LIVE , LAUGH , COOK

Resiliency

2012-02-01T17:10:00.001-05:00

A very close friend from my fathers childhood wrote to me to tell me I will be OK, that I have a gift from my father and that is resiliency.
Resiliency is what got me through this week.
How do you pass a week from a stroke? Today almost to the minute I was having a stroke in my own bedroom, there was no warning, all of a sudden I could not do what I had taken for granted for so long. Answer a question, find a word, even speak, it was a terrifying experience.
I came home after spending a day and night in the hospital, I went through a battery of tests, constant asking my name, simple things I could not remember. Yes, they were in my head, I just couldn't get them out.
I came home scared, that it could happen again and both Clint and I asking "how in the world did this happen" We still sit and talk about it. Beyond that, I am starting to fell better. My nausea is gone, the bad taste in my mouth is gone, I have my appetite back and most important of all is that Clint says I have my "Smiley" face on. I look at him and he is smiling back at me, a wonderful sight!
I wake up in the morning and hear the birds and I think, how lucky I am to have another day to feel better, to take care of myself, I am lucky indeed.

I started to take better care of me, I had let so much go, I just didn't feel good, but I did get a pedicure and get rid of all that Fu-Man-Chou hair on my chin, you know, the hair that grows one inch in a day!
My eyebrows looked like Andy Rooney's too, had them trimmed up too.

With this chemo, I should lose all my hair very shortly, or so the doctor is telling me to be prepared. My mom offered to get a wig, something I was especially against the first time I did this, but I gave in.
The people in Media were so friendly and helpful and it doesn't look bad at all. I am excited! (well almost)
I am still very tired and I definitely know something happened in my body, I can feel it. I am very lucky indeed. I still have trouble with words and phrases, just have to think a little more before I speak, which is not a bad thing after all.

I am so grateful for all your prayers and support, you remind me that yes, I can do this, yes every morning is a present.
Thank you for all your love and support of me.

Where do I begin?

2012-01-27T14:43:00.002-05:00

I think it has been a while since I wrote, seems like centuries to me.
I went down for my first chemo infusion last Friday. It was January 20th.
I didn't want to go, I felt too week, not strong enough and all of a sudden I was scared. I really didn't have a choice, so we headed down to 13th and Wolf, to Methodist, there was no room for me at Jeff. This was s smaller infusion center, only 10 chairs, not so busy.
I was trying not to cry all the way down and as they infusioned me. They keep asking if I was scared and yes I was. This is a new infusion of drugs, a little different from last time with all sorts of nice side effect. I came home with my pump for two more days and they came to unhook me on Sunday. At that point I was already in bed since Friday, sick as a dog, couldn't keep anything down, just laying in bed feeling sick every second.
By Wednesday, I woke up feeling a little bit hungry, first sign in 5 days, I ate a little but still stayed in bed for the day.
It was about 4 o'clock or so, Clint and I were both in my bedroom, Tina was bringing the boys for a 10 minute visit, as they came into the room, Clint saw my face change completely.
He came to me directly and asked my name, I could not tell him, he kept asking who he was, I could not tell him. Little did I know it but I was having a stroke. He was getting dressed as I lay down in bed, he wanted me to go to the hospital but all I wanted was to be in bed, but I could not talk.
He got me to emergency at Riddle, they took me immediately, I could not have been more thankful for the care I received. My name, the season, my birthday, what year was it (I said 1969!) the doctor just said squeeze my hand like it was 1969. I had a battery of test, all night long.
The next day the neurologist came and spoke with us in the hospital. I did have a stroke, I was there in plenty of time and I have almost every thought back, some words are hard to remember. For some reason they showed me a sign of a cactus, for the life of me I kept saying, you find them in Arizona, but couldn't name them, I think I need to have a cactus in my Voodoo room now!

They kept me until around 3 pm that day and sent me home.

I had my appointment with the oncologist today.
He can't explain it to me, they say some people who have cancer, are more prone to strokes but he said it was not the kind I had.
Who knows? but I can tell you it was the scariest thing I could have gone through. Today I feel tired but a little better. The doctor told me today (kidding, I hope or maybe not) that I was a challenging patient.
I get my second infusion a week from today. I'll take my aspirin every day and at night I ask myself who I am, just in case.

This road has taken so many turns, and the missing of my Dad.
I get so many emails and cards and support and food, I thank each and every one of you. Clint and I have so much to be thankful for, all the love and prayers. We thank you, for your kindness, your sweetness, your prayers and show of support for me as we go through this once again.

Once moment in time. Right now.

(By the way, this took way too long to write, I apologize for any mistake!)

A roller coaster ride

2012-01-19T12:28:00.001-05:00

A tiny street in Rome, the thought of Italy keeps me going!

I have to say that these past few weeks have been filled with anxiety, tears, fears, uncertainty, reluctance, despair, hope, almost every feeling imaginable.

A few weeks ago, I went to my oncologist complaining of persistent symptoms, nausea, bad taste in my mouth, the inability to keep food down, uncontrollable tears, great fatigue.
His answer to me, other than suggesting I take Lexapro for my depression was to have me go back on chemo. This news I met with the urge to throw up. I was in a weakened state and could not even imagine going through this again. I am thinner than I have ever been ~hellva diet!

He ordered an MRI, which I had on Saturday morning.
He called me on Monday night and told me the news was not good.
He wants me on chemo right away, no asking, this time he was telling me. The remaining part of the tumor that the operation did not get more than doubled in size and took with it, as clusters, all the then "little spots surrounding it".
They are little no longer. In the course of 5 short weeks this tumor is bigger and faster growing than any I've had. It is on the war path.
Although the news still made me sick to my stomach and brought fast and furious tears to my eyes, I realized my choices were limited. Do I want to live? Damn YES!!!!!!!
So I begin another regiment of chemo, starting tomorrow morning down at JEFF.

This second line of defense, as they call it will switch out some drugs for others. Not too sure of all the side effects, I have to tell you, I am almost afraid to look at the info sheets.
I will take one day at a time, get through that and then go on.
I had my screams and crying, now I will go on.
I have the blessings of so much love from family and friends and I know I will not go this alone.
He promises me that I will be better by early summer, this behind me. I respond well to chemo, he says and they will do more scans in a few months time. He is confident and that helps me.

Clint and I have been downtown almost every day this week, we have seen so many doctors, been given choices down the road, but for now they want to stop it in it's tracks, I can understand that.

I am grateful for all your thoughts and prayer, I cannot do this alone, so thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I am strong, I can do this, one moment at a time.

Wooden Nickles

2012-01-07T10:55:00.000-05:00

There is a saying that I have heard through the course of my life.

Whenever I asked Clint to do something that was quite literally impossible, he would say to me~
"What do you want me to do, stand on my head and spit wooden nickles?"

When I asked him what this meant, he told me he really didn't know but to me it was doing something that was quite impossible to do.

So this thought comes to mind as I go through this really difficult time in my life.

What am I expecting? how can I get through this? can I do it by myself? with no help?
I realized this week that it was like spitting wooden nickles, it is impossible to get through this myself. I need a little help.

After much thought and anguish and many many tears I decided to take the Lexapro. To help me through this, to get me back to me. I will continue my routine of writing, walking, stretching and eating healthy too.
I also decided against another 7 months of Chemo. I am in too weak a state right now, it could only do harm in my eyes, not help me. The mere thought of chemo makes me ill.

As I spoke to my oncologist yesterday, he agreed with what I wanted to do but also ordered another MRI for this week and an appointment with yet another Doctor, a radiation oncologist, my team of doctors grow by the minute. I will follow his suggestions and keep up with my Cancer, do what I have to do to manage it but also keeping my well being in mind too.

I feel at peace with my decision and this morning is the first morning I woke up almost feeling like myself again.
I am determined to make 2012 a good year no matter what. I intend to live my life moment by moment and try not to look too far ahead, enjoy all that I have and keep my family close.
I've had so much support from friends and clients through email, phone calls and cards and notes, each and everyone on has helped me with my decisions, your stories and support help me everyday and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

There is no better feeling in the world than to know you are not alone, that people are there for you and have gone before you and can understand what I am going through because they have been there themselves. It is the tide that carries me though everyday.
I thank God for the Guardian Angels in my life. I know my Dad is one of them too. He is there for me, helping me through this, guiding me along. His wisdom comes to me daily.

So I am on the road to recovery, no doubt it will be a long and winding road but I have help and guidance and love and support. I am lucky, I am blessed and I am grateful.

Thank you!

Hope in 2012

2012-01-01T10:50:00.002-05:00

I've been spiraling downward. These past weeks have been very tough. No matter that each morning I say to myself~"today will be a good day" my days were filled with sleep, tears and hopelessness. This is not me, I couldn't get out of bed, I had no desire to do anything. I trudged through whatever chores I had and got to the point where I just could not do anything at all. My symptoms were real. I have a queasy tummy and feel I can get sick at any minute. I have a bad taste in my mouth, I had to force myself to drink even water. I've lost over 10 pounds these past weeks. My exhaustion was overwhelming. I was so so tired. Even after more then 12 to 14 hours sleep I could crawl back into bed.

This week everything came to a point where all I was doing was crying in bed, both Clint and I were scared. I called the doctors, was this the Cancer? what was happening to me?
My surgeon and all his staff was on vacation, his nurse called me back and talked to me for a few minutes, her suggestion was that I was depressed and I should get my regular Doctor to give me a prescription for Lexapro, an anti depressant.

My oncologist called back and asked to see me the next day.

I dragged myself out of bed and went to see him. He, too felt depression had a big part in what I was feeling, he gave me the script for Lexapro along with other medications to help with the symptoms. He also said something that not only scared the hell out of me but made me want to get sick right there and then.
"I want to put you on another 7 months of chemo". He feels that some of the symptoms are related to the Cancer and that I would feel better on chemo.

I couldn't believe my ears, feel better on Chemo??!! I am feeling weak and down and I cannot imagine going on a 7 month duration of something that makes me weaker and more fragile. He told me it was up to me and made a follow up appointment for this Friday.

I am overwhelmed, overwhelmed with sadness and grief and hopelessness and tears. This is not me. what happened? how did I get to this point? what can I do to change this around?
I took the lexapro for 3 days an then decided I can't do this, this is not who I am. I need to make changes in my life to turn this around. I need to make a list of the things I know will make me feel better and try to do as much as I can each and every day.

I sat at my desk and wrote that list.
Write, Meditate, Stretch, Walk, Eat Fruit, Heal, be Kind to me, give myself the time to grieve, the time to heal.
Each day I open my eyes and though I just want to stay in bed, I get up, I write, something I have been neglecting lately, I meditate, I do a few yoga poses -the ones I know, I bundle up and walk with my face towards the sun. I nibble on fruit, I drink water, I get a massage. I lay down when I can't stand up anymore. I am trying with all my heart to change this around, without drugs, without pills, without chemo, but with hope.

This is not easy, but I take one moment at a time, hoping that each day I will feel a little better.
I have such love and support surrounding me and I am grateful for it all. There are angels in my life who are there to help me and I thank you, I can't do this alone.
So I have hope for this year~2012, hope that I will pull myself up, that I will get through this tough time, that I can come back to myself and smile and laugh again, and get out of bed!

I wish you love and peace and health this new year, I wish you moments filled with family and those that are dear to you. I wish you moments of time, each special, each magical.

A Christmas wish for you

2011-12-20T19:03:00.000-05:00

As I read through my past blogs, I see a theme, a thread of survival. These thoughts are one of optimism, gratitude, of going on despite what is swirling around me.

I take heart knowing that in the midst of Cancer, chemo, radiation and operation, I still manage to get myself back to a place where I can look around and be grateful for all that is in my life.
I can look on the positive, I can see the sun despite the clouds, I can see a rainbow when there is pouring rain.

These past few weeks I thought it would just take me longer than before, after all~ it is piling up, although I don't like to lump problems or issues into one big pile. I like to think that each is separate, each different, that the world is not crashing down around me.

The loss of my father hit me hard, immediately and profoundly.

I know he was 85, I know he was slowing down considerably, I know when I brought him to his doctor visits, he had some minor issues that we could not get a hold of, I know he was tired, I could see it in his face.
I know he lived a good, happy full life, I know he died peacefully.

These things I know but they do not erase the longing or the missing him. Nothing prepares you for losing a parent. Someone said it so right, you just want them here~all the time no matter what.
Grief is personnel, I am finding out, some scream and cry, some mourn silently, others stay busy keep the demons at bay.
I am choosing to remember, to go through pictures, to talk to family in Italy who respected him so much. I talk to my Dad daily, I blow kisses to his pictures hanging around my home, pictures of him as a 18 year old young man, not yet in this country, standing besides a borrowed bicycle, of him on his wedding day, so handsome, eyes alight with joy, of him with his brothers, all four, he was the oldest and last to pass. I find comfort in this, in keeping him alive in my heart and in my memories.

Some say I will dream of him and I think I did last night but this morning there was just a presence, not anything that I remembered. It is OK. I know he is here with me, for me, guiding me along the way.

So we go through this Christmas with heavy hearts, knowing full well that here on Christmas Eve there will be an empty spot at the table and an empty spot in our hearts.

I do have grand kids, so Christmas will go on and that is a good thing. They somehow make you forget everything and concentrate on the moment.

So in this moment my Christmas wish to you is a Blessed, Happy, Healthy, Loving Christmas, filled with family and those who are dear to you. Give thanks for what you have, it is more than enough.

Take a look around you, forget the presents, and the pile of gifts. It is the people in your life that makes everything worthwhile. Each and every moment is special with those you love. Whether they are here or not.

In the Midst of Heart Ache

2011-12-14T06:42:00.000-05:00

This is so much harder than I thought possible.

These past few days have been filled with a listlessness, a sad countenance, a sad heart.

I see my Dad in every corner of the house.
I sit in my office and look at his pictures, the cross that was on his casket, the wallet that he carried everywhere, the belt he always wore. My office is filled with bits and pieces of him, tucked on every shelf, propped against the wall, filling my home with his memories.

Through the busy~ness of this season, I cry unexpectedly, I feel lethargic, I have no appetite.
I didn't expect this, couldn't predict this grief, this missing him, his presence and wit, his smiling face and wisdom. Nothing prepares you for this void.

I try to think he is here with me, his memories will keep me warm and safe but at the dinner table the other night, as we celebrated my son Dominick birthday, there was a void, an emptiness. It was all I could do to bear it, I was near tears the whole time, watching my mom get her plate and sit next to an empty chair, she always prepared a plate for my dad first. We all tried to get through that dinner without breaking down, and to tell you the truth I couldn't wait for everyone to leave, so I could cry in the solitude of my room.

After all the preparations for the funeral are over, as we continue our life, that is when it hits, he is not coming back, he is not here any more, I can't ask him a question about Italy, ask his advice on business, joke with him, talk to him, he is not here.

This is what grief is all about, the mourning, the sadness, the realization that someone is passed from your life, ready or not, they are gone.

The holiday will be hard, we are all trying to keep my mom busy, through our own grief and tears.
The past few days I felt I could not get out of bed, I didn't want to, I found a great fatigue washing over me, making me listless and lethargic, no ambition, no energy, no emotions other than sorrow.

I woke up today, this early morning and tried to get my head on straight, to tell myself that I can do this, I can move forward, through the pain, through the missing him, through the sorrow.
I tried to tell myself he is here, with me always, the memories, are here, he is watching over me.
This is what will get me through.

One day at a time, one moment at a time. I am blessed to have him as a father, I am blessed by so much in my life.

I can do this, a little at a time.

Optimisim

2011-12-09T08:25:00.000-05:00

Amidst the busy~ness of these past few weeks, preparing for my Dad's funeral, meeting the obligations of holiday parties, teaching cooking classes and trying to keep my head on straight, I have been dutiful in scheduling my PT/CT scan and MRI, making and keeping doctors appointments.

My liver surgery was November 3rd, it took almost a month for me to get my energy back and start to feel like myself again. All the while knowing I would have to take these tests and find out what just exactly was left inside my body, what is growing and what is shrinking.

This is a stressful time as you can imagine but dealing with so much else put it in the background of my mind. I thought to myself "It is what it is" no use worrying, no use fretting, I will handle what comes my way, with strength and grace and the guidance of Pop up in heaven.
I have a feeling now of being watched over, knowing that it will be all right~no matter what it is.

We traveled down to Jeff to see the oncologist first, my favorite of all my doctors. His calm and reassuring demeanor is comforting to me. He doesn't stir up fear and anxiety, I feel trust and a knowledge that we can take care of anything that comes my way. He knows me, what I do for my living, how important family and cooking and work is to me, he takes these into consideration when making decisions on my health.

It seems and this was confirmed by the surgeon as well that, I "Burn Well" which means that where they went in to microwave the tumor the spot is clear and clean. There remains a ring of suspicious "Lighting up" around that lesion still, along with that are other spots, some new, some there from the last scan.
There is a "new"spot on the other side of my liver now that has to be addressed.
I swear I must have mushroom soil in my liver, these damn things are prolific! (maybe weed killer would work!)

I took this all as good news, really.

The Cancer did not spread to another organ, it is staying in the liver. I can deal with that. The liver regenerates. OK, if I have to have this, just stay in the liver, we will take this on~ one spot at a time.
They are suggesting implanting radio active seeds to shut off the blood supply to that area. Along with that maybe more "burns" to get rid of those other spots.

They have a plan, the doctors are calm and confident. Two very important traits you want in a doctor.
Believe it or not I am optimistic, I feel strong again and I feel I can take this on.

They don't want to do anything for at least 6 to 8 weeks so I have a bit of a vacation from doctors and Cancer until after the holidays, thank goodness!

So while I really wanted to hear" it's all gone"this news is OK too.

One day at a time, one step at a time, one spot at a time.

Connections

2011-12-07T06:35:00.000-05:00

This word has been rolling around in my mind for a few days now.

In these past two weeks, each day has been full.
Full of tears and full of remembrances, full of love and full with the support of family and friends.
I find myself enveloped in the embrace of love and gratitude.

I wake up thinking how very lucky I am. To have grown up in the circle of my loving and caring and yes, funny family.
To share so many happy times and memories. To now be surrounded by such love and support. I am lucky, I am blessed.

