va_RvcxgzL1EI63L6BhvPONIRYaj97G-G11koR2C9U7TbKai7c7ZRCjO-v3dZSjzed1/s1600/IMG_7175.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8BUJUSWCrhyl2Vsnf89fh6cSUaSbSdgMVU4NYcO-BZuI0GmpavA14ekeqEwl8EI6rEqR2iUpO4va_RvcxgzL1EI63L6BhvPONIRYaj97G-G11koR2C9U7TbKai7c7ZRCjO-v3dZSjzed1/s320/IMG_7175.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
This word has been rolling around in my mind for a few days now.<br />
<br />
In these past two weeks, each day has been full.<br />
Full of tears and full of remembrances, full of love and full with the support of family and friends.<br />
I find myself enveloped in the embrace of love and gratitude.<br />
<br />
I wake up thinking how very lucky I am. To have grown up in the circle of my loving and caring and yes, funny family.<br />
To share so many happy times and memories. To now be surrounded by such love and support. I am lucky, I am blessed.<br />
<br />
I feel the connections with others. This is what life is all about.<br />
Not possessions, or the biggest house, best car, not things but people. That is what makes my life so magical. The connections I have with others.<br />
<br />
The hugs I get. Oh, the hugs! When someone hugs me it is like being embraced with an Aura of love. It breaths strength into my body, it allows me to know I am not alone. <br />
So many hugs these past days, big hugs, strong hugs, loving hugs. I am so grateful for the embrace of so many people.<br />
<br />
This is what life is about, the people in your life, the connections, the threads that bind us together. The relationships, both life long and passing.<br />
<br />
My life is filed with the richness of friendship and family. As I look around and go through my day, I feel blessed in so many ways. My Dad had a saying "Bread on the Water". What you give comes back to you.<br />
I am living that saying now. The connections I made with everyone during my life have come full circle. I feel the love and the warmth surrounding me at each turn. I am lifted up, I am consoled, I am supported and loved and I am thankful. I see kindness and sweetness in the faces of my clients, my friends, this wonderful outpouring of support.<br />
<br />
This holiday season is hectic but stop and take the time to look at the faces of people you meet. It is the people who are important, not the things. Make a connection, give someone a smile, practice random acts of kindness and you will feel blessed.<br />
Giving is not about shopping, a kind word, a good deed, a helpful hand, an embrace, a thoughtful gesture, that is what giving is all about. Your love and kindness to others will come back to you tenfold.<br />
<br />
Bread on the water.susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00821417750280410272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4780669289508003392.post-32520557147249548132011-12-02T08:16:00.004-05:002011-12-02T09:59:35.588-05:00A tribute to my Mom<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6B62W0jx2UnPxwulyfWdLeyG-35edGBVqPqYPJ-807dABPfpqT8GTSrctO2xZ-X4a3sXaD_9vuoLOBuNckHzfuIyXRb-9GP82VrbE50oV-C6BAA7-Hn6wwA8xYWrW3Br90cNNqhI8cc7w/s1600/IMG_8835.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6B62W0jx2UnPxwulyfWdLeyG-35edGBVqPqYPJ-807dABPfpqT8GTSrctO2xZ-X4a3sXaD_9vuoLOBuNckHzfuIyXRb-9GP82VrbE50oV-C6BAA7-Hn6wwA8xYWrW3Br90cNNqhI8cc7w/s320/IMG_8835.JPG" width="320" /></a></div> <b><i>November 13, 2011 my birthday dinner, my family together </i></b><br />
<br />
Yesterday was a day filled with tears and smiles as we celebrated my Dad's life.<br />
<br />
It was a day filled with both sadness and gratitude.<br />
<br />
As I stood in the church next to my Mom, friends, family and neighbors from a life lived well filed by.<br />
My Dad knew a lot of people. His barber shop has been around for 50 years. He was a star in the Tanning business with his unusual and fun ads in the local papers. Many people came to share their thoughts and express their regrets.<br />
<br />
In the past few days my daughter, Tina, went through all the family pictures putting together 10 posters of memories. It was both difficult and wonderful she said, to spend time with grand pop through the years of pictures. She did a wonderful job, capturing his exuberance and zest for life.<br />
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My son, Dominick wrote his Eulogy. Standing up in church among family and friends, telling the story of my father's life and the effect his actions and deeds had on us. It was a wonderful tribute to a life well lived.<br />
<br />
Each remembering my Dad in their own way. I realized that this is what life is all about. To be surrounded by people you love, to share the daily joys and sorrows. To celebrate all the good in life.<br />
<br />
As I stood by my mom's side, this diminutive tiny lady, who made her life with a stranger, really.<br />
She loved and supported him in every endeavor. She took loving care of him until the very end.<br />
She cooked a wonderful meal for him every single day, even when his interest in food and eating became less, there was a wonderful meal at lunch time, table set with a table cloth, basket of bread, glass of wine, a meal prepared with love.<br />
She sang to him every morning at breakfast, she made sure all his cloths matched, she loved him to the very end.<br />
<br />
As we made arrangements for his funeral, she stood strong, with tears in her eyes as she picked out his suit, chose a beautiful prayer for the Holy card. Ordered lush deep red velvet roses for the flowers surrounding him in church.<br />
Every last detail taken care of with love and strength.<br />
<br />
My father was lucky and he knew that.<br />
<br />
My Mom told me that on Thanksgiving Day night, after they left my house, as he was going up to bed for the last time, he turned to her and said "Ma, you take too good care of me" <br />