I feel the connections with others. This is what life is all about.
Not possessions, or the biggest house, best car, not things but people. That is what makes my life so magical. The connections I have with others.

The hugs I get. Oh, the hugs! When someone hugs me it is like being embraced with an Aura of love. It breaths strength into my body, it allows me to know I am not alone.
So many hugs these past days, big hugs, strong hugs, loving hugs. I am so grateful for the embrace of so many people.

This is what life is about, the people in your life, the connections, the threads that bind us together. The relationships, both life long and passing.

My life is filed with the richness of friendship and family. As I look around and go through my day, I feel blessed in so many ways. My Dad had a saying "Bread on the Water". What you give comes back to you.
I am living that saying now. The connections I made with everyone during my life have come full circle. I feel the love and the warmth surrounding me at each turn. I am lifted up, I am consoled, I am supported and loved and I am thankful. I see kindness and sweetness in the faces of my clients, my friends, this wonderful outpouring of support.

This holiday season is hectic but stop and take the time to look at the faces of people you meet. It is the people who are important, not the things. Make a connection, give someone a smile, practice random acts of kindness and you will feel blessed.
Giving is not about shopping, a kind word, a good deed, a helpful hand, an embrace, a thoughtful gesture, that is what giving is all about. Your love and kindness to others will come back to you tenfold.

Bread on the water.

A tribute to my Mom

2011-12-02T08:16:00.004-05:00

November 13, 2011 my birthday dinner, my family together

Yesterday was a day filled with tears and smiles as we celebrated my Dad's life.

It was a day filled with both sadness and gratitude.

As I stood in the church next to my Mom, friends, family and neighbors from a life lived well filed by.
My Dad knew a lot of people. His barber shop has been around for 50 years. He was a star in the Tanning business with his unusual and fun ads in the local papers. Many people came to share their thoughts and express their regrets.

In the past few days my daughter, Tina, went through all the family pictures putting together 10 posters of memories. It was both difficult and wonderful she said, to spend time with grand pop through the years of pictures. She did a wonderful job, capturing his exuberance and zest for life.

My son, Dominick wrote his Eulogy. Standing up in church among family and friends, telling the story of my father's life and the effect his actions and deeds had on us. It was a wonderful tribute to a life well lived.

Each remembering my Dad in their own way. I realized that this is what life is all about. To be surrounded by people you love, to share the daily joys and sorrows. To celebrate all the good in life.

As I stood by my mom's side, this diminutive tiny lady, who made her life with a stranger, really.
She loved and supported him in every endeavor. She took loving care of him until the very end.
She cooked a wonderful meal for him every single day, even when his interest in food and eating became less, there was a wonderful meal at lunch time, table set with a table cloth, basket of bread, glass of wine, a meal prepared with love.
She sang to him every morning at breakfast, she made sure all his cloths matched, she loved him to the very end.

As we made arrangements for his funeral, she stood strong, with tears in her eyes as she picked out his suit, chose a beautiful prayer for the Holy card. Ordered lush deep red velvet roses for the flowers surrounding him in church.
Every last detail taken care of with love and strength.

My father was lucky and he knew that.

My Mom told me that on Thanksgiving Day night, after they left my house, as he was going up to bed for the last time, he turned to her and said "Ma, you take too good care of me"
He called her Ma, her called her Mother Goose, he spoke to her with love and respect all his life.
They had a wonderful, caring, special relationship.

As I looked down on my tiny mom, she is only 4 foot 8, I saw a strong women, a women I love and respect, a women I learned so much from.

I talked to her last night as we went over the events of the day.
"Mom, you should be proud, you took such good care of Pop, up until the very end."

As the service came to an end and we said our last goodbyes, my mom put her hand on my Dad and told him she loved him and that he left her too soon, with tears in our eyes we said our last goodbyes.

This is a tribute to my Mother, a strong, smart, fun women, a perfect partner to my Dad.

I love you Mom and I know Pop did too.

My Dad

2011-11-30T07:37:00.003-05:00

This is the last picture, the last time we saw him, on Thanksgiving, in my kitchen, going home, hands always behind his back, always.

Words, thoughts, experiences, rolling around in my head every waking moment.

Writing for me has always been a sort of release, an outlet to the thoughts that swirl in my heart.
This is hard, harder than I've ever thought possible.
I want to honor my Dad, remember him, bless him, thank him. I want to write about him, tell his story.

It is too fresh, too close, too near to losing him. The words are there but not in complete sentences or thoughts.

" May you live every day of your life. "

I just read this and immediately thought of my Dad.

He lived every single day, with joy, with enthusiasm, with laughter, with purpose, with a kind, loving, giving spirit.
He taught me so much about life and people and goals, about kindness and how to treat others. He was a giving person, always sharing, always present, always there. His story is one I know in my heart. It is one of courage and strength and determination.

He faced all odds yet came out on top, smiling.

Born in 1926, two month premature in a tiny village in Abruzzi Italy, he was born in a farmhouse with no heat or running water, in January, on a cold blustery winter day. His grandfather Sabatino raced down the mountainside to get a priest to bless this little baby not expected to make it through the night.

My father was a fighter from day one.

He made many connections in Italy, these connections still exists today.
Relatives, friends, neighbors call to express sorrow yet share stories of how kind and strong he was.
They tell me my Father was an example of a man with an adventurous spirit, someone they still look up to today.

His dream was to come to the United States.
I asked him once when he had that dream, he told me always.
He made that dream come true.
In 1953 he came to this country after working in the steel mills in France for three years to save for his passage.
He came to New York, not knowing the language, he came to this country with determination, and a dream. He married my mom in an arranged marriage. They will be married 58 years on January 31st 2012.

He came here with a sense of adventure, a determination, a sense of humor, a strong work ethic, a gentleness to treat everyone, no matter who they were with respect.
He always always gave more than he had. To the church, to the homeless on Race street when we would go to Chinatown. He would eat Chinese food but was always looking for the bread! A true Italian!
He shared his wealth of barbering by becoming a teacher and taught all of us, his four kids how to cut hair. We all worked in his barber shop, we worked as a family, came home and had dinner as a family.

He did this by taking us to "old age homes" a term we used in the 70's. We went with our scissors and straight razors and gave haircuts to everyone on Sunday mornings. We made rosaries by the dozens and he sent them to poor countries. He went to church everyday of his life until the onset of Alzheimer's made him slower and more fragile.

He had a ready smile, always, no matter what.

He patted my mom on the backside up until the very end. His love for her was timeless.

I am remembering his life, in the early morning hours, at night time as I try to fall asleep with tears in my eyes. I am remembering his goodness, his wit, his sayings, his stories.

I will keep him with me always.

I can describe my Dad in so many ways. He was a special man. A true and good soul, a gentleman, a scholar, an inventor, he invented the flat top comb in the 50's and became Flattop champion in Hairstyling shows in New York.

We traveled together, going to Italy.
One year Clint and I and my mom and Dad went to Abruzzi and visited the old farmhouse where he was born, we drove through the countryside and visited all his childhood friends and family.
They didn't know we were coming and I still remember the shouts of joy as they saw my Father approaching. One man threw his hat in the air and put his arms around my father in unadulterated delight to see him again.
All made feasts and invited everyone, we ate like kings, each family and friend trying to out do the other and show Armando how much they loved and missed him. I saw respect and love in their faces as they talked to my Father, I realized how much he meant to so many people.

I may be rambling but these thoughts are swirling around in my head, big tears are falling upon this story.
My dad lived his life with grace, with love, with respect, with kindness, with a yearning for knowledge and a sense of humor, a big smile and a big heart.

We are all close, my family is close, I saw my Mom and Dad almost everyday. They live a half a block from me. I am lucky, I am blessed to have him, to know him, to learn from him, to be in his presence.
We are all mourning, each of us. Tomorrow is his funeral. We will honor him and remember him and know that he is always there for us, no matter what. I will miss talking to him, asking his advice, laughing with him, I will miss his sparkle, his exuberance, his zest for life.

I love you Pop. You did live every day of your life.
You left us in a gentle way, with grace and dignity and we will miss you.

Thankful

2011-11-24T14:01:00.000-05:00

I have so much to be thankful for this year.

I am surrounded by sweet, wonderful family, friends and clients.

I can immerse myself in the joys of preparing a meal with love and intent.

I can look out my window and see the beauty of nature.

I can curl up in my soft, comfortable bed.

I can step into my shower and let hot water cascade down my body.

I can realize that each day, each minute actually is a gift to be treasured and appreciated.

I can look in the mirror and see my hair coming back.

I am aware of my body and know that it is healing itself, after chemo and radiation, after more chemo and after a liver operation.

I am grateful for smart, strong compassionate doctors.

I am grateful for my strong, resilient, courageous soul.

I am thankful for my sense of humor, my laughter and a big smile through it all.

I am grateful for my grand children, they bring me joy and innocence, and a sense that life goes on.

I am grateful for a loving, kind, caring, supportive husband, standing by me each and every second.

I am thankful for my parents, they show me the way each and every day.

I am blessed by my children, the wonderful parents they have become, adults, families of their own, all big and grown up, in the blink of an eye.

I am grateful for my son in law and daughter in law, they complete the circle of love in my family.

I am thankful to have loving and supportive family in Italy, many miles away but near to my heart.

I have so very much to be thankful for, not just today but every day of my life.

I am blessed, truly blessed.

I send white light, love, support, blessings to everyone today and every day.

As I love to say "GRAZIE"

Appreciate

2011-11-22T06:58:00.000-05:00

I have been using this word a lot lately.

In my early morning writings, in my notes of thanks for small and unexpected gifts, in my thoughts on life and what I have, for all the love and support I feel from so many people in my life. For my family, for my clients who have become friends with me through this journey.

I appreciate so much in my life.

When you are feeling blue or down and out, sometimes it is hard to realize what gifts your life holds on a daily basis.

Each morning as I write I realize just how blessed I am. I have so much love and support and sweetness around me, from the cards and notes to flowers and unexpected acts of kindness I am surrounded by love. Each and everyone following this journey with me help me to be strong and know it is OK. I appreciate life, I appreciate the support and love, I appreciate what I have and the strength I have in handling it all.

Appreciation, a big step in getting better. Appreciation, a way to reconcile the good with the bad, appreciation, allowing me to know that I am not alone, that I will bounce back, that I will be OK, that I have love and support surrounding me, prayers coming my way, encouragement surrounding me.

I appreciate it all.

Each and every morning I say a prayer of thanks for this day, this new beginning, this fresh start to get stronger, to feel better, to know I am on the mend.

Appreciate what you have, look at your life and see how you are blessed, concentrate on the goodness surrounding you each and every day, the miracle of life and Friends and family. The strength that laughter can bring.

This Thanksgiving is a perfect time to take a minute and give thanks for all the little things that you have in your life, daily gifts that we sometimes don't acknowledge.
Each day is a gift and each connection we have with a person is a tiny miracle. I am blessed, I am lucky, and I appreciate my life and all who are part of it.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.

It isn't about the best and most delicious dinner, it is about the people we share the table with.

Be blessed!
Love to you and everyone in your life.

feeling blue

2011-11-17T06:33:00.001-05:00

My feelings mirror this day~ dreary, sad and wet.

What I am going through is so much more than just Cancer. It affects me not only physically but mentally, financially, emotionally, right down into my soul. There are fears and lots of tears. I feel I am recovering slowly from this operation, whether it be from the anesthesia or the drugs or the trauma that my body went through, I am not sure. I just know I am not myself. It is hard to heal physically when the emotional side is down in the dumps.

This rainy day is perfect for spending in bed but it hurts to lay down so I am here at my computer working and writing. Trying to pick myself up and dust myself off and start all over again.

I was writing this morning and a phrase that I was using before this operation came to mind. The Doctor said to me before we went into the operating room "see you on the other side".

I am thinking, will I get to the other side of this or am I still in it? I want to move forward, move ahead, move past this. I want to be on the other side. I want to be myself again. My happy, positive self.
Seems the mountain is high this time. My body is a package, not only the physical but the mental, the emotional all wrapped into one, each healing at a different pace.

I desperately want to put this behind me, I am still scheduled for the testing to see what they got and what they didn't, so it still seems like this is hanging over my head.
Clint, in trying to help me said, we only have now, we are in a holding pattern, nothing more to do right now, he is right. I need to listen to my heart and to my own words too. Just enjoy this moment in time. Take each day as a gift.

We are so lucky, we get a new fresh start every morning, every day, to make it better, to change, to rest, to heal. Each day is a gift.
I will be back to me, I know I will. I am a strong women, a tough cookie as Clint says. This will pass and it will be OK. I know it will.
I am surrounded by love and support and and I truly have so much in my life.

So I am concentrating on my blessings, which are many and getting better and being me again.

Life's little lessons

2011-11-12T11:26:00.000-05:00

I believe that every single thing we do, happen upon or go through each day happens for a reason. It is a lesson, is part of something bigger.

This past week and and half has been a tough time for me. I was blindsided. Not because I wasn't prepared but only because sometimes I think myself to be invincible, maybe that is not the right word but I went into this strong, healthy and happy and just expected to be bouncing around here in a few days time.

As I lay in my bed trying to get my mind around the fact that it was hard to laugh, though I didn't really feel like laughing but even taking a breath was difficult. I couldn't move easily, get in and out of bed, even staying in bed was hard. I thought to myself~"how can I make myself better? what can I do to speed this up, to make me feel normal again?"

The answer that came to me was to breath, deeply.

Your breath is a powerful force in your body that you can somewhat control. While I was in the recovery room right after the procedure I kept waking to a beeping sound. Now that seems funny because all you hear in the hospital is machines beeping for this or that, but every time this beeping happened a nurse would stick her head around the corner and tell me to breath. It seems that because of the pain my breath was shallow and this machine was a reminder to take a deep breath. I never thought in my whole life that I would need a machine to tell me to breath. I LOVE to breath!

When I came home there was no machine beeping to tell me to breath, so I decided to do it myself. I know the breathe heals, my friend Sarah always tells me to take a breath down to my toes. This was not easy. It was very painful. My rib cage was sore, all the organs on the right side of my body were inflamed by the microwave procedure, so taking a deep breath brought tears to my eyes.

As I lay there trying to breath healing light and energy into my body, I thought that the hardest and most painful thing I was doing~breathing, was the thing that was going to help me the most.

A light went off in my head. This is like life! some of the hardest experiences we go through in life, the most painful, the most challenging, are the experiences that help us to grow the most. That make us a better person, that prepare us for something down the road. A lesson, that once learned, will make another experience easier, another time in our life more seamless. Every single thing we do prepares us for another.
So here I am, making a conscious effort to breath deeply, each day getting a little better, a little easier and knowing I will be all right.
Don't take your breath for granted. Feel the breath enter your body and go all the way down to your toes, let it out slowly and know that it is your companion, in times of fear and stress, it will help you get through most anything life can serve up.

Thrown for a loop, gone through the ringer, hit by a Mack truck

2011-11-10T17:32:00.001-05:00

I can honestly say I didn't see this coming. The pain, the reaction from the pain medication, the inability to move, cough, breath.
I was optimistic. Maybe too much so. I went into this feeling good, feeling healthy, feeling energetic, thinking I was going to get out of bed and be myself in two days time.

NO, that didn't happen.

I am just now, one week later starting to feel human, starting to think that yes, I will get over this, be able to take a deep breath, walk steadily, cough even laugh without too much pain.
The Doctor told me it was painful, I had no idea.
I have to say that I knew where about in my body my liver was but now I know EXACTLY where it is and how it feels.

It feels like Sponge Bob Square Pants, every time I take a breath.

Full of holes and squishy, my whole right, side front and back is sore to the touch. My rib cage is sore. They went in through the rib cage, wiggling those needles through all my organs to get to my liver, the second biggest organ of the body.

Laparoscopic Microwave Ablation of Liver Mets reads the Short procedure discharge papers.
Yes, they sent me home that night a little after 8PM after several injections of Fentanyl, morphine and anti nausea drugs that did little to ease the pain.

My day started early with us leaving the house before 6:30AM or so. They were late, I was scheduled for a 9:45 operation. At 11:30 I was still in holding area number one along with about 40 other people. The nurse told Clint they typically do around 99 patients a day on that floor alone. No hand holding there.
When, after IV's were place in both hands, I have a permanent port in my left shoulder so now I had three ways they can get the drugs in, I went into the operating room around noon or after.

I was really not too coherent until yesterday. I do remember pain, I do remember taking meds prescribed for the pain and believe it or not I remember having a cocktail with the Queen of England and getting Elizabeth Taylor a drink. So you can see where I was~in la la land.

The surgeon told us he thought the procedure went well, although they did not get all the cancer, nor did they even look at the other lesions I had on my liver. I have more tests scheduled in a few weeks to see what, if anything is left.
What they did was go into my right side, through my rib cage with long big needles that they heated to a high intensity and microwaved my liver.
Now those of you who know me and come to class know that I don't even own a microwave!!! I never ever cook with a microwave. I guess this was revenge of the Microwaves! Still have my sense of humor even though I can't laugh.

The Doctor told me before this operation, 5 days to recover, after this operation he told me 10 days recovery. I am getting better, I am off the pain medicine taking only Tylenol not because it hurts less but because I do not want the side effects from those pain meds. NO MORE PILLS! I woke up saying about 3 days ago.
This is the first day my fingers would work in conjunction with my brain, so it took me a while to post this blog.

Thank you for all your support and prayers, love and cards.

I am on the mend, and now I know exactly where my Liver is!

Feelin' the love

2011-11-02T18:19:00.000-04:00

Like a ray of sunshine on my face, the coziness of a warm blanket, the beautiful brilliant colors of Autumn. Love is in the air.

I am feeling the love, prayers, thoughts, good wishes from everyone.

I am reveling in the hugs and kisses. The cards and notes.
The confidence in me and the reassurance.

THANK YOU!

Tomorrow we leave around 6:30 AM, I have to be at Jeff at 7:45 AM. Surgery is scheduled for 9:45AM. It should take about 3 hours or so.

I am doing OK. I am ready!!!!

Thank you for all the love and all the prayers.
See you on the other side of this!

Being Italian

2011-10-30T19:16:00.001-04:00

When I sit in the quiet early morning and reflect on my life or my day or my feelings, I can sometimes feel melancholy wash over me. When this happens I turn my thoughts to all that I have in my life, who I am, who I've become over these past 57 years.

I am grateful for so many things in my life, very simple things, the smile and laughter of my grandchildren, a really good meal prepared simply in my kitchen with love and purpose, the people in my life, the ebb and flow of kindness and goodness that has come my way.

I am especially grateful for my heritage. I love being Italian, I love the fact that my Dad was born in the mountains of Abruzzi, Italy, he grew up poor but happy and optimistic, he didn't even own a bicycle, he had to borrow one if he went to the nearby towns. But he was happy, he tells me often that he spent his youth by his grandfather's side. There he leaned to treat people with respect, he learned to help out with the harvesting of grapes for wine of olives for oil. He took baskets of eggs on that borrowed bike into the village to sell. Once when he was biking down that hill, a little too fast to be carrying eggs, he felt himself falling, he told me he was smart enough to land on his back with the basket raised up towards the heavens so the eggs wouldn't break! He still remembers that story vividly and I think he was 9 years old.

I feel such a connection to Italy. When Clint and I travel there, no matter where we go I feel a familiarity to everything. I am home, I am among the people and culture I know in my heart. In the years of my childhood I heard that musical language everyday and saw the way that my family acted together at meals, at prayer, at leisure. We did everything together, everything. I spent my youth with my parents, near them, around them learning from them and enjoying life with them.

Our neighborhood was all Italian, therefore I thought everyone was Italian, and how lucky they all were.
I treasure my family history, my family abroad, each and every one of them. When I meet with my family in Italy they open their arms and hearts to me as if I didn't live 3000 miles away. They feed me and embrace me and love me and remember all the good times they experienced with my father.

I want to share my Italy with everyone and I do when I take people on my trips, when I teach an Italian cooking class, when I speak and tell stories of my parents arranged marriage and how my dad came here on a boat with nothing but his lunch, as my mother likes to say. My parents married only knowing each other for mere months, but they are good people and they did it and I had the most wonderful magical childhood growing Italian.

And for that I am grateful... every single day.

What I miss

2011-10-29T16:09:00.000-04:00

This morning as I am sitting here with the wind and rain and snow blowing outside my window, I am thinking of how things are so different now.

We have very little connection with people. We connect with automation. If there is a problem we call and do we get to speak to a person? no ~we have a voice, a disembodied voice giving us instruction, repeating words that have no meaning, press one for this, press two for that, to get connected to a real person I have to break out in a sweat!

This past weekend I had an experience to drive me to drink.

A few weeks ago I went to the ATM at my bank to withdrawal money, it was early in the morning before bank hours, I withdrew $400 and low and behold $287 came out. In between the 20's were fives and ones. I was shorted $113 dollars.

I came home and immediately called the bank, after jumping through a series of hoops, I was told it was not the banks' problem, call the debit card company, I called them and fumbled through more recordings, until they finally put in a claim. Yesterday I received notification the claim was denied, they said the correct amount came out of the ATM,~no it didn't. I called back again and was shuffled like a deck of cards on poker night around and around, when I finally got to talk to a person, after a long time of me saying "person please" into the phone to an automated voice, being transferred god knows where, trying, hoping just to get to speak to a person instead of a recoding.

I spent most of the afternoon going between bank and debt card company, nobody was taking responsibility for this mistake, each transferring me or sending me to yet another automated voice.
I realized this is just one incident, just one time, but we no longer have communication with a human being. I am all for modern technology but sometimes it goes too far.

Our life is full of automation, automatic bill pay, automatic help centers, automated direction, cell phones IPADS, people walking around and yes, God forbid driving ~looking down! on the cell phone and texting.
On another note, but really the same thing, we now have super stores~ supermarket and stores that carry everything from diapers to lamp shades to ground meat.
What happened to the family run businesses, the people we can interact with daily, where did they all go?
Life is full of press one press two.

That is one of the reasons I shop only at family businesses, I want to talk to the person cutting my meat, making my pasta, selling my vegetables. I want to have a conversation about the weather, about how to cook something, about how they are doing. I want human contact. I want to resolve my issues with someone who cares, not a robot voice that just transfers you to another robot voice.

Seek out the family run businesses, seek out people you can talk to, commiserated with, share a laugh, a story, a problem, people are all around us and everyone is on the phone paying attention to something other than what they are doing.

It is time to stop, stop and smell the roses, be in the present, be aware of who is around you. Know that we are all in this together, that we can help one another and that we need one another.

Growing up in a very Italian small neighborhood, I had the pleasure of shopping with my mother. Our stores were on the corner, around the block, up the hill. We had a few butchers, with meat hanging on hooks, pens outside with lambs at Easter time, turkeys at Thanksgiving, butchers who carved your meat, made your sausage, talked to you about preparation and care. We had corner grocery stores with fruits and vegetables so beautifully displayed they looked polished.We had the bread man, scents of freshly baked bread and pizza on a Friday night filling the neighborhoods. We had the chicken man, in a little row home filled with cages of live fowl chosen by you to be freshly butchered and ready for a Sunday roast. The women stopped and talked to each person, exchanging recipes, gossip, smiles, concern.
I miss the neighborhood stores. I miss the interaction with real live people. I miss making a phone call to resolve an issue and hearing a "Hello" at the other end.
Slow down, take your life a moment at a time, talk to people, ask questions, make eye contact, laugh with someone, share a story, an idea, a recipe, a smile.

We go around much too fast and life as we know it is passing us by.

Take some time to interact with people, your life will be richer for just that!

Feelings

2011-10-28T17:31:00.001-04:00

Can't help but have this emotional roller coaster wave of feelings washing through me.
Anxiety, fear, frustration, sadness, fear, did I mention fear? uncertainty, frazzled nerves, and yes fear.

It has been too long, too long to reflect, to think, to anticipate, to wonder and be afraid.

I am human after all, and even though I think I am strong, I may be strong, I still have these emotions~ that do not serve me, that do no good, I know all of that but they are still here, leaking out into my day, into my thoughts, my conscious and unconscious thoughts.

You would think that after all I have been through these past months I would be able to handle this with boxing gloves on. Getting into the ring with confidence. Facing this liver operation head on.
With bravado,with swagger, with confidence.

Maybe I will, once I get there but these days before are offering up a smorgasbord of feelings.

I went down to Jeff yesterday for my pre-op testing. Left the house around 11AM home by 6 PM. I was put in a room and signed in by a clerk, visited by a Physicians assistant who went through my whole medical history.
Next came the EKG lady, followed by a women pushing a cart with tubes for blood, it reminded me of the Dim Sum restaurant I go to with my mom, only she had tubes for blood not sticky rice and pork dumplings!
I also had a consultation with the Anesthesia doctor, followed by a chest X RAY. Everyone was thorough and efficient. Making this all real. I am on clear liquids the day before the operation and I will be doing a cleansing. I will be notified about the time and location the night before the operation. Not sure yet if he will scoop, burn or zap the tumors, he will know more once he opens me up, I am told. Not sure of the length of stay either. So there is still some uncertainty but I have heard from more than one person that my doctor is the "ONE"~ the best there is, someone even went so far to say that they would not have anyone else operate on them, that makes me happy. I have a more than good surgeon.

I am an optimistic person so I am expecting the best, the best recovery, the best outcome, the best results, the best looking scar!

I am healthy, I am energetic, I am lucky to be in such good hands and have so many people praying for me and thinking about me and sending me love~Thank you everyone!

This has been a roller coaster ride and I am now going up that big hill, click click click, ready for the big drop. Am I ready? ready as I ever will be!

Think of me and my liver on November 3rd!

The Simple Things in Life

2011-10-18T17:24:00.001-04:00

I find lately that I am enjoying the simpler things in life, the small things that make me feel good each and every day.

The situations or happenings that I really didn't pay too much attention to before now give me a satisfying pleasure and best of all they are free and happen to just about everyone:

~Doing a load of wash and finding money in the dryer or in a pair of pants or the bottom of your handbag, such a great surprise, even a few dollars makes me happy!

~Making the yellow light, now I don't mean racing to catch the light but driving along and getting through when you thought you wouldn't

~Fresh clean sheets, the absolute best feeling~ crisp and clean and cozy

~Sleeping in on a rainy day, I have a tendency to jump out of bed even when I don't have to get up but on a rainy day there is nothing better than pulling those covers up and just listening to the rain outside (on those clean sheets too!)

~Receiving a hand written letter or card in the mail, with email and text no one takes the time to write a note anymore, I love to get mail and it always makes me feel special

~Finding a parking spot, ever go into a crowded lot and think you will never find a spot~ well you are right, think the opposite, plan on finding a spot close by and it will magically appear!

~Laughing out loud, it just releases everything, all that pent up stress we carry around without even being aware of it, laugh freely and loudly, each and every day, it lifts your mood immensely!

~Pure silence, I get my dose in the early morning, quiet, dark and a promise of a new day.

~Sitting in the sun, find a spot where you can feel the sun on your skin, even in cold temperatures this feels heavenly, ever watch a cat, they find the tiniest sunny spot and camp out!

~Really good simple food~ there's nothing like it!

~Hearing a favorite song, music can change your mood, it lifts us up, brings us to a long forgotten memory, it can change your mood in a musical beat.

~Receiving a compliment, we often are embarrassed when someone pays us a compliment but just say thank you and enjoy it, it feels much better then poo pooing it away

These are just a few of the simple things in life that can change our mood, make our day and allow us to be in the moment. Take advantage of what is at your doorstep!

A Celebration and Thank you

2011-10-09T08:42:00.001-04:00

I know the year ended too quickly, in a way we didn't want, disappointment is hard to wish away. We are Philadelphia fans and we want to win, but I think it is important to go back and see just how much fun we had watching this baseball team. Cheering for Hunter Pence, watching Halladay, Cliff Lee, the hours of excitement, the fans, the cheers, the hot dogs.

This season was fun, even for me, who really is not a devoted sports fan. I know about the Phillies from my grandsons. I get an update daily, who pitched, how the runs were scored, what the standing were. I heard a blow by blow description of each and every game. I got into it, I started watching the games on TV, cheering for Chooch, yelling for the Flying Hawaiian, it was fun, it was exciting right down to the end.

To watch a game on TV and see a sea of red cheering fans, to feel the excitement, to hoot and holler along with everyone else was a real treat. These guys are good, they are fun to watch and it is a real experience to go to that beautiful stadium and watch a game. I have Phillies fever, and I still do despite the loss. I want to focus on the big picture instead, the games played week in and week out, the excitement and the competition was awesome.
So I am sharing pictures of a birthday party planned around the Phillies back in May. Christopher's 7th birthday~ his request~ a Phillies party, with Tina's creativity at work.
It was all things Phillies and I send out a big thank you to them for a great season, no matter what!

Great Expectations

2011-10-05T15:44:00.001-04:00

It has been more than a month since I went to see my liver surgeon and he recommended surgery.

I followed his protocol, making an appointment for an ultrasound, which took two weeks to procure, followed by 5 days before he called with the results, followed by 5 days before I could get in touch with the one scheduler who schedules his surgeries. She was out of the office for 5 days (he had to know that when he told me to contact her) It was almost a week's time and still counting I may add that I am now waiting for the date for surgery. I left numerous messages, to the scheduler, to the office, to the surgeon, none of which was returned until today almost one month later. I did get one return call telling me it was a holiday and another saying the doctor has yet to return her phone calls. I felt like a crazed women and they must surely think I am.

If Cancer feeds on stress, there is plenty of it here in my body.

Today finally, after I placed two emotional phone calls last night and two this morning I heard back from the doctors' assistant. When I explained my situation she told me she would be upset too. Small consolation for this situation I am going through.

I am always very nice on the phone, no screaming, although God knows I want to, almost no crying hysterically, I have to breath before I call. I NEVER ever get a live person, just a recording promising a call back, which never happen.
I am talking about a big hospital here, it is JEFFERSON, supposedly one of the best this area has to offer. My doctors are the tops in their field. Being on top doesn't necessarily give you the right tools. I am learning that.
There is a major disconnect between the actual practice of medicine and the humanness of the patients.

My idea of health care is just that, the Doctor would help me and care about me and be there for me in some small way. He doesn't have to hold my hand, although that would be nice and show me he is human. He took me on as a patient, but I am finding I am just a number, another set of paperwork, another procedure. What happened to the kindness, the caring, the healing, the understanding?

He deals with this all the time and I would think that he would know a patient is anxious after getting testing, any kind of testing not just for Cancer. Five days or more is too many minutes, hours, days to wait to see if the Cancer spread. I would think he would realize that my days are anxious, stressful, that I want to get this out of my body, that I am relying on him for my life. I am not just another number, another file, another liver. I am a person with feelings and hopes and family, I have a job, I have a life I want to continue living.

Are my expectations too great? am I unrealistic? foolish?

I really don't think so.

This blog has been about keeping in touch with my friends, my clients, my support system, but it also is a way for me to get out of my head what is going round and round. I don't sugar coat anything in this blog, it is what is happening and how I see it and how I feel. Those of you who have followed from the beginning know that.

I needed to sit and write today. I needed to put to paper what is dancing around in my head. To lighten my load, to get it off my chest, to have your love and support because believe me, I get more from the ones who read my blog than I do from my doctors.
And that's a damn shame.

By the way, the scheduler just called, my operation is scheduled for November 3rd, 2012
(just kidding about the 2012 part)

Edgy

2011-10-02T12:01:00.001-04:00

I just read somewhere that when you are in a state of "on hold" it can make you feel edgy and in turmoil.

So that's what is wrong with me!

I have been in that state for a few weeks now.

On hold waiting for the liver surgeon to get back to me with results.
On hold as I waited for the scheduler to get back from vacation.
On hold now as I wait to schedule surgery, last week was Rosh Hashnnah, the doctors were unavailable.

I am in some sort of "learning mode" the universe is trying to teach me patience.
It is making me more impatient!

Trying to stay busy, I am leaving no room in my mind to "not think", no room for clarity, no room to listen for the answers to the questions of my soul. I realize now I am narrowly focused, making my life harder, my choices difficult, I need to step back, get a wider perspective on what is going on.

My decisions have changed daily, with me see-sawing back and forth, surgery? no surgery? Although the thought of surgery is frightening, the very thought of NOT having the surgery, letting that spot grow inside me, is even more frightening.

So I called to schedule, but once again I was on hold, it was a Jewish holiday last week and the doctors were not to be found, more waiting but hey I am getting good at this!
Hopefully someone will get back to me tomorrow as promised with some answers.

Dealing with Cancer doesn't come with an instruction video, although I think that might be a good idea. I realize that every person is different, each decisions is personal.
I need to stop, breath, clear my mind and have peace in my life.
That peace of mind will come once this spot is "OUTTA HERE" as Harry Kalas used to say!

I will continue on my healthy path, doing what is good for my body and I will have the spot removed from my liver, just as soon as I can. When I spoke to the scheduler she told me the doctors do this type of surgery only twice a month, every other Thursday and October is booked so this may not come as soon as I thought but at least I will be on the schedule and my mind will have a break from the "business" of thinking and trying to figure everything out!

One leg at a time

2011-09-28T13:51:00.000-04:00

Getting dressed this morning I realized, as I put my pants on that I had to step into them one leg at a time. I put one leg in my pants and had to pause to regain my balance before I could step into the other pant leg.

I realize that life is like this. Make a move, a decision, a step, then pause to regain my balance in life, in decisions, in feelings, in emotion, in life and then make the other move.

Only after regaining my perspective, the balance in my soul and in my heart, can I make the other move. If I don't stop to take a breath, to look at what I am doing, how it will affect me and my life, I will tumble.

We all need balance in our lives and going too fast, speeding up the process of life will not do it. We will be wobbly, uncertain, confused and make a hasty and wrong choice.

We need time and space to look at our moves, our choices, our actions, evaluate and then go on.

I am doing that right now.

It is a scary prospect, let me tell you. Sometimes I just want to move fast without thinking, go to the next step without evaluation, just on trust alone.
The trust we put, not in ourselves, but in others, people in authority, like doctors, and people that we put in charge, people that we think know better than us, we trust and we trust blindly sometimes.

I am at this point.

"You Have Cancer"

The three most frightening words anybody can hear. It puts you in a tailspin, turns your world upside down. You are faced, head on with your death.

I did what most of you would do when facing this situation, I contacted the best and most well know hospital and doctors I could, I made all my appointments and followed their every suggestion, when I questioned their methods or drugs or therapy or tests I was told, "This is the best we have at this point"
I believed them, I followed the path they set for me diligently, faithfully. They have my best interests at heart.
My feeling have not changed about that, I do think they are doing the best they can in this current "health system" we have but this pause, this break, this time I had to think while the Liver surgeon got back to me turned my mind to maybe an alternative, a different approach, a holistic approach.

I went through the drugs, the chemo twice, the nasty stuff, the radiation, the medicines that made my body sick, I still have side effects to prove it.

I want to "fix" this with less invasive measures than taking out my rectum or carving up my liver.

It is a scary decision. I want to get this right, I wish I had a crystal ball but I don't, I need to make choices based on information and gut feelings. I want to live, to survive and from what I read and hear, I can live with this.

I can't ignore it, won't go away on its on, I have to "do" something and maybe it is time to take that break between pant legs, pause, get my balance before moving on.
Is it the right decision? who knows? certainly the doctors with all their medicines and study still can't promise or guarantee anything. There are no guarantees, just mindful decisions.

So I am at the crossroads, I will give myself a few months for a "Holistic approach", alternative medicine, kinder, gentler to my body and hope for the very very best.

GRAZIE

2011-09-24T12:05:00.000-04:00

Grazie

A word that sings, a melodious sound, GRAZIE, a lilting beautiful word.

A joyful sound, GRAZIE, filled with vowels, in the Italian language you pronounce each vowel. So this word literally sings as you say it.

Grazie, a word you should say every day.

A simple THANK YOU for all your blessings, for all the little things in your life, for everything you see, hear, smell, touch, taste each and everyday. Grazie for all your blessings, Grazie, for all lessons in life, sometimes difficult or sometimes simple.