He called her Ma, her called her Mother Goose, he spoke to her with love and respect all his life.<br />
They had a wonderful, caring, special relationship.<br />
<br />
As I looked down on my tiny mom, she is only 4 foot 8, I saw a strong women, a women I love and respect, a women I learned so much from.<br />
<br />
I talked to her last night as we went over the events of the day.<br />
"Mom, you should be proud, you took such good care of Pop, up until the very end."<br />
<br />
As the service came to an end and we said our last goodbyes, my mom put her hand on my Dad and told him she loved him and that he left her too soon, with tears in our eyes we said our last goodbyes.<br />
<br />
This is a tribute to my Mother, a strong, smart, fun women, a perfect partner to my Dad.<br />
<br />
I love you Mom and I know Pop did too.susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00821417750280410272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4780669289508003392.post-36093717525607364472011-11-30T07:37:00.003-05:002011-11-30T12:19:39.406-05:00My Dad<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><i><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjL4M_G-mLN4yCLdCGN2TP9z5GlRPzt_Ry-R9oqOZ3G2cqA_p9D88oxv48kShyphenhyphenJbg3rL_54u1nXbkpoZBz0y3TfnC0gXE7O8zYH2CsfAZSNcflD7cdGpVo-CgwZD6KvzAsV2X0qRLGPIMnS/s1600/308836_2718179159096_1395517945_3097343_2086813196_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjL4M_G-mLN4yCLdCGN2TP9z5GlRPzt_Ry-R9oqOZ3G2cqA_p9D88oxv48kShyphenhyphenJbg3rL_54u1nXbkpoZBz0y3TfnC0gXE7O8zYH2CsfAZSNcflD7cdGpVo-CgwZD6KvzAsV2X0qRLGPIMnS/s320/308836_2718179159096_1395517945_3097343_2086813196_n.jpg" width="239" /></a></i></div><i>This is the last picture, the last time we saw him, on Thanksgiving, in my kitchen, going home, hands always behind his back, always.</i><br />
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<br />
<br />
<br />
Words, thoughts, experiences, rolling around in my head every waking moment.<br />
<br />
Writing for me has always been a sort of release, an outlet to the thoughts that swirl in my heart.<br />
This is hard, harder than I've ever thought possible.<br />
I want to honor my Dad, remember him, bless him, thank him. I want to write about him, tell his story.<br />
<br />
It is too fresh, too close, too near to losing him. The words are there but not in complete sentences or thoughts.<br />
<br />
" May you live every day of your life. "<br />
<br />
I just read this and immediately thought of my Dad.<br />
<br />
He lived every single day, with joy, with enthusiasm, with laughter, with purpose, with a kind, loving, giving spirit.<br />
He taught me so much about life and people and goals, about kindness and how to treat others. He was a giving person, always sharing, always present, always there. His story is one I know in my heart. It is one of courage and strength and determination.<br />
<br />
He faced all odds yet came out on top, smiling.<br />
<br />
Born in 1926, two month premature in a tiny village in Abruzzi Italy, he was born in a farmhouse with no heat or running water, in January, on a cold blustery winter day. His grandfather Sabatino raced down the mountainside to get a priest to bless this little baby not expected to make it through the night.<br />
<br />
My father was a fighter from day one.<br />
<br />
He made many connections in Italy, these connections still exists today.<br />
Relatives, friends, neighbors call to express sorrow yet share stories of how kind and strong he was.<br />
They tell me my Father was an example of a man with an adventurous spirit, someone they still look up to today.<br />
<br />
His dream was to come to the United States.<br />
I asked him once when he had that dream, he told me always.<br />
He made that dream come true.<br />
In 1953 he came to this country after working in the steel mills in France for three years to save for his passage.<br />
He came to New York, not knowing the language, he came to this country with determination, and a dream. He married my mom in an arranged marriage. They will be married 58 years on January 31st 2012.<br />
<br />
He came here with a sense of adventure, a determination, a sense of humor, a strong work ethic, a gentleness to treat everyone, no matter who they were with respect.<br />
He always always gave more than he had. To the church, to the homeless on Race street when we would go to Chinatown. He would eat Chinese food but was always looking for the bread! A true Italian!<br />
He shared his wealth of barbering by becoming a teacher and taught all of us, his four kids how to cut hair. We all worked in his barber shop, we worked as a family, came home and had dinner as a family.<br />
<br />
He did this by taking us to "old age homes" a term we used in the 70's. We went with our scissors and straight razors and gave haircuts to everyone on Sunday mornings. We made rosaries by the dozens and he sent them to poor countries. He went to church everyday of his life until the onset of Alzheimer's made him slower and more fragile.<br />
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He had a ready smile, always, no matter what.<br />
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He patted my mom on the backside up until the very end. His love for her was timeless.<br />
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I am remembering his life, in the early morning hours, at night time as I try to fall asleep with tears in my eyes. I am remembering his goodness, his wit, his sayings, his stories.<br />
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I will keep him with me always.<br />
<br />
I can describe my Dad in so many ways. He was a special man. A true and good soul, a gentleman, a scholar, an inventor, he invented the flat top comb in the 50's and became Flattop champion in Hairstyling shows in New York.<br />