Grazie, a acknowledgement, a knowing, that we are where are suppose to be, that everything happens for a reason, a knowing that it will all work out, no matter what.
You are loved, you are blessed, you are lucky.

When things are going good in your life it is easy to be thankful. It is when things get hard, when the unexpected happens, the unbelievable occurs, something horrible happens, we lose a loved one, we get sick, we feel helpless, then it is hard to acknowledge all the positive that we still enjoy.

If you make time to be grateful each and every morning for all that you have, all the good in your life, the obvious and the small tiny things that we forget to notice~ sunshine, raindrops, smiles, comfort, friendship, family, support and laughter.

Be thankful, be aware, be grateful~Grazie.

No matter what, we all have things to be thankful for.

Make time in your life to be grateful, make space in your day to say thank you. It will change your perspective, allow you to see the good and know it will all be OK.

GRAZIE, say it daily, whisper it in your mind, feel it in your heart. It will help you through this journey we call life. It will ease the way, heal your soul. It is a magical word.

GRAZIE

Breathe

2011-09-22T13:58:00.000-04:00

OK, I finally received a call late Tuesday night after 6 PM.

My liver surgeon was on the phone all of 3 minutes.

"Your results coincide with the MRI and yes, there is a spot on your liver, right under your rib cage and it is on the surface."

ME~"OK, I want to schedule surgery, do I need an EKG? blood work? when can I have it done? what day do you do it? how long will I be in the hospital? how long will I not feel like myself?"

"You have to call the scheduler, here is her number she will take care of everything." OK

Next day bright and early I call the person who schedules the surgery, the one with the answers, guess what? she is on vacation this week UGH!!!!!!! Her message on the phone said~
"I will be out of the office Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Do not leave a message, call back Monday.

On hold once again!

My lesson is to breath right through this and cook.
Lots of food around here lately!!!!

Just another liver

2011-09-20T11:18:00.005-04:00

It is Tuesday morning and my test was last Thursday, despite several phone calls to the office I still have not heard back from my doctor or even just someone in the doctors office.

I am not sure what is going on and several scenarios are going through my head ~ is it good news so he doesn't have to call me right away? is he too busy with sicker patients then me? if I call and get mad will he not be nice to my liver when he does operate? although irrational, this is what is in my mind.

What I can say, is that I was pretty worked up yesterday and all through the weekend, today I am calmer. Why? I haven't a clue other to to say~ maybe I am not a person to him but just another liver!

I am sure he is an excellent surgeon, that is why I went there in the first place, maybe he is just not a people person, can't put himself in my place, or maybe he feels this news isn't relative to me. This test was scheduled to give him a "roadmap" of my liver so he knows where to go when he operates. Maybe the "roadmap" is none of my business, maybe maybe maybe, who knows. Since I haven't talked to him this is all speculation on my part.

So today I am choosing, after another call to the office this morning, to just breath and forget about it, can't be too serious if he hasn't called? right?

I am writing this to get my feeling out, that always helps me and now I will go and cook up a storm, when he calls~ he calls, in the meantime I'll have some good food to eat in just a while!

There should be a law

2011-09-17T11:24:00.002-04:00

This past year and a half have been full of tests, which translates to a waiting game.

It makes me anxious to say the least. Try as I might I am nervous before and after. I keep busy, I breath, I read, I do other things to keep my mind from going back over and over again to what ifs and why, along with could and should and would, running different scenarios in my head like a broken record.

The doctors that schedule these tests know I am getting them, have the results on their desk in record time, promise to call and seldom get back in a timely manner.

If I sound frustrated that is because I am.

I had an ultrasound of the liver scheduled on Thursday morning, first thing at 9AM. We left the house at 7AM, sure to get there in plenty of time, nothing to eat or drink after midnight, God only knows why, it is my liver after all. When we arrived, the first ones there, I was told, Oh no, you could have eaten ~ they made a mistake. OK no coffee for me which was not a good thing.

After waiting at least an hour, I was taken into the room. They did the test,"wait here the doctor will be right in to go over your findings" good, I thought. Half an hour of waiting the girl was back in, "sorry, the doctor was called away, can you come back at 1 o'clock?"~are you kidding me, kill 3 hours? I had a cooking class that night and did not have time to wait around.
"No problem she said, doctor will call you at 1 PM to discuss the results."

1PM came and went and so did all day the next day, still no call, still no results.

I try to stay calm, I try to stay optimistic but I do think there should be a rule, a law, a common courtesy~ people who get tests and waiting for results are on edge, it consumes you, you have a hard time thinking of anything else. A whole weekend will go by with me being crabby, grumpy, teary, and short tempered and not sleeping particularly well. Not the way I want to feel.

There should be a law! Doctors, try to put yourself in our place, to you it is routine, to us it is our lives.

Sorry ~had to get that off my chest!!!!!

Clutter

2011-09-07T13:46:00.000-04:00

When you hear the word clutter you immediately think of piles of stuff stashed in corners, on chairs and exercise equipment and in closets. Stuff hidden away, no longer in use but hard to give up.

The thought of "you may need it someday" is ever present.

As this past week brought rains and cooler temperatures I decided to declutter my house.

I started one room, one pile at a time.
I went through closets and drawers. I thinned out my clothes, my dishes, my old pots and pans, I cleaned out my fridge and kitchen cabinets.
I hauled trash bags up from the basement and down from the attic.
I organized and took stock, realizing that I have a lot more stuff than I could ever imagine.

Along the way, while my hands and body were busy my mind was a busy cluttered place too.

I had one of those "off" days yesterday when everyone I met was in my way. I was annoyed by the slightest little things, a car pulling in front of me, an elderly lady driving a car that could not back up, a phone call that made no sense, I was inpatient and grumpy. I was short tempered and mad. At everyone including myself.

All sorts of thoughts have been creeping in my mind and this morning as I sat in the quiet darkness I realized that I needed to declutter my mind, my head, my thoughts.

I needed to get rid of the words that float through my consciousness that do not serve me.
The messages I send myself that do me no good.
It was time to clean out the closet of my heart, mind and soul.

This is tougher than it sounds. When you do a physical cleanup, you take out the trash, put it by the curb and it disappears. Your mind has a tendency to let bad and unsettling thoughts back in! I want to put them in a trash bag and take them to the curb with my unwanted stuff!

Even with the best intentions an off day can be just that. Each and every circumstance I was in yesterday brought me turmoil. I was aware of it and tried my best to turn it around, to think of something good, something useful. At the end of the day I realized that although I fended off most of the bad feelings~ I was still not myself and everybody had better watch out! what did I do? I went to bed at 8:30 hoping that when I woke up I would be back to my old cheery self.
It worked, sort of.

I woke up to a new day, a fresh start but I still needed to declutter my mind, get rid of those thoughts that were bringing me down.
I sat in silence, concentrating on my breathing and nothing else. If my mind wandered I listened to the sounds of the trees, the patter of the rain drops, trying to empty my mind, clear my head and feel good again.

We all have these days, the times when nothing seems right, when everything bothers you, when you feel down and gloomy.

It is OK because as we know, not everyday will be perfect.

Realizing this is half the battle. Give yourself some time each day to take out your mental garbage.

Lighten your load, take a deep breath and let all the bad out with the air!
Change your thoughts~one corner of your mind at a time. You will feel lighter, happier and soon you will be smiling, I hope!

What I know for sure!~ maybe!

2011-09-04T15:29:00.000-04:00

I can wish it away, I can meditate it away, I can ignore it, but it always sneaks into my consciousness. Stress, that dramatic, nagging, good for nothing feeling of stress.

Two weeks worth of doctors visits and tests and more tests. Waking up at 3 AM, eyes wide open, heart beating fast, wondering what the heck is going on. Breathing my way to a peaceful place each and every chance I get.

Friday was my last follow up. I can now let out a sigh of relief.

A visit with the colon surgeon was everything I expected and more. (Remind me to pick a colon surgeon with small hands next time! he has hands like a catcher's mitt!) He did manage to sit and talk to me before and after his extensive exam, but the man wants to cut. He actually said "I am a surgeon, that is what I do."
As he was looking feeling and probing, he kept saying "Susan, you are a problem"

My problem being that there was nothing there, nothing to see, nothing to feel and let me tell you, it was not from NOT TRYING! He was on a treasure hunt! (sorry~ humor helps me!)

When all was said and done and I was upright again, he said "I can take out your rectum" WHAT!!!???

First time I heard that, before it was just a piece of my colon, now he wants the whole sha-bang! For the life of me I can't understand why he would want to do that and I asked him point blank." I want to be aggressive, you are young, you are healthy and you responded wonderful to chemo, this would be an aggressive approach."
When asked if it were his wife instead of me, he said he would do the same thing but "boy would she be mad if the pathology report can back negative."

I'd bet she would be! So would I!!!!

I was so flustered when I left I forgot to ask him if he would replace my rectum with a new model, or don't I need one or what!?!!?

My other option would be just to keep an eye out, meaning coming back for tests every 3 to 4 months, which is what I have to do anyway for the rest of my life. He doesn't suggest a biopsy to confirm if there is Cancer there, he wouldn't know what to biopsy because he can't see anything there anymore.

My next visit was to the liver surgeon. He was a little more direct in outlining my choices and there was no exam so I wasn't so stressed.

Once again, he gave me choices. Let both liver & colon be and just keep an eye out, go in a take out the spots on the liver or have the major operation with both surgeons there at the same time to take their turn. He defended taking out my rectum, stating that it is the most direct and aggressive approach I can take. Although he agreed that it is major surgery with risks involved and a colostomy, which may or may not be reversible. (What fun!)
He told me to enjoy my holiday weekend. Yea, bring on the vodka and cranberry!

If I decide to take care of the spot on my liver I need to get an ultrasound to give him a map of my liver, this will determine how he goes in, whether lapriscopically or with a larger incision.

Although, they both suggested I take my time in making my decision, before I left the office I knew what I wanted to do. I go with my gut (is that a pun or what?)

I feel great, I feel like myself, I have my energy, my ambition, my enthusiasm for life is in full swing. I feel too good to be sick.
So I am going with just the liver, door number one please.
In two weeks I will go for the ultrasound of the liver, my operation will be minor instead of major. I will be back on my feet in days not months. I feel at peace with my choice.

I am living my life one moment at a time. One glorious day at a time. Enjoying every second, every task, every smile. I savor and relish my home, my friendships, my family, my cooking, my work. I love my life. I am optimistic always, this is a good thing!

Thank you for all the wishes and thoughts and prayers.You are on this journey with me and I am so happy I am not alone.

The Earth is Trembling!!!

2011-08-23T19:59:00.000-04:00

Center city Philadelphia is not the place to be when an earthquake decides to roll through.

I had my appointment with my oncologist today. Not sure which was more earth shattering, the quake or my news!

I woke up slightly agitated this morning. I didn't have to wonder why.

I was headed down to Jeff to meet with my doctor. This wonderful man made it a point to call me after each and every test last week to read my results over the phone and try to make sense of all the numbers and gibberish that I didn't quite understand. Today I was meeting him face to face. I have not met with either surgeon yet, as they called to reschedule my appointments until next week. I won't have the full picture until then.

As we were leaving the house I checked myself in the mirror and the white of my one eye was completely red with streaks of blood, it still is. When I had my pressure taken, it was much higher than normal. I usually have a very low blood pressure number and the doctor attributed it to my nervousness,"white-coat anxiety", that will give you an idea of my anxiety level~"red alert!"

I made my rounds through the infusion floor, hugging all my chemo nurses and saying hello to everyone I know. "You look great" "Love your hair!" Everyone was so sweet.
My doctor came in and sat down, I love that about him. He is there until I stop asking questions, his focus of attention is on me. Which I really appreciate.

We went over each and every test, he gave me a copy of everything and we went step by step.

While there is an increase in the spot on my liver, he takes the reports as good news. The Cancer did NOT spread! There are no new spots or tumors. He made several points: my blood work is all normal, even my CEA which is a big factor was till the same, I feel good, actually I feel so good it is very hard to believe this is still in my body.

I look good, I am told this over and over again (Thank You).

He told me we have to look at the whole picture and treat each symptom individually. So I will meet with my liver surgeon next Friday and decide the course of action about the liver.

The PT/CAT scans showed an increase of activity where the tumor was in the colon so I will meet with the colon surgeon on Wednesday and have an exam (can't wait) and we will make a decision about that too.

Although I am still up in the air about all of this, I came home feeling optimistic.

He told me I am an informed patient, a good patient, a sophisticated patient. I am keeping an eye (granted a bloodshot one) on my health and tests, gathering all the information and making informed decisions. He feels positively and consequently so do I.

So we left with optimism, amidst an earthquake.

I will meet with both surgeons next week and then decide on a course of action. It can be wait and see attitude as well as a more aggressive attitude.

One thing he did tell me today when I asked him point blank~"Am I being stupid?" is that he can tell that keeping my life as normal as possible will have the best effect on this disease. He knows my work, my classes, my trips are important to me and he reiterated this over and over, saying we will work around you, keep doing what you are doing, it serves me well.

That is the best news I heard all day!

Uncertainty

2011-08-18T09:45:00.001-04:00

This week is an emotional roller coaster ride.

Tests, needles, radioactive dye shot into my veins for two days, thoughts that I try to keep at bay, emotions that I try to keep under control, tears that I close my eyes tightly against. I am trying my best to push it all away, not think about it, not think too far ahead, trying to enjoy just the moments, trying to breath through the fear.

I woke up early to write, that always helps me clear my mind. Today it brought things into focus.

I sat by my window as a storm raged outside, thunder and lightening and heavy rains were my companions as I scribbled on my pad of paper. I sat in stillness and let the rain wash away my thoughts, clear my head, open my heart, loosen the tightness lodging there. It is a temporary fix I know.

My oncologist has a heart. He knows I've been getting my tests, he knows my appointment with him and the other doctors is not until next week, he knows the anxiety and stress these scans produce. He calls me everyday with results, so I don't have to wait in silence.

"The blood work is normal" he tells me, nothing is elevated, all my numbers are good. A big sigh of relief on my part.

"The next day brought unwanted news from the MRI. "The spot on your liver has tripled in size" he tells me. Once the size of a dime it is now a silver dollar. Funny, but on my desk, right in front of me is a very old silver dollar, edges worn smooth, the face almost gone, minted in 1885, it is a silver dollar that my father carried with him since he came to America in 1953. I remember it as a child, always in his pocket, a good luck piece, to remind him that he was always wealthy no matter what. My mom gave it to me a few years ago and it sits on my desk, front and center. I look at the silver dollar and now know the size of that spot on my liver.

Yesterday was the PT/CAT scan, today at some point I know the doctor will call.

My stomach is in knots, no matter how hard I try to calm myself down, make light of it or wish it away.

Did I expect good news with Cancer? did I expect a miracle? My answer to that is YES, I did. Why would I expect the worst, think bad thoughts? It is not in my nature and does not serve me well, and so my optimism was up, my hopes high. At this point I don't have the whole picture yet and when I do I will go from there. I know that worry never served a good purpose, doesn't change a thing and does me no good. I will gather all the info and make decisions then. I will go on with my life, make plans, make love, make food.

As a matter of fact that sounds like a good plan to me.

“Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude.” ~Denis Waitley

A Meditation of Beets

2011-08-11T15:49:00.004-04:00

My anxiety level was high, for a number of reasons, although I have been successfully denying this disease that I carry in my body it is time to take the "TESTS."

I have been off chemo for the summer. I decided to wait to have any operations, I made a deal with the doctors that I would return at the end of the summer, end of July is what they said, to take the tests.

Here it is the middle of August and I have an appointment almost every other day for something or other. So stress level is on "High Alert" as they say at the airport!

A few things, minor things put me over the edge today and here I was shaking and near tears, I need to calm myself down, distance myself from the drama that everyday life provides and quiet all those crazy voices in my heart and in my head.

It was too early for a vodka and cranberry, so I thought I would go sit in my voodoo room to try to get myself in a better place. I thought if that didn't work, I always can try the vodka.

The only problem was the beets.

I needed to roast a mountain of beets.

So instead of going up to my room, I went into the kitchen. I piled the tiny ruby beets on my counter, took out a variety of peelers, a knife and a cutting board.

I started peeling, on about the 4th or 5th beet I realized I was gripping the peeler and scraping the skins so viciously off the beets, it was as if the skin was 2 inches thick. My shoulders were crunched near my ears, my heart was still beating fast and my head was full of crazy nonsense, one thought after another circulating like buzzards on road kill.

I took a few deep breaths and concentrated on the beets, actually the beet in my hand, I dropped my shoulders consciously and watched myself peel, I slowed myself down, I looked at the shape of the beet, the way if I relaxed my grip, how easier it became to peel them. I looked at the beautiful beet red colors, sometimes rainbows with a white whirl, like a candy cane. I diced them carefully and methodically, holding each one like a precious globe.

I was in the moment. The moment of beets!

My heart slowed, my mind was filled with how to peel the beets. I realized that I made a meditation of this simple act. By paying attention to only what I was doing, bringing my thoughts to the color, texture and feel of my act, I had released the anxiety and calmed down enough to come up to my desk and write this blog.

I haven't written in a while and that is because the words wouldn't come. I tried several times to write a blog and it just wasn't happening.

No matter how much I try to push this away, these next few weeks will be very stressful.

Maybe I'll eat a lot of roasted beets!
Along with a vodka and cranberry with lime!!!

The New Me

2011-07-20T16:44:00.002-04:00

Although getting chemo regularly was very difficult, one of the hardest things for me to go through was losing my hair.

No matter how you look at it, the constant thinning, the handfuls of hair on the floor, in the sink, on the shower floor was just awful. Waking up with fuzz just sticking out all over was devastating, trying to get the unruly frizz under control was impossible, my hair was different, at some points my hair was non-existent or resembled a bird's nest!

I used mousse, shampoo for frizz, olive oil, at one point even Vaseline didn't control the ends. I had headbands, hats, scarves, clips, bobbie pins~anything I could think of to tame and control my hair.

Those of you who knew me before Cancer know that I had one helluva head of curly, thick, beautiful hair. I never took my hair for granted but loved the fact that it was carefree, with curls I didn't need to even pay attention to.
Rainy days were my friend, I loved my hair!

As I progressed further into my treatment, my hair lost it's luster, it's curl, it's bounce, it became stringy and frizzy.
Waking up in the morning was a scary experience, I would look in the mirror and see my hair standing on edge like I saw a ghost.

These past few months, my hair is starting to gradually come back, but mixed in with the new growth are the kinky, frizzy hair of chemo.
I was holding on for dear life, afraid to cut it. I haven't had short hair since I was in my 20's~ a long time ago.

This morning I had enough, I wanted to stop patting down my hair, hiding from the mirror, I wanted to look stylish, If I couldn't have my luxurious long curls, I was determined to at least look the best I could.
And so I did it, I went and had all those long stringy ends clipped off, shorter than I have EVER had my hair!! With the promise of new growth and strong hair coming in I made a choice and I am happy with the result.

I am a different person this year, Cancer changed me in so many ways. I am living more in the moment, I am conscious of my happiness in life and doing what I want to do. I am optimistic about my future but not worried because I realize worry does nothing to help any situation. I am letting go and giving myself breathing space to be me, to be happy, to live my life now, with my short hair too!
Hope you like the new me!

Time

2011-07-17T13:07:00.000-04:00

Summer is a place for time, I seem to have more time in summer to think, to plan, to create, to read and be inspired.

It is a slower time, a quieter time, to be able to reflect on my life, my dreams, my future.

If I go away anywhere at all, one of the first things I pack is a legal size pad of paper and some pens. I write, everyday. I scribble in the corners, I doodle, I tear out pages from magazines, I write down websites that I want to check out, I write down ideas that come flashing across my mind. I am inspired by whatever I see and hear. Sometimes I will just close my eyes and concentrate on just sounds. Layers of sounds, birds singing, lawn mowers raging, cars starting, planes overhead, the buzzing of air conditioners, the breeze whispering through the tress, the voices of children, the tinkle of the ice cream truck, sounds, all at once surround us everyday.

I let my mind wander to places I have been or want to go, to things I want to accomplish and dreams I have.

Time gives me that gift.

The gift of daydreams, wishes, prayers and thoughts that float free. I love the summer for the quiet, the slower life style, the time to breath and slow down.

Make time for yourself, each and everyday. Realize that this is your life, live it now, don't put it on hold. Take time for you.
Daydream, breath, sit in stillness.

Sitting on my shoulder

2011-07-07T12:24:00.000-04:00

I've been off chemo treatments since early Spring when I decided to wait to have any operations or further testing. I needed a break, I needed to feel like myself again before I could go on. It has almost been four months, I've tried to stay busy during this time, doing cooking classes and demos and working as much as I could.

I was determined to live my life now, not put anything on hold, no more waiting, putting off, holding my breath.

These past few weeks I can truly say I've been feeling like me, most of the symptoms are gone, just a few remaining, numbness in my feet and toes, still some burning, believe it or not from the radiation I received last year. I still get tired rather easily and my strength is not what it use to be but all in all I feel great. Clint tells me everyday how good I look, bless his heart, and I've gained back the weight I lost (oh darn!)

Without the weekly doctors visits and testing I almost feel like I don't have Cancer. I've kept busy and tried to regain my life back, it is so easy to think that this was all a bad dream, that I am cured, that this is all behind me. I want to think and believe that but during the quiet times, standing in the shower, when my head touches my pillow at night, when I first wake up, the Cancer comes back. It is sitting on my shoulder, hiding in the closet, waiting, watching, ready to pounce.

One phone call can bring Cancer to the forefront, a call from the oncologist reminding me about my appointments, a letter coming in the mail containing all the scripts for my PT/CT scan, Liver MRI, Blood work which will be scheduled in August. A call to schedule my doctors' visits, this reminds me that no, this is not over.

As much as I wish it was.

Cancer sits on my shoulder, mocking me, threatening me, scaring me to death.

I feel too good to be sick, to have Cancer. I go back to my original thought "I am too healthy!!! ~you have the WRONG person!!"

I do realize that my life is changed forever, that I will be followed by these thoughts no matter how far I push them from my mind, they are always creeping in, reminding me of my mortality, the frailness of life.

"Live in the Moment"~ so here I am in my moment of fear but this will pass and I will go on smiling and happy and worry about it tomorrow or the next day, just like Scarlet O'Hara in Gone with the Wind!

Magic

2011-06-29T07:52:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning and thought to myself "Make room for the Magic today"

We plan and make out lists of things we have to do on a daily basis and sometimes longer. We leave no empty space, no line in our calender left blank. We fill in our time minute to minute. There is no room for serendipity, for magic, for happenstance.

Our lives are filled to the brim, overflowing, stuffed to the gills.

Today make room for the magic, take a few moments today for nothing, for space, for a breath, for a chance to look around you and take it all in.

I think that is why I love the early morning so. The day is just beginning and all is quiet. I can hear the birds singing, I can see the sun filtering through the trees, I can breath in the anticipation of a new day. It is quiet time, sacred time, before the whirlwind of things to do takes over.

I am trying everyday to make time during my day to take a moment to look around, to be present in what I am doing, hopefully nothing, even if just for a few minutes.

As I stepped out of the shower last night I realized I just spent those minutes with thoughts just whirling around my head like the spin cycle of a washing machine. I gave no thought to the water cascading over my head and down my back, I lost that chance to just relax into the feeling, the sensation. Just random thoughts, nonsensical phrases swirling around in my head, taking away the moment of magic.

We spend our lives and thoughts in the past or the future, came back to now. Leave space in your day for a daydream.

At the end of each day I am always surprised at how fast the time went by. I think "where did the day go?" Life is like that, we are so busy doing things that life can pass us by, time gone before we even realize it. Make your life precious, make time for the space of nothingness, the appreciation of the fresh air, the sounds all around you, breath in and take that breath with you down to your toes and make time for the magic today.

Today is a gift, a present for you. Notice it, enjoy it, take time just for you today.

The Allure of Pizza

2011-06-28T10:57:00.001-04:00

A common food available on every street corner, pizza is a family friendly and favorite food.

Friday nights in any Italian neighborhood you can find pizza, tomato pie, white pie or several variations as a gathering point for families.

Growing up in West Philadelphia, on a Friday night, in a row home basement bakery, people would gather and wait for the steaming pies to come out of the ovens. They took home their pies wrapped in brown paper and tied with a length of twine. The aroma of that crusty dough rising and baking would fill the air. You always knew it was Friday by the scent of tomato and melted cheese.

Lately the allure of actually owning a wood fired pizza oven is very real. You can buy pizza stones, pizza peels, 000 flour to make the dough, just about any gadget to make that dream a reality.

This enormous interest in Pizza has sparked some very different and delicious toppings, anything from oven roasted vegetables to a drizzle of fig jam or a blessing of balsamic glaze, pizza comes in all flavors.

On a trip to Abruzzi, the ancestral home of my father, we went visiting cousins and paesano. We sat around tables laden with homemade pasta, freshly roasted chickens, porchette, redolent with the aromas of rosemary and garlic, but my favorite meal of all time remains the 10 different types of pizza made in a cellar pizza oven, eaten and enjoyed around a 15 foot farm table with homemade wines as centerpieces, instead of candles or flowers.

Luigi and Lorella live in a home built by their sons, surrounded by fields of grapevines and olive trees, tomato plants and the rolling vistas of the mountians of Abruzzi.

"Come for pizza"a simple dinner she said, 8 o'clock. We arrived hungry and with anticipation, Lorella is a fabulous cook using all the fresh ingredients surrounding her home.

Down the marble steps to the cellar, we gathered around the pizza oven as she, with the helping hand of Rina, her son's fiance' stretched out the dough, roasted the vegetables, broke up the pieces of cheese and tore the fresh basil into pieces. The sound of Beach Boys echoed through out the house, they wanted us to feel at home, American music playing just for us.

The toppings were unforgettable, whole gamberetti, still with their eyes staring at us, vegetables kissed by the heat of the oven, growing in the garden just that morning, cheese made from the sheep and cows that roamed their land, sausages and prosciutto cured that past winter, sliced thin and laid gently on the cooked pies.

We couldn't have dreamed for a more luscious and satisfying meal. Homemade wines, chilled, in colored bottles lined the long tables as pie after pie came out of that burning oven. It is a meal I will never forget.

I thought many times of recreating, as best I could that memory of pizza. I have to say I am daunted by pizza, the throwing of the dough, stretching it to a perfect circle, crisp not soggy, light yet flavorful. But as with anything I am reticent about I jump in with two feet, in this case two hands!
I was determined to make pizza!

Not having the resources of owning a pizza oven, I took my ideas to the grill. The best way for me to learn how to make a fabulous pie was to teach a cooking class, this way I would be forced to create, think and do.
I scoured cookbooks, talked to my son Dominick, his favorite food of all time to eat and to make is pizza, he and his wife Carrie, along with my parents, were with us at the wonderful feast prepared by Lorella.

"A Taste of Summer" my cooking class advertised. Farm fresh foods, light, colorful~ a perfect summer meal.
On the Sunday before class Clint and I stopped at the roadside farmers markets that line Jerseys` back roads. There I found inspiration and farm fresh produce.

Bright green string beans, long yellow wax beans, fat peppery radishes, thick cucumbers, a colorful array of peppers, a big round watermelon was tucked in my backseat, startlingly white button mushrooms, woodsy Shitake and Crimini mushrooms purchased earlier in the week at a local farmers market rounded out my ingredients, I had an assortment of savory cheese, Pecorino, fresh Buffalo Mozzarella, a smoked Gouda, grated Locatelli. I made a saute pan full of golden garlic cloves swimming in olive oil, I cooked down huge Vadalia onions, slowly in Amish sweet butter until all that remained was a paste so good you could eat it with a spoon. I chopped baby arugula, made a balsamic glaze with a touch of honey to temper the sharp vinegar taste, cooked some broccoli rabe with red pepper flakes keeping the bitterness intact, I sliced yellow plum tomatoes, chopped artichoke hearts swimming in olive oil, I was ready!

The trick to doing pizza on the grill is to BE READY, have everything at arms length ready to go. If you look away you will have a blackened crust in no time flat.

My cooking class included some flavorful and light salads, Watermelon with Feta and shredded Mint, Yellow and Green Bean Salad with thinly sliced radishes and chopped grape tomatoes, a Greek inspired Cucumber Salad with speckles of dill, Roasted Red and Yellow Peppers floating in extra virgin olive oil with shreds of Italian parsley, a Pasta Salad made with yellow and red tiny tomatoes that rested in a bath of olive oil, basil, coarse salt and freshly cracked pepper for most of the day producing a juicy dressing that coated the pasta with the bright flavors of summer. I made a marinated, Grilled Spicy Skewered Shrimp that was accompanied by a Cantaloupe and Honeydew Salsa.

I also made a variety of Panini, stuffed with imported Capicola, arugula and tomato, fresh baby spinach and ricotta cheese, oven roasted pork sprinkled with rosemary and garlic, sliced thin and served with bitter broccoli and sharp provolone cheese, a Ciabatta roll brushed with basil pesto and filled with oven roasted vegetables, white baby eggplant, peppers, mushrooms and charred thin asparagus.

The star of the show was the pizza, blistered and hot with an array of toppings, they came off the grill in minutes to a waiting crowd. Slipped onto a big wooden pasta board and sliced with a pizza wheel, everyone gathered around to oh and ah, sipping wine under the stars twinkling through my big backyard tree.

My night in Italy was recreated! The pizza was perfect, the crowd happy and as I stood by the grill cooking 15 pizza pies to the laughter and encouragement of all whom came to my class, I thought to myself "Does it get better than this???"

Taking out the trash

2011-06-21T19:39:00.000-04:00

Our neighborhood borough has just started picking up trash two days a week. I am thrilled~I love trash day. I get up extra early and go through my house like a mad women, tossing out anything in sight. I open my fridge and clean every nook and cranny, it is heaven to me to"Clean Up".

As I was dragging a trash bag around early this morning I thought to myself, why don't I use this analogy in my life too.

Throw away what doesn't work, get rid of bad thoughts like I take out the trash: uneasiness, fear, anger, stress, sadness, uncertainty, discord, put it all in a big bag and let it go.

If I clean the corners of my mind daily think of how good I will feel!

Holding on to the feelings and presence that bring uncomfortable feelings does our body no good at all.

Search your heart and soul, discard whatever doesn't feel good. The same with the people in your life who drain you, limit you, diminish your heart and soul, throw them out with the trash! Clean your life up. Take the junk drawer and empty it on the table, put back only emotions that serve you well, that increase your happiness, that allow you to grow in a good and positive way.

Our daily life mirrors our thoughts and feelings, get rid of what does not serve you, take out the trash and fell light as a feather, free as a bird!

Dining under the Stars

2011-06-18T12:36:00.002-04:00

CLINT MADE THIS BIRDHOUSE OUT OF VA LA WINE BOX

With as much excitement as sitting in the front row of a Broadway musical, the anticipation for the "Hands On Cooking Class" started a few weeks back when I realized I would be able to offer delectable, delicious, full bodied wines which each course. Va La winery in Avondale provided 3 intoxicating wines to pair with the abundant foods we would be creating that evening.

~La Prima Donna, their premier White, An elegant name suited for this exceptional golden wine.
~Silk, This brick colored, dry Rosato type wine, served chilled goes down as smooth as the name implies.
~Cinderbox, a rustic, full body wine, decanted for a perfect robust yet soft taste.

Taking a few hours each morning I crafted the recipes and planned the dinner. It had a Italian flair, an accent from the hills of Italy. I love to cook food from The Motherland, as Clint calls it.

I woke up early to start the prep work for this exciting class. It would be a cool day with all the windows open and a steady breeze blowing through the kitchen.

Bamboo cutting boards, sharp knives, wooden paddles, stainless steel bowls crowded the work tables.
I set out the raw ingredients at each place, laying measuring spoons and cups alongside sea salt and extra virgin Olive oil.
The white wine La Prima Donna, a wine so crisp and flavorful it is hard to stop drinking, lay flat, cooling along side Silk, a lighter red wine, in the fridge, nestled among bowls of shrimp and platters of prosciutto and sharp cheese. I opened and decanted the rich Cinderbox Red, arranging the bottles soldier-like on the antique carpenters bench, laden with crostini and bruschetta to nibble as we cooked.

A stack of aprons neatly folded alongside dishtowel and printed recipes sit waiting for the class to arrive.

A cool evening filled with the promise of rich wines and sauteing garlic awaits us.

Recipes at the ready, my guests stream in excited to begin this culinary adventure. I take them for a tour of the kitchen, introduce the wines and foods we will prepare and the evening begins with excitement and anticipation.

We dice and slice and saute our way through laughter. There is a camaraderie here. We are cooking together, sharing this experience, I look around and feel truly happy, my home is filled with people who appreciate and love good food and wine. We are cooking together and having fun.

Each station holds husbands and wives, mothers and daughters, childhood friends, brothers and sisters, cooking together, laughing and sharing the one thing that always brings us together~food and wine.

We cook a Summer Crab and Corn Chowder, with corn sheared from the cob and succulent jumbo crab meat floating in a sea of coarsely chopped vegetables, ribbons of linguine coated in a Blush Vodka Sauce swimming with garlic laced shrimp, flattened Baby Potatoes sprinkle with a glitter of sea salt and browned in extra virgin olive oil, bright green String Beans tossed with golden strips of prosciutto and caramelized golden shallots, a refreshing Arugula Salad with shaved sharp cheese in a light vinaigrette, oven-roasted Shitake Mushrooms, so good I can eat them like candy, a tuna and Olive Tapenade, made with tuna packed in shimmering olive oil and juicy fat olives, a Herb Encrusted Pork Loin rolled in seasoned breadcrumbs, roasted to perfection, Zucchini Coins bathed in a light tomato sauce and crowned with a golden crust of locatelli cheese, glistening Roasted Yellow and Red Peppers blackened by fire and peeled and bathed in olive oil, topped with crusty Italian bread crumbs, Cipolline,the tiny onions swimming in a agrodolce syrup, Fettunta,with the sharp taste of arugula and Parmesan cheese, spread on toasted peasant bread, fried Italian long peppers with globes of whole garlic cooked in and gathering the hot smoky taste of the peppers, and finally the curtain call ~ a Raspberry Chantilly Mousse studded with fresh raspberries and laced with berry liqueur.

We cooked into the darkness of the evening, laughing, sharing, learning and sipping that wonderful wine.
We gathered around the 10 foot long table to eat and enjoy the fruits of our labor, friends together with a feast before us that we will likely never forget.

The magic of simple delicious foods and perfectly paired wines on a perfect starry night, a memory to keep and savor.

Take a moment

2011-06-14T06:47:00.000-04:00

Days filled with appointments, chores, work, busy-ness, thoughts swirling around in our heads, emotions filling our hearts, perceived threat, assumptions of dread ... these are the things that make up most of our daily lives.

I am asking you to take a moment in your day

~to listen to the sounds outside your own head
~to breath deeply, down to your toes
~to notice how you really feel
~to pay attention to the sensations your body is feeling right now
~to really taste your food
~to use each of your senses, one at a time~fully
~to let assumption go with the wind, they are probably wrong anyway
~to let go of guilt and regret
~to live in this very minute
~to appreciate what you have
~to not want or need
~to forget about shoulds, coulds and woulds
~to let your shoulders go down and back
~to stand up straight, like you are carrying a basket on your head filled with eggs
~to notice where you are and why
~to smile
~to just listen to every single sound
~to offer a prayer of thanks
~to think of someone with love
~to know that you are where you are suppose to be
~to know that it will all be all right
~to love yourself as you are
~ to feel what is touching you, a pillow, a chair, your car seat, feel it
~to daydream

I can go on and on but today~

Take a moment just for you.

Inspiration

2011-06-13T07:39:00.000-04:00

I look for it everywhere. In the books and articles I read, in the music I listen to, in my backyard, in other people's faces.
I want to be inspired to do better, to live a happy life, to make contributions to life in general.
I want to grow, I want to learn, I want to think of new ways to find peace and joy in my life.

Sometimes I feel stuck in a situation, not knowing which way to turn. Can I look at this differently? Can I learn from it?