<br />
We traveled together, going to Italy.<br />
One year Clint and I and my mom and Dad went to Abruzzi and visited the old farmhouse where he was born, we drove through the countryside and visited all his childhood friends and family.<br />
They didn't know we were coming and I still remember the shouts of joy as they saw my Father approaching. One man threw his hat in the air and put his arms around my father in unadulterated delight to see him again.<br />
All made feasts and invited everyone, we ate like kings, each family and friend trying to out do the other and show Armando how much they loved and missed him. I saw respect and love in their faces as they talked to my Father, I realized how much he meant to so many people.<br />
<br />
I may be rambling but these thoughts are swirling around in my head, big tears are falling upon this story.<br />
My dad lived his life with grace, with love, with respect, with kindness, with a yearning for knowledge and a sense of humor, a big smile and a big heart.<br />
<br />
We are all close, my family is close, I saw my Mom and Dad almost everyday. They live a half a block from me. I am lucky, I am blessed to have him, to know him, to learn from him, to be in his presence.<br />
We are all mourning, each of us. Tomorrow is his funeral. We will honor him and remember him and know that he is always there for us, no matter what. I will miss talking to him, asking his advice, laughing with him, I will miss his sparkle, his exuberance, his zest for life.<br />
<br />
I love you Pop. You did live every day of your life.<br />
You left us in a gentle way, with grace and dignity and we will miss you.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOP1vEGR-HkVOeek1obZ0BcHSwXkNp07rRNHVpFxGzaXVj2cmUhXesaZSHelB0XCmCu3arfDAMwTXyU2mU_aHYtApX1RoBqFcjVXytBzaxaA_PuOyzBJ5SUvMlv4M_UNt3gd0MGkuHpURv/s1600/IMG_5695.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOP1vEGR-HkVOeek1obZ0BcHSwXkNp07rRNHVpFxGzaXVj2cmUhXesaZSHelB0XCmCu3arfDAMwTXyU2mU_aHYtApX1RoBqFcjVXytBzaxaA_PuOyzBJ5SUvMlv4M_UNt3gd0MGkuHpURv/s320/IMG_5695.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00821417750280410272noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4780669289508003392.post-36009675502054226862011-11-24T14:01:00.000-05:002011-11-24T14:01:57.654-05:00Thankful<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhI1TeV5llueSPajfSH95Wo-P3HRMIoWcyDOuk9w9Wm1R8udPYuS9lQcfAXutJU2khkbaqAO276zrNqmE9KkN5ovoQMSE4jyoau8GYPzyxj4dBiyloMn1ZCKVRj91yWzTMcTy1pxWx5IXWT/s1600/IMG_4897.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhI1TeV5llueSPajfSH95Wo-P3HRMIoWcyDOuk9w9Wm1R8udPYuS9lQcfAXutJU2khkbaqAO276zrNqmE9KkN5ovoQMSE4jyoau8GYPzyxj4dBiyloMn1ZCKVRj91yWzTMcTy1pxWx5IXWT/s320/IMG_4897.JPG" width="240" /></a></div><br />
I have so much to be thankful for this year.<br />
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I am surrounded by sweet, wonderful family, friends and clients.<br />
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I can immerse myself in the joys of preparing a meal with love and intent.<br />
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I can look out my window and see the beauty of nature.<br />
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I can curl up in my soft, comfortable bed.<br />
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I can step into my shower and let hot water cascade down my body.<br />
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I can realize that each day, each minute actually is a gift to be treasured and appreciated.<br />
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I can look in the mirror and see my hair coming back.<br />
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I am aware of my body and know that it is healing itself, after chemo and radiation, after more chemo and after a liver operation.<br />
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I am grateful for smart, strong compassionate doctors. <br />
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I am grateful for my strong, resilient, courageous soul.<br />
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I am thankful for my sense of humor, my laughter and a big smile through it all.<br />
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I am grateful for my grand children, they bring me joy and innocence, and a sense that life goes on.<br />
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I am grateful for a loving, kind, caring, supportive husband, standing by me each and every second.<br />
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I am thankful for my parents, they show me the way each and every day.<br />
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I am blessed by my children, the wonderful parents they have become, adults, families of their own, all big and grown up, in the blink of an eye.<br />
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I am grateful for my son in law and daughter in law, they complete the circle of love in my family.<br />
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I am thankful to have loving and supportive family in Italy, many miles away but near to my heart.<br />
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I have so very much to be thankful for, not just today but every day of my life.<br />
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I am blessed, truly blessed.<br />
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I send white light, love, support, blessings to everyone today and every day.<br />
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As I love to say <i><b>"GRAZIE"</b></i>susanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00821417750280410272noreply@blogger.com1