I subscribe to online newsletters that sometimes spark a thought or idea in me. I have a collection of books that I love and go back to reread to give me encouragement.

Sometimes I think I am just sailing through life without a purpose and I want to make a change.

You can't get there if you don't know what you want. That is the big question isn't it? knowing what it is you want. Not just wandering aimlessly through life without direction, just going about your day with the to-do lists.

I want to create, I want to write, I want to inspire, I want to make a difference, but I also want peace in my life, I want calm, to be able to handle all situations with perspective.
How does that happen? day by day, minute by minute.

This weekend I found inspiration wandering through a local farmer's market with my mom.
I picked her up early Saturday morning, cloth shopping bags tucked under our arms as we wandered through the white tented tables laden with locally grown produce.

With money stuffed in my pockets I bought what caught my eye. Recipes and menu were not in my head, just the lure of beautiful, bright green shelled peas, brown woodsy mushrooms, a big loaf of Italian bread dusted with flour, a bundle of french tarragon, milky white Burrata cheese swimming in whey, sweet butter hand crafted by the Amish, tiny, beautiful bright yellow and red grape tomatoes, the scent of garden grown basil, sweet cherries, blushing blueberries. This tickled my senses, aroused my appetite, stirred my ambitious soul to cook.
With arms full of packages, we wandered back to the car, excited to be busy in the kitchen whipping up a meal fit for a king.

I came home ready to cook, to create whatever came to mind.

I laid out my purchases, wooden spoon and copper pots flying, I roasted peppers, made a blueberry cobbler, sauteed the mushrooms and peas with at touch of onion, garlic and sweet butter. I bathed the baby yellow and red tomatoes in olive oil and basil, toasted the airy bread and spread it with the creamy Burrata cheese. Oven roasted beets, sweet potatoes emerged on parchment lined baking sheets.

We had a feast to enjoy, inspiration found from a walk through the farmers market.

Look around you~inspiration is everywhere. In the whistle of the cool breeze, in the lyrics of a song, the pages of a book, a smile of the face of a stranger. Try something new, take a class, read a book, leaf through a magazine, talk to a neighbor. Take a deep breath and enjoy your day. It is a page in your life.
It is a gift just for you.

My daughter is a BLOCKHEAD!

2011-06-09T07:36:00.001-04:00

I'm not calling her a bad name, it is something she had blinged in SWAROVSKI CRYSTALS all over her tight black T Shirt when she went to see "The New Kids On the Block" this past weekend.

I can relate to this hysteria. I am, after all a child of the 60's and 70"s when the Beatles and Rolling Stones ruled the airwaves. I know what it's like to sit 6 inches from the TV set as the Beatles made their debut on the Ed Sullivan show!
I requested a Beatles album every year for Christmas, no Ipods then. I, too taped pictures of my fab four all over my room and sang along to "Help" "Do you wanna know a secret" "Love, Love me do"~I knew each and every word that passed their lips!

Tina is 32 years old and has been a NKOTB fan since she was 8 years old and I brought her to her first concert with a group of screaming friends. She is a Jordon Girl, loves Jordon Knight, as she says but loves the Wahlberg brothers too.
She has gone to countless concerts and screamed and sang her heart out.

There is something new now, it is called "MEET and GREET".
The ticket is substantially more but it includes a few very desirable perks.
A guaranteed seat in the first few rows, a goodie bag, a dinner and snack buffet with drinks (the fan base has grown older with the band) and most importantly a few minutes with the guys!

In groups of 10, with body guards hovering and big lens camera and video banned, she is ushered into a private curtained off room with the NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK just finger tips away. She gets to touch, kiss on the cheek (if she is lucky) take pictures with these very successful and well built men!
Their fans, once teenagers have grown with them, most in their 30's now.

Over the course of the last few years she has gone to several MEET and GREETS.

Tina is nothing but smart and she has her own "Bling" business. Her Twitter name is" I love Sparkle"
She custom designs T~shirt, tote bags, and a myriad of other items, hand placing each crystal to "BLING OUT" so that you can't help but look at the shiny in-your-face design.

She is like her mother in that she loves to do something nice for someone. So she made 2 different baseball caps for Donnie Wahlberg.
He is known for his love of "Bling" and his love of sports, she combined the two and WOW was she in for a surprise!
As she was ushered into the room she was handing the bodyguard the hats (a rule for anyone bringing presents) and Donnie saw what she had in her hand, he flew over to her side, grabbing her arm, asking if she made the hat, pulling her to the front of the group and loving those hats! showing everyone in the group what she made for him.
One ~a Phillies hat blinged with red and white SWAROVSKI CRYSTALS "I am wearing this tonight " he says! The other hat~ a Boston Red Sox hat"~ I am wearing this at the Fenway Park Concert" he says!
She felt she died and went to heaven! She told him she was nervous~"don't be nervous baby" and kissed her softly on the cheek!!! (she hasn't washed her face since).
During the concert she sat in the second row and sang her heart out, a teenager once again!

True to his word, in front of thousands of screaming fans, with her seated in the second row where he looked over at her during the concert. He comes out singing the encore with her Phillies hat on! Screaming fans as he shout "PHILADELPHIA!!!" and points to the hat!

This is the equivalent of getting a kiss from John, Paul, George or Ringo!!!

A collection

2011-06-04T21:14:00.001-04:00

I bless this day.

This is what I say to myself when I open my eyes in the morning and as I lay my head on the pillow at night.

Life is a collection, of years, months, days, minutes, seconds. Each and every moment is part of your whole life.

I start each early morning expecting a wonderful day, no matter what, I know in my heart it will be OK. I give thanks for a new day, a new beginning, a fresh start. A new day to enjoy and learn and be kind and be at peace. These are the things I think of when I open my eyes.

What is important today? that I get everything done that I need to? ~ yes but that's not all, I want to enjoy the day, have fun, feel and be loved. I want to make a difference in the world, a small difference maybe even just a smile instead of a grumpy thought, a compliment to someone not expecting it, a phone to a friend, time outside each day~ no matter what the weather.

I want to enjoy each day and be grateful for what I have and what I do.
I want to notice my life. I want to pay attention to what I pay attention to, what is important to me? I want to take moments and just let the stress and tightness of the day melt from my body.

Try it~ wherever you are just~ stop... and start to relax each part of your body. Your shoulders go down, your jaw unclench, you back loosens up, you legs and feet feel heavy, you let all thought run out of your body, melt away. Try to do it a few times a day. Pause from the normal busy life and give your self a few minutes break. It is wonderful.

At the end of each day as I take my shower and get ready for bed, the thoughts of my day are running through my mind. I am thankful for each and every thing. I try to learn from my mistakes and I am grateful for all the people that came into my life.

I bless this day.

Your Day

2011-06-02T08:25:00.000-04:00

How will you make the most of your day?

It is your attitude that will lead you, determine how you feel, how you react. Will you be happy? stressed? will you go through your day wishing it to be over, waiting for the end of the day to come.
Do you wake up in the morning looking forward to each minute, each second of your life?

Take a conscious minute out of your morning routine to think about your day, not only your to-do list but the fact that you have this day in your life to be kind, to make a difference in some one's life, to be grateful, to appreciate all you do have. A sunny morning, another day to get things right, to be yourself.

Each day is so precious. Sometimes you only realize this if something happens to another person, you realize how lucky you are, how fragile life is, how precious each and every second is.

Clint and I recently had some tragic news about a dear friend of ours. An accident, not expected, never anticipated, life can change in a second. This news is heavy in our hearts. It made me realize in a very raw and upsetting way that nothing is guaranteed, that life is promised to no one. It made me look at my life and be grateful for each and every day.

Life is a gift and one that we often take for granted. We go through our day crossing items off our "to-do list"not taking the time to really look around and appreciate each moment of life.

Don't dwell on yesterday's mistakes, learn from them and go on, don't look for tomorrow to bring happiness, it is at your doorstep today. Life is a present to be enjoyed and lived in the moment. Take time to be grateful and be kind.

Change your attitude and you will change your life, your day, minute by minute.

Amazing

2011-05-24T14:33:00.000-04:00

We do so much without thinking about it, breathing, swallowing, walking, bending, digesting. Our blood circulating through our bodies, healing a scratch, pumping our hearts.

Our body takes care of business. We are not consciously aware of so many of it's jobs. We go on during the day not thinking about any of this, just expecting it to happen.

When you get sick, then you realize just how much your body does for you, when something is taken away from you or a change occurs then we realize just how important and precious it was.

I am amazed at my body, truly astonished really.

For the past year or so it's been beaten down and torn apart by drugs, chemo, in a fierce fight against this Cancer.
I lost my sense of taste, my fingertips and feet were numb, I had severe agita, a runny nose forever, sleepless nights, aches and pains that came out of no where. I thought I would never feel like myself again.

Where did my energy and strength go? Would I ever feel like myself again?
These thoughts were ever present and when I did go off the chemo a few weeks ago, I was still feeling the side effects.

Ever so slowly my body is coming to the surface, I am standing up straighter, I have more energy, I can taste again~Thank goodness! I am coming back to me. My body amazes me. I give thanks everyday for this wondrous miracle. The fact that my body is healing, slowly mending, getting stronger everyday. We so often take our bodies for granted, we go on with our daily life not thinking about what is going on inside of us.

Take time each and everyday to say Thank you... for the body you live in, for the care it gives you, for the life and energy it radiates.

As I lay my head on the pillow at night, I start with my feet, they hold me up everyday, carry this weight, walk the walk, I go up my body, recognizing each and every part, giving thanks for all the work my body does without a conscious thought from me.

Take care of your self. Drink lots of water, stretch, lay down flat and be still for a short time each day. Acknowledge the wonder that you are living in. Take care of your body. Treat it with love and respect. Realize that it is there for you each and every minute. Be grateful.

We have so much in our lives already. Sometimes we look for material things to make us happy but the happiness lies within. Take a look around you, pause in your day, in your multitude of tasks and to-do lists, look around you and be grateful for what you see, what you have, it is a much better way to live. Your life is yours to make it the best you can, you have the options, you have the ability to see things in a grateful light.

Be conscious and thankful each and everyday for what you have, acknowledge your body and all it does for you!

Take care of YOU!!!!!

A SPACE OF YOUR OWN

2011-05-19T10:34:00.000-04:00

Affectionately nicknamed my VOODOO ROOM by Clint, it is the smallest of the three bedrooms and was my daughter's room as a little girl.

My home is filled to the brim with collections of pottery, pictures, dishes, glassware, and knick-knacks, this was the room where we put everything that didn't have a place. This was a room that had a collection of anything that we needed to hide in a hurry or get out of the way~open the door, shove it in, close the door. A catch-all for all things: winter coats, summer cloths, toys, boxes, books.

I made it my mission over the years to revamp this room and call it my own. It took a while and my motto is little by little, so I slowly took my time, cleared it out except for the precious, well loved cookbooks, novels, one desk instead of three, my computer and a fountain, a rocking chair and all my books and tapes (and there are many) on Italy, some plants and candles, and a jar of spice drops (my favorite candy)and a basket with all the cards people have sent me this past year.
I created a space where I could go to relax, to think, to unwind, to write, to read, to meditate, to stretch, to work, to cry and to find peace.

When I walk into this room and close the door I can feel my shoulders drop, my mood lift and my heart calm.

I am surrounded by all of the things I love, I have a picture that was hanging in my Grandfather's bedroom, of St. Anthony of Padua, I have a old photo of me at one year old, completely bald except for a bow taped on my head. I put that in my room to help me come to terms with losing my hair during chemo. This room is not crowded, it has space and light and plain white walls, freshly painted. It is comfortable and welcoming. It is my space and I love it.

Everyone needs their own SPACE, whether it is a chair or a room or even a corner of a room you need to have a place to go to unwind, to relax, to think.
A place that you feel stress free, a place where no one will bother you. It is important to create this in your life. A mini get away. A sanctuary. It will give you peace of mind and heart.

No matter how jam packed your home is~find a spot, somewhere you love, someplace to gravitate towards. Someplace you can call your own. you deserve it!!!!!

Tiny Treasures

2011-05-18T09:29:00.000-04:00

All of us wish for things in life. Sometimes it is a small wish and sometimes we want to win the lottery. We go through our lives wishing for things to be better, setting goals and hoping opportunities drop in our laps. Looking for the next big thing.

I think our lives are filled with treasures, tiny treasures that we sometimes miss because we are too busy with the everyday living and stress.
These tiny treasures go unnoticed, unappreciated, not on purpose but because we don't make the time to acknowledge them and be grateful.

To live in the moment is to appreciate all the little surprises that come our way. I am talking about the tiny stuff that makes up our day.

Opening your eyes to the soft rain outside, to the brightening of a new day, to start all over again each day, a new chance to make things better, to realize how lucky you really are with what you do have in your life.

I try to be conscious and aware from the minute I open my eyes in the morning, my head on my favorite pillow, my fuzzy slippers as I make my way downstairs, a good stretch, a cup of strong coffee, my candle light and my early morning writing allow me to be aware that I am blessed. That I have the gift of this day to be happy, to laugh, to share, to accomplish what I need to, I am grateful for all the treasures that come my way.

A good morning smile from my husband, the chance to talk to or visit with my parents who live only a block away, the laughter of my grand kids, the view outside my Voodoo room window, filled with the signs of Spring, the flowers on my porch and the herbs planed in a big pot on my back step. The promise of summer is looming ahead and I can't wait for the fresh ears of corn dripping with butter and the smoky flavor of food on the grill.

We are so blessed each and every day with all the little things that make up our daily life.
We just need to notice, to appreciate all the tiny treasures that we have in our daily lives and be grateful.
It is a much better way to live my life, to feel that I am where I am suppose to be and that everything will be all right.
Know that you are where you are suppose to be and that you are the Captain of your ship, your life. It is a choice to be happy and content, to enjoy and appreciate life's little treasures.

I wish you peace and happiness and joy today.

Singing in the Rain

2011-05-17T19:14:00.000-04:00

We drove down to Jeff amidst the raindrops and with a tenseness in my body.

I knew what I wanted to hear but I wasn't at all sure what the doctor would tell me.

I was on a Merry-Go round of doctors appointments, one after another telling me what they thought I should do, what they all recommended was surgery even though they all did say that the chemo did a dramatic job and they were not even sure what was coming up in the PT scan was Cancer or scars from where the Cancer was or the effects from the radiation I had.

This decision was a difficult one for me. I kept going back and forth~get it over with, go for the operations now and be done with it and the next minute I was thinking NO I don't want to do this now.
I am just starting to feel good, like myself, with some energy, some ambition, some hope.
I didn't want to be down for the count for another year!

We got down there early despite a lot of traffic and rain. We were seen immediately~funny how I take that as a good sign! I barely signed in when my name was called. The doctor came in minutes after we were led to the room. He told me I looked great, when I said I was shying away from the surgeries, he agreed with me "I don't blame you" he said! well at least we were on the same page as they say!

I told him that I talked to the oncologist and the colon surgeon and that I wanted to wait for surgery. I could not justify going in for one maybe two major operations when there was little evidence that the Cancer was alive and well.
Did he want to do the liver now? I asked. "No, it can wait too. What you have and what I see on the scans is so small it might not even be Cancer". There is one spot that is on the surface of my liver, he feels that it can wait until July when I get my next set of scans and blood work. Also that he can go in and burn it or scrape it out, a minor operation compared to taking out half of my liver!!! tops 3 or 4 days in the hospital. He also gave me hope that this may all just go away. You never know he said.

I almost danced out of that examining room. What good news!

Now I am not stupid or naive, I know that I will be tested regularly and anything can happen but I have high hopes for me and I can make my plans and live my life NOW.
I am feeling good and I am thinking positive. I have hope and a new sense of optimism.

That song" You don't know what you got till it's gone" is going through my head. I got through this past year, it was not easy but I did it! it gave me a realization of what is important in life.
It changed my outlook and my reactions to everyday nuisances. It made me realize that in this life, each and every day is so important, important to be calm, to be peaceful, to be kind, to appreciate everything and everyone I have in my life, to make time to enjoy the little things, like a flower blooming, birds singing, a quiet breeze, I know this may all sound corny but life would not be the same without those simple pleasures. Things we take for granted. Time with our family, laughter, good food, a good nights' sleep.
I want to enjoy and appreciate all those little good things that I have in my life. I am thankful everyday for what I have, I try not to think about what I don't have or the things I think I might want. I have every thing I need, all within me to live and appreciate and to make a difference in this life.

So today I am Singing in the Rain!!!!!

STAYING "UP"

2011-05-14T15:40:00.000-04:00

This is the blog I started a few days ago......

I've been a little out of sorts this week. Although it has been beautiful outside, with Spring popping out all over, and in spite of keeping myself extremely busy I am down in the dumps. There is not any one thing that is causing this unless you can count the CANCER.

I have been off chemo for almost 6 weeks now and I am still feeling the side effects. Some days, especially at night time when I am tired, I just want this to be OVER. I want to be cured. This is not a word you use in the same sentence as Cancer. The doctors tell me that instead of focusing on a cure they are telling me that I will live with Cancer.

I guess LIVE is the important word here.

This does not go away, it is with me as I fall asleep and when I wake up. No matter how busy I am or keep myself immersed in activities there is always a little voice inside my head that screams CANCER.

Maybe this is why I am so grumpy lately, out of sorts, not my happy self.

I made up my mind a few weeks ago to just live my life like I don't have this dreaded disease. I want to make plans for the future and do what I love doing~teaching classes, planning culinary tours, living my life now.

I did not finish it because I felt it was too negative .... I'll start again..

I've been struggling with my thoughts and feelings lately and I want to change my mind-set to a more positive one.
I am so intent on keeping busy so I don't have to think about what is next but I realize now that the strategy does not work. I was tired and therefore not getting up early in the mornings, so all the thoughts that I usually put on paper were whirling around in my head with no room for good stuff.

I sat quietly these past few days and tried to regain my hope, my strength, my lust for life.

When we are silent, and our mind is not racing with a million thoughts we make room for the little voice inside our heads that speaks to us from our soul.

That is the voice I need to listen to.

I need to make this experience I am going through a positive one. I need to turn my thoughts to the up side of life. I can't change or predict the path this disease will take but I can control my reactions and feelings and that is exactly what I am trying to do on a daily basis.
Not always easy but I just need to remind myself that this is my life I am living, sick or not. I want to enjoy it and make it the best I can.

I see the liver surgeon on Tuesday and I will finalize my decisions then. I have to do what is right for me, I have been very aggressive with my treatments, doing what the doctors told me is best but at this point I need to believe in my strength and in my body.

I want to go on and make plans, do the work I love to do, enjoy my husband, grandchildren, my family, my friends. I want my life to continue and be full. This is up to me.

So I will take a deep breath, and I will make time to be silent, to listen to my body, to that little voice in my heart that knows what is good for me.
I will notice what makes me happy and follow that path.

Mud Sales

2011-05-05T16:22:00.001-04:00

It was a chilly Spring morning and we had plans for an new adventure. We were babysitting and needed to find an interesting place to go.
I had our boots lined up, packed some water and a pack of Ritz crackers and off we went.

With a map in hand and Tina's two boys Christopher and Brandon, we headed to Lancaster for our first ever "Mud Sale"

Sometime last year I read about Mud Sales held in the Springtime in Lancaster. These sales were an all day affair beginning around 8:30 AM. They are held each Saturday at a different location and sponsored by the local fire companies.

We traveled the back roads to Lancaster, it was a beautiful ride through the rolling hills and farmland. The horizon was dotted with silos and cows grazing. The kids called out every time they saw animals, shouting, cows! horses! chickens! They love being in the country.

As we arrived we saw hundreds of cars parked on the shoulder and people walking along the country roads. We followed the crowds, and crowds there were. A sea of straw hats greeted us as we made our way towards the action, we had our boots on and we walked along past the buses picking up the locals from out of the way parking lots, past little Amish boys pulling wagons filled with antiques, past the farm house and around the buggies that dot the countryside.

As we crossed the bridge and gazed below we were amazed at the sight!

The fields were full of Amish men, women and children. There were tents housing small auctions, flat farm wagons with men standing and auctioning off small farm equipment, there was a coral surrounded by hundreds of people, in the center was a ring~ horses were being led around and around as an auctioneer called out prices in a loud melodious sing-song voice. These horses were magnificent, some fully dressed in tack, chrome gleaming in the mid morning sun, they looked like they just stepped out of a Budweiser commercial, others were small ponies going for as low as $50!!!

We walked further in the very muddy field and came upon a row of at least 100 buggies, some new, others gently used, all for sale.
There were tents housing small auctions~furniture, quilts, lumber, antiques, farm equipment, lawn mowers, clothes, birdhouses, antique toys. My head was on a swivel!!!!

There was food, wonderful, simple Lancaster county farm fare. There was a milk wagon serving fresh milk, chocolate milk, raw milk. Anything you can imagine was for sale.

This colorful scene was one I won't forget. Our boots covered in mud we walked among the Amish and Mennonite, smiling broadly at everyone we saw.
We can't wait to go to another mud sale, it was so much fun and so very interesting!

The kids were tired and hungry so we headed to their favorite place! Shady Maple for a smorgasbord fit for a king! I bought them Amish Straw hats and they were Amish for a day!

SHOPPING WITH SUSAN

2011-05-03T16:36:00.002-04:00

I woke up early to get ready. Clint left to pick up our 15 passenger van and I set out some small danish, fresh fruit and mimosas to nibble on while we awaited our shopping group.

This is my 7th year doing this and it is such a fun day.

My idea of Shopping with Susan came to me as I teach my cooking classes. Everyone is always so interested in where I do my marketing. I thought WOW what a great idea! I can take everyone with me to all the family run businesses I frequent and show them how wonderful and fresh and easy it is to cook with local ingredients from businesses who care about and know what they sell.

I patronize family run businesses because there are becoming a thing of the past. My saddest day was when I walked through a big store that sells clothes, appliances and ground meat!!! It makes me so sad. I know sometimes it is more convenient to shop at one big store but who do you ask for a recipe? who tells you how to prepare what you are buying and give you ideas on different ways to use it?
It is the personal touch that is missing.

We talk with the shop owners, sample their products, get ideas on cooking with the foods we buy and then finish with a wonderful, casual lunch before we head back home. It is a fun, laughter filled experience and one that you will always remember. These are places you will come back to again and again.

A Privilege

2011-05-02T09:07:00.000-04:00

Last Thursday night I had the honor and privilege of being a guest speaker for The American Cancer Society Relay for Life. It was a Mardi Gras Ball for Survivors and Caregivers held at the Downingtown Country Club.

I was asked last February to do this "Little speech" by Susan Baroni who had attended a cooking class. I agreed immediately. What an honor! Was I nervous? yes~ to tell the truth, I speak in front on large groups of people on a regular basis and I never have difficulty BUT I am conducting a cooking class and have my "props" of food in front of me. This was different. Clint told me if I was nervous, bring a head of cabbage as a prop!!!!!

We were in the beautiful ballroom at the Downingtown Country Club. As we arrived I was greeted at the door and introduced to the wonderful people who plan this every year. I looked around the room and saw at least 20 tables of 10~ that is 200 people! The theme was Mardi Gras and the room was filled with purple and yellow balloons, The "NEW KINGS OF RHYTHM" a fabulous New Orleans band was playing, some people were dressed in feathers and masks others wore Mardi Gras beads, all wore smiles!

As the evening progressed and announcements were made, this wonderful group of people were having FUN! I looked around at the dancing and picture taking and celebrating and thought to myself "Cancer doesn't stop them!" It was truly a magnificent evening.

We started off with a delicous dinner and then I was "UP." I printed some copies of my blog entries to read as we drove, I hoped they would give me a little inspiration for my speech. I was introduced and walked up to the podium. As I looked around I realized that everyone in that big room had been touched by Cancer. They wake up everyday to a different reality, knowing they have this battle in their lives. There were no tears, no sad faces, no self pity, these people had strength and hope and love, they are survivors and care-takes, a tough reality and they face it moment by moment.

As they turned their faces towards me I knew I had this in common with them, I could relate, I could sympathize, I, too am a survivor facing this challenge daily, trying to make each day count, still living my life amidst fear and uncertainty and trying to make decisions that will affect the rest of my life.
They gave me hope, these smiling happy people.

I started talking and the nervousness melted away. I talked about taking care of ourselves, I spoke about living in the moment and enjoying life's simple pleasures and before I knew it they were laughing and my little speech had come to an end.

It was an honor to be among these people, knowing what they go through and have gone through. The evening gave me hope and knowledge that we all go on, we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and start all over again!!!

Out of the Blue

2011-04-30T10:21:00.000-04:00

It was dinner time and my home was quiet. Clint was upstairs meditating (snoring) and I was in my kitchen starting to prepare dinner.

The phone rang, when I said hello I was totally unprepared for who was calling.

Susan? this is Doctor (my colon surgeon), "How are you?" "You have been on my mind day and night"
Well doctor, I have been on my mind day and night! this decision is not an easy one and I have been back and forth with my options for a few weeks now.

He told me that the problem with me is that I did too well on my chemo, there is almost no Cancer left in my body, my liver surgeon says that he is not even sure that the smaller spots are Cancer. The larger of the spots is very light with only a small uptake of energy showing on the tests.

That is what makes my decision harder I told him. Why would you want to operate if you can't find anything is my question. How can I justify going through these major operations now?

He spoke with me for some time, letting me know the pros and cons of both side~waiting or having the operations now.
It was my longest and most productive conversation with him in almost a year.
I had a list of questions and concerns a mile long, they have been going through my mind endlessly these past few weeks. We discussed every possibility and it's consequences.

This conversation gave me hope and also a foundation allowing me to make a decision I can believe in.
My prayers were answered, my hopes stirred and my belief in doctors restored.

I have an appointment with the Liver surgeon on May 17th and at this time I will find out his concerns and suggestions and then I will go with my gut~so to speak!

This simple conversation, this phone call out of the blue, put my mind to rest, gave me hope and strength and belief in myself and the link to answers I need.

That phrase that runs through my mind to calm me~" Every little thing gonna be all right" is finally true!!!!!! In my heart I know that every little thing IS gonna be all right!!!!!

Happy Easter!!! Buona Pasqua!!!

2011-04-24T07:59:00.000-04:00

These are not my words but I wanted to share them with you~Happy Easter~ Buona Pasqua a Tutti!!

You are strong. . . when you take your
grief and teach it to smile.
You are brave. . . when you overcome your
fear and help others to do the same.
You are happy. . . when you see a flower
and are thankful for the blessing.
You are loving. . . when your own pain
does not blind you to the pain of others.
You are wise. . . when you
know the limits of your wisdom.
You are true. . . when you admit
there are times you fool yourself.
You are alive. . . when tomorrow's hope means
more to you than yesterday's mistake.
You are growing. . . when you know what
you are but not what you will become.
You are free. . . when you are in control of
yourself and do not wish to control others.
You are honorable. . . when you find
your honor is to honor others.
You are generous. . . when you
can take as sweetly as you can give.
You are humble. . . when you
do not know how humble you are.
You are thoughtful. . . when you see me
just as I am and treat me just as you are.
You are merciful. . . when you forgive in
others the faults you condemn in yourself.
You are beautiful. . . when you
don't need a mirror to tell you.
You are rich. . . when you never
need more than what you have.
You are you. . . when you are
at peace with who you are not.

Decisions

2011-04-22T16:14:00.000-04:00

What to do?
I met with my oncologist on Tuesday afternoon, I had a cooking class that night and I had to be home by 5 PM. It was not such a good idea to schedule both in one day. It was an emotional doctor visit for me. He was going to give me my options for further treatment.

He did just that. He came in closed the door and sat down facing us. He told me when he conferred with the liver and colon surgeons their recommendations was to operate. He also said that he would go along with that decision BUT I had to take in consideration all my options and end results.

There is not guarantee that even after 2 operations to remove where the tumor was in my colon, along with a colostomy and take out the spot or spots on the liver that the Cancer may still return. In the same organs or in others. There is no way to predict what could happen. Therefore he told me that I need to weigh having the operations and going through at least 6 months of recovery to get back to where I am now or take a wait and see attitude and in July have the scans and tests done again to determine if the Cancer spread or grew or jumped around in my body.

Do I risk going into surgery and getting an infection, staying in the hospital for longer than a week, having a colostomy that may or may not be able to be reversed?
Only to have the Cancer come back again, do I wait and see and just take a chance that my colon is clear? The PT/CT scans and blood work are not perfect, he told me there is no way to really predict how much Cancer is left after Chemo, the only sure way is by a biopsy. The colon surgeon could not find a thing when he did the exam a few weeks ago but the scans say there is activity in my colon... could it be from the radiation I received back in the spring of last year? Yes it can.. so now what?

He told me to consider quality of life and do I really want to go through some major surgeries if I don't really have to? so many questions and so little answers. His advice was to meet again with both of the surgeons and try to pinpoint exactly what they want to do as far as surgery. Will the liver surgeon do a Laproscopic surgery requiring a shorter stay in the hospital and thus less side effects, what are the percentages of colostomy reversal? There are no guarantees and maybe that is what I was looking for. I am faced with a battery of questions about the rest of my life.

This is difficult, I want to do the right thing for me but at this point I just don't know what that is.
My gut reaction is to skip the surgeries and just wait and see and maybe this will all go away, but am I being naive? am I risking the chance of this appearing somewhere else and then my option for surgery is taken away?
He also told me that at this time he would not recommend more chemo, my body has taken all it could and it would be more detrimental than helpful right now.
This is weighing on my mind, awake and asleep it is all I think of. No one can answer this but me. I try to sit and find a quiet space in my mind and heart and listen for the answer. I pray I make the right decision.

Dinner Party Cooking Class

2011-04-18T16:26:00.001-04:00

I whirled around the house on Friday in anticipation of my Hands on Cooking Class, the theme was "Dinner Party."

I had all my ingredients purchased and I assorted everything by recipe. Making a station for each recipe.
I had 12 on my guest list and as I folded the aprons and dishtowels I thought that this was going to be a fun night!
It was!
Each person came through my door excited to be here. A glass of wine to relax and then my instructions, as well as a tour of the kitchen and location of pots, pans, knives, pot holders and anything else I could think of that they would use. Peggy and Clint stood at the ready, anxious to lend a helping hand and do all the dirty pots and pans and dishes. A hand on class is exactly the way it sounds, YOU prepare the food. Each couple took a different recipe and before I knew it there was a kind of bedlam in my home filled with laughter and fun!
We cut and trimmed and sauteed our way through the night and before we knew it our meal was ready. These people were good!!!! The food was displayed on beautiful pottery and we ate on gorgeous antique china dishes and by candlelight.

The food was brought out hot from my big oven and we sat around my big old table and enjoyed the fruits of out labor. It was great fun and everyone promised to comeback soon!

ANTICIPATION

2011-04-18T15:50:00.000-04:00

Anticipation, that song is running through my mind.

I am prepping for a Girl's Night Out Cooking Class for tonight and for tomorrow night. I am busy. That does not stop my mind from wandering and going to places I would rather not think about.

Tomorrow I have a 2:15 appointment with my oncologist for what should be a review of what all my doctors have discussed as well as my options for the next step and any questions I could think of. I know it is cutting it close with a class tomorrow night at 6 PM~ given their track record of being on time. It was the only appointment open so I took it. I am anxious to hear what he has to say. I have gone over every conceivable scenario in my mind.

I think I am doing OK, until I find myself in tears for no reason, crying in the shower, silently sitting and thinking way too much! Clint, bless his heart knows me well. He told me last night as he wiped away the tears that were rolling down my cheek without me even realizing it, "it's OK, you have a lot to think about" It will be fine, don't worry"

So the song that I want to sing is "Don't worry, be happy!"Every little thing gonna be all right."

I am really ready for this to be all over, but I know I still have a road ahead of me. Surgery? who knows, I am sure that is what the surgeons will push for~ can I hold off? will it be detrimental to my health, will this Cancer come back full force hurtling me to where I was in last April? Will I have to go back on the dreaded chemo. those drugs are still affecting my body, I have neuropathy, tingling and numbness in my toes and fingers, I am off balance, bumping into walls and doorways, I am achy all over, stooped sometimes like a little old lady, hard to stand up straight. My sense of taste is still dull, I get tired easily and often. My emotions are on edge and I cry easily.

On the other hand and I always like to look at the bright side, I am working as much as I can, my hair (soft fuzz) is starting to grow back and I don't have a chemo pump dangling from my waist!

I think I will take my own advice and take each day, each moment as it comes, trying hard not to look too far ahead. Accepting what is and knowing it will be OK no matter what.

(But I still want it to be OVER!)

A visit with Jonny

2011-04-15T17:51:00.001-04:00

A few years ago, almost 13 years actually, my daughter Tina met a young man while on his honeymoon in Jamaica. They became fast friends and have stayed in touch all these years.

Jonny was from Quebec and had a very sexy accent as well as a promising career as a NHL linesman.
He traveled extensively as an offical for the National Hockey League. Each time he came to this area, we would get together, mostly having dinners at my home and sometimes going out. We went to visit him in Quebec one winter and he took us to the Maple Syrup Festival. It was great fun as we tried all foods made with maple syrup we even ate frozen syrup dipped in the high snow that covered most of Quebec, even in the Spring!

When he bought a home in Tampa we went to visit him there too, meeting his wife and small children. We as a family have remained close all these years. His kids have grown up and so have we. Time passes but we still all stay in touch!

Last year when the Flyers were in the town, he got us great seats and an after game visit to meet all the players. We had a ball. Jonny is now one of the top linesman and was asked to participate in the playoff season~ a great honor for a linesman!

He is in town for the first two games and wanted to stop by to say hello.

I had cooking classes all week so I couldn't meet for dinner but he was able to drive here for a nice lunch today. I made all the things he loves and we had a wonderful, if short visit.

It is so nice to stay in touch with friends over the years.

Last year when Tina made the call to tell him I had Cancer, he told her that at every game as he dropped the puck to start the game he whispered a prayer for my recovery. He told me today that he does it each and every time for all the games he participates in. To me, this means so very much!
I told him today~ keep up the prayers~ it is working!

Here's to friends and prayers and love across the miles!!!

Options

2011-04-14T15:52:00.000-04:00

What can I say, my week and past days have been tiring, exhausting, fearful and sometimes mellow.
I tried to stay in the positive. I did as I was told and called the colon surgeon on Monday to give him a number where he could reach me anytime of the day or night the following day.

The doctors were having a conference on Monday night, my name was on the list. They would put their heads together and let me know their decision regarding my next step in this battle with Cancer.

I slept fitfully on Monday night expecting a long day on Tuesday, jumping every time the phone rang.

I was pleasantly surprised when early in the morning around 9AM or so I received a call from my oncologist. I was happy to hear his voice because I knew that he would take his time explaining everything to me and he did.

The first thing he said to me was that the surgeons wanted to operate, no surprise there, that is what they do and I was told that an operation to get all the tissue out was a good thing. In his next breath he said
"You have very LITTLE Cancer in your body" Hurray!!!!!!! He told me the surgeons do this every day~ take out colons and livers, but to me it is a very serious Operation with a good amount of down time. He feels that I must weigh my options and give this all some thought. He suggested I make an appointment with him next Tuesday and we will discuss everything, the pros and cons of what is to come next. He told me to think about this and also write down any questions that come to mind and we will go from there.

So.... nothing definite yet, but I am moving forward at least. There is a lot to think about~do I want these operation~NO is my first response but do I want this Cancer to come back~ No is my response to that too!!! what to do... So I am trying not to speculate and just go with the flow and know that I will make the right decision for me. I know that in my heart I will do what I have to do to be able to go on with my life and to me that is so important. I want to live my life everyday. It is so precious to me. I re affirm that every morning when the sun peaks out behind the darkness of night. I have another day, a gift and I want to keep receiving that gift.
So I will wait until next Tuesday when I hope to have more answers, in the meantime I am enjoying each blessed second!!!!
Happy Spring to you! Enjoy your moments in time too!

Surprise!!!????

2011-04-08T13:14:00.001-04:00

I've been to all three doctors, the oncologist, the liver surgeon, and yesterday I went to the colon surgeon. I've had my tests doing exactly what the doctors are telling me to do. A good girl always!

I had quite a surprise as he danced into the room with his white coat flying behind him, in kind of a hurry to be sure!
He said"Oh I haven't seen you in a while, maybe last April"

No~ I said, you saw me April 15th after I was first diagnosed and then again on May 3rd where you examined me again, and on May 27th another exam (I just love these)..Then again on July 7th after I finished my chemo and radiation. You examined me and told me there was no sign of the tumor~just a scar, again on August 12, when you sent me to the liver surgeon, I started chemo for the liver on September 15th and finished on March 8th. I told him all of this so he could know what was going on and remind him of who I was!

He walked into the examining room without looking at my chart or MRI or PT/CT scan. I provided him with a run down of the last year. His response" Wow you know everything!" Yep~ it's my body and my life we are talking about here!!!!

After a very thorough and uncomfortable exam with him wiggling the tube in and out of my colon. He Says" I can't find anything, nothing, not even a scar, I don't know what to do!"Oh my ~he doesn't know what to do??? I've heard this from all three doctors at this point. Kind of has me wondering~DON"T DO ANYTHING THEN!!!!!!! I am cured! or so I think. They have other ideas I am sure.

He hands me his card and says call me on Tuesday~we have a colon-rectal conference with all the doctors on Monday night, I will put your name on the list and then we will decide what to do next.

Soooooo still no answers. I am finding out that there are no answers, just more questions. I was under the wrong impression that I would have some idea of what will come next~but no, not yet anyway.
Now don't get wrong I am thrilled to have him say he couldn't find anything! not even the scar, but he saw where the scar was~isn't that the scar? where the scar was???? I am confused, maybe he is confused too !!!

When I finally got home I thought to myself~go to the Doctor you feel the most comfortable with and that is my oncologist~bless his kind, patient heart!

I called him on his cell hone, he gave me that number when I was first diagnosed and I have not misused it at all, but now was the time to use it! I called, he picked up and I spoke with him, giving him the run down on doctors visits and comments. He told me I did the right thing by calling him, that he would get together with the other two doctors and get back to me next week. Weighing the possibility of surgery with a more soft approach, I was so relived to hear that! Hurray!!! finally something concrete. Someone who cares. I know that I have good doctors but they all don't have the time or the patience for talk as he does. I thank God that he is my doctor!

So here I am on this rainy day, with nothing visible in my colon (great news) and a possibility of an non-invasive next step. Hurray Hurray!!!!

EXPECT THE BEST!!!!!!!

2011-04-05T15:58:00.000-04:00

Expect the Best Today

We open our eyes in the morning to a new day. What is the first thing that comes to your mind as you greet the new day?

All the things you have to do, you think about your day but how do you feel? Do you think it will be a stressful day, a busy day? a day filled with a to-do list? That is how most people greet their day. As a to-do list ~expecting rain or traffic on the way to work, dreading your obligations, thinking the worst.

A new and different way to look at each new day is to EXPECT THE BEST! What do you have to lose?

Nothing really, expect miracles to happen, expect the best things and thoughts and needs to come your way. Think and imagine that your day will go smoothly, that you will have all you need and greet any problem with calm and certainty that it will all work out.

Today my day will be wonderful!!!!!

Hows that for positive thinking?

Set your self up for success instead of failure. Enjoy the gift you have been given, a new day, a morning filled with expectations for the day~ Great Expectations, the best for you always.

I always say that you deserve the best in life and that is so true, we all deserve the best so why not wish for it, think it and you know what? If you look on the bright side, you will be happier and more able to handle any situation that comes your way!

When you lay your head on your pillow at nighttime, think of your day and give thanks for all the miracles that happened, for all the opportunity, for all the blessings you received.

Thank your body for doing it’s job, breathing, digesting and standing and sitting, going through all the motions that we don’t even think about. Thank your feet ~they hold you up, thank your hands that handle all your daily tasks, thank your brain for creating your world, be thankful for all the good, for all that you have. Don’t dwell on what is lacking or what you want or think you need. You have everything you need in your life, think about the good and good will come your way.

Expect the best today and see what the universe brings!!!

Little by Little

2011-04-04T16:27:00.000-04:00

How can we change our lives for the better? We all want to have a perfect life or as close to perfect as we can. That is not always the case, as a matter of fact it is seldom the case. Circumstances and people get in the way. I use to think that my family was dysfunctional. Now I know that most families have some sort of issue going on, no matter how wealthy, professional, smart they are, somewhere in their family there is some one or something that is off. No one has a perfect life. It just doesn’t happen. We all have issues, they are just different for everyone.

So what can we do to realize our dreams and make our life more like we want it to be? This can be a daunting task for sure but if we take baby steps, make changes little by little. You would be surprised at what you can achieve.

I took this idea and translated it to other things as well. I wanted to walk daily so instead of thinking to myself, I don’t have time or I don’t feel like it I made it a point just to go out and walk around the block~what could it take? 5 to 10 minutes? but I realized that as soon as I walked out that door and took the first step of my plan, it was easy, easier then I thought. So instead of just walking around the block I did more each day, some days I didn’t feel like doing more and that was OK too.

Just this weekend I knew I had to give my kitchen an all over cleaning.. it was a big job and I had been putting it off for a while. So I decided to do my “ little by little trick” I would clean just 1/4 of the room, one corner~ top to bottom, as I started and finished I decided to tackle another corner before I knew it the whole kitchen was done, just like that little by little.

Start with a list, for your personal life, your work, your relationships, your goals. Take a baby step to change what you want to change. A baby step everyday. You can do this, if it is too much, reduce the time or task, make it manageable make it work and DO IT!!!

You will be surprised at how much you can accomplish by doing this and how many changes, good changes will come your way.

Live life in the moment and take it little by little, you will be where you want to be in no time!

A SUNNY SPRING DAY

2011-04-03T12:19:00.000-04:00

There are a few things in life that make me feel good, one is sunshine.

Although I don’t mind a rainy day, I even love a rainy day sometimes, but sunshine streaming through my window in the early morning give me so much joy!

I feel uplifted by the sun. It enriches my day making me feel I can do anything.

What I really want to do is sit outside with the rays warming my face and gathering the energy that the sun provide.

A robin was bobbing in my garden this morning, I thought~ spring is in the air. The branches on my trees have started to bud and before we know it spring will be here in full force. Warm days and cool nights, Plants starting to bloom. It is a new beginning for all of nature and I take it as a new beginning for myself too.

I believe in the magic of Springtime. The miracle of all these living things somehow making it through a harsh winter and blessing us once again with new growth.

Life is like that, you have ups and downs and sometimes you can feel as barren as a tree in winter but little by little you come around to a new thought, a different opportunity, a new beginning.

I embrace the ups and downs of life, without them we would be bored and not really appreciate all we have.

Sit in the sun, enjoy these days of light and budding flowers..wind chimes tinkling in the soft breeze, robins visiting us in this, the beginning of Spring.

An Anniversary

2011-04-02T10:10:00.000-04:00

This was not an anniversary I expected to have.

On April 6, 2010 I was diagnosed with Colon Rectal Cancer. A huge surprise to be sure. I first heard the news and made all my doctors appointments, the course of treatment was 6 weeks of chemo and radiation daily followed by an operation to remove the tumor. I thought to myself OK~ I'll be done all this by November and then I can resume my life.

I was in for a big surprise. Nothing is like you expect it to be and Cancer is not predicable. I found that out!
After undergoing the treatment and then having more test low and behold it had metathesized to my liver. Another course of treatment was prescribed.
This time 12 of a more serious combination of drugs given every other week, if I could tolerate it. Some weeks I did OK others times I was violently ill. This treatment took 7 months for me complete, along with it came various side effects, some of which I am still experiencing.

I lost my hair but not my sense of humor. I blogged weekly to keep in touch with family, friends and clients. I learned that the power of prayer does work. I learned that I have so many people in my life that care about me. I learned that I am strong and that I need to live my life no matter what happens. I learned that this Cancer can happen to anyone, no matter how healthy you think you are. I learned to take care of myself and take life minute by minute. My life was not on hold as I first thought. I was still living whether I was sick or not.

I had so much support this past year and every wish, thought, prayer was helping me. Keeping in touch with so many people was a blessing I will never forget. I saved each and every card and all the emails that I received this past year. It is a reminder to me of all the positive energy that came my way. I am so grateful for what I have in my life. I realize that I am not alone and I don't think I would have been able to do this if not for the support of my family and friends and clients.

I learned to be grateful for what I did have in my life and try not to dwell on"why me?" or "how the hell did this happen?" There are no answers to those thoughts and they do no good. I am an optimistic person and I rather laugh and smile than cry~who wouldn't? Not to say that I didn't have my breakdowns, I did. They also taught me a lesson. It is OK to cry and be sad and wish this never happened but I always bounced back to me again. I am thankful for that too!

So as I look back on this past year, I realize that I am still here, I am still fighting, but I am living my life too. This is not going to go away. The surgeon and the oncologist both said that they will be checking on me my whole life. I am a fighter and a survivor and so I know I will do this, no matter what comes my way I will handle it, hopefully with grace and humor and strength.

So I thank each and every one of you for all your support, prayers, gifts, flowers, love, hugs, kisses and for being there for me. You are on this journey along with me and I hope we can both learn from each other.

Taking care of YOU!!!!!

2011-04-01T17:00:00.000-04:00

One thing I have learned along the way is that you are responsible for YOU. If you are waiting to get a physical or a colonoscopy or a mammogram, don't expect someone to make the appointment for you or bug you to go to the doctor.
We as women always take care of everyone else, the kids, the husband, the wash, our parents, our neighbors, our friends. We usually put ourselves last and if we run out of time in the day it is usually our needs that go by the wayside.
I am realizing on this journey through Cancer that I need to take care of ME. It doesn't mean I am selfish, actually it is the opposite, because if I take care of me I will be stronger and then able to take care of all the people in my life who depend on me.

Taking care of you can mean lots of different things. You can view this as getting a pedicure or a manicure or a massage~ all these things are great ideas. They comfort us and make us feel good.

I am not a fussy person but I like to stay at least a little bit polished. I don't want my nails to be chipped even if I am not going anywhere. I like my hair trimmed, my eyebrows arched, I want to be put together. I am not always put together but I always feel better if I take care of myself. It makes me feel good and if I am happy then the people around me are happy too.

Taking care of your self means keeping up with your health, getting fresh air daily, doing some sort of exercise on a regular basis, eating right, drinking water, stretching, having some quiet time for just you, smiling more, laughing more, letting all the little worries and aggravations of each day go.

Sometimes it is just not worth getting mad or upset about some of the small things that can happen to us on a daily basis. Like being in a traffic jam, use that time to stretch or think or let your mind go blank. We are in situations regularly that we can't control but we have the ability to control our reactions. Next time someone gives you a hard time ~smile at them.. see what happens.. it is surely not what they were expecting and it can change the outcome of a bad situation.

I encourage you to take some time for you, take care of you. If you have a medical issue and are putting off going to the doctor I can tell you that it won't go away on it's own and sometimes our fears stop us from finding out what is wrong and we put off getting it taken care of and then it's too late. So please take a minute, look at yourself and love yourself. Your body is yours for all of your life~take care of it!

Give yourself some tender loving care~ you deserve it!

IMAGINATION

2011-03-31T16:54:00.000-04:00

Imagination, Dreams, Daydreams, Wishes, these things have been on my mind.

I read somewhere that if you can imagine it to be true it can happen. I witnessed first hand how your imagination can make things happen. I spent 4 days in Disney with Tina and her family. While we were there we went to see a movie on Walt Disney.

His imagination created the fantasy world we were in. His dedication and perseverance created Disney World. He never gave up, time and again he lost his life savings but he had a dream and he followed that dream. Today it is hard to believe he created this Magical Kingdom where children and parents can come and be in a Fairyland. Somewhere you can forget your troubles and just be a kid.

I looked around me and saw his dream. I thought to myself, what separates him from me or anybody else for that matter? He had an imagination and he believed in his dreams. We all have that imagination, the ability to daydream and wish for our lives to be different.

We all have the same ability, to dream, to create, to wish for what it is we want our life to be. I came away energized to think that I can have a dream and my perseverance to follow it will make it come true. We create our life, we surround ourselves with the people we want in our lives. We chose our surroundings and our careers and our cars, our homes, our partners. Look around you... is your life the way you want it to be? do you have a dream? a wish? a desire? Notice what you pay attention to. Notice who and what is in your life. Think about the small changes you can make that will create a difference in your life.

I realized this week that I am in charge of my life, I need to take care of me and dream my dreams. I want to pay attention to what matters most to me.
On the plane ride home I took out a notebook and wrote somethings down that would make a difference in my life.

~To get up early and write
~To meditate or just sit in silence so I can hear the answers to my questions
~To stretch my body so I am not so tight
~To take a walk or get outside no matter what the weather
~To have a garden
~To let go of the little annoyances in life
~To let go of any guilt
~To stop and talk to people instead of rushing through my life
~To notice what and who matter to me
~To simplify my home, my office, my life in general
~To write daily and long term goals
~To make time to daydream

These are just some of the things I want to incorporate in my life. I want to live in the moment and enjoy all that is around me. I created my world and I want to enjoy it. No matter what the circumstance of my health are I am still living my life day by day, minute by minute and I do have some say in how I enjoy it!

Take some time for you~ make a list of what is important to you. Make a list of your wishes and dreams. Don't let life pass you by with busy~ness and clutter. Enjoy your life TODAY!
YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF YOU!

YEA!!!!!!!!

2011-03-25T17:11:00.001-04:00

GOOD NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We headed down to JEFF this morning for an 11:30 appointment with the Liver Surgeon. In the past this doctor has been pretty late with appointments and we've had to wait sometimes 2 hours before we were seen. He also was quick in the room to talk to us, sometimes not even siting down when he came in. He is a great surgeon but not all that good with a bedside manner.

Today was different. We were seen exactly on time and maybe sooner! He came into the room and sat down facing me. I had a list of questions in my hand but believe it or not he answered every one without me asking!!!

I had a good feeling as we sat talking to him. He told me he reviewed the discs and not just the reports. "You are doing great!" The bigger spot on the right side of my liver is now small enough to be scooped out~ a far cry from taking the right side of my liver out!!!
The smaller spots although there are a lot of them, altogether would fit on the head of a pin!!!! He is not even sure they are cancerous. He said if he went in to burn them he may not even be able to find them.

His suggestion was to make an appointment with the colon surgeon to have him do a biopsy of my colon tumor to determine if the "Lighting Up" is from cancer or radiation. To get his opinion on whether or not he want to remove it now or just take a "Wait and See" attitude.

If the wait and see is what he wants I may go on"maintenance" chemo and they will just keep checking on me. I found out today that this is a LIFE long process... the checking for Cancer.

If the colon surgeon determines that taking out the tumor is best, the liver surgeon will be there as well to scoop out the spot on the right and burn those pesky little spots on the left. Same incision, so I won't look like a french door window with scars running up and down my midsection! THANK GOODNESS for that !!!! Down time from surgery is greatly reduced from 6 to 8 weeks to 2 to 3 weeks!!

All in all we walked out of his office floating on air, I feel like I've been given a gift, a reprieve, a good report card!!! This is fantastic news.. I am still taking it all with a grain of salt (the only thing my taste buds detect anymore~salt) until I see the colon surgeon but I feel good about his reaction to all my tests and at least I feel like the past 7 months of chemo has accomplished something.

After all is said and done all three doctors will determine what is next. If the operation is a go I still have to wait at least 8 weeks for the AVASTIN drug to get out of my system as it creates problem with healing.
So I have an 8 week rest, my hair (fuzz) is growing back slowly, I am gaining my energy back and I am starting to feel like myself again. All wonderful!!!

This day that I expected to be filled with anxiety has turned out so differently.
My mind created a worse scenario than actually happened, which if you think about it, is always the case.

We left the office and had a nice lunch~ I even ordered a glass of wine to celebrate!
I am thinking on the positive side and blessing my life and all the people in it who have prayed and supported me with encouraging words, flowers, soup, plants cards and tears and hugs, all of it has lifted me up and made me strong enough to face this adversary.

I am truly blessed and grateful.
GRAZIE TANTE!!!!!!!!

Well.............

2011-03-24T16:44:00.000-04:00

This week has been up and down. I went for all my required tests in the begining of the week and the wait for the results had me on edge.

Today I called my oncologist and left him a message "Please call me with the results!" I know I will see the liver surgeon tomorrow but he is a surgeon, although an excellent one, he is quick with his visits and gives me little satisfaction. My oncologist spends more time, answering my questions and going over all details. I wanted and needed to talk to him.

Last time we saw the Liver surgeon I told Clint to trip him when he came into the room just so he would stay in the room longer so I could talk to him!!!!

Almost immediately my oncologist called back.

I sat at the kitchen table, phone in hand, pad of paper nearby with Clint on the extension to hear what I didn't.
He started off as he usually does. "Well.... I have both report, I see that things are stable"
STABLE!!!??? are you kidding me, 7 months of side effects and things are JUST STABLE!!!!!!

He calmed me down telling me that this was a good thing, the Cancer did not spread to any other organ. The biggest spot on my liver reduced from a nickle to a dime, the other spots are so small that the PT/CT scan didn't pick them up but the MRI did.

As far as further treatment, he told me he needed to discuss my options with the Liver surgeon after he sees me tomorrow and the Colon surgeon, who I dread seeing but now have to make an appointment to see. They have to re-examine the colon to see why it is still "Lighting Up" for that matter all the spots are still "Lighting up" but he told me it could be from the radiation I got last Spring.

So where am I now? I am thrilled that it didn't spread, I am disappointed that there is still "activity" as they say. I am in limbo. I am hoping to have more concrete answers tomorrow, but I am finding that nothing is concrete!!!

The news I received was not bad news by any means, but I am finding out that there are no black and white answers to Cancer. It is a process, a journey, a hellva trip to be sure!!! I am on the roller coaster of life, holding on for dear life, screaming, laughing and crying part of the way, but the good news is that I am still on the roller coaster!!!!!

So I have news but I don't have answers.

But the sun is shining and I am cooking for a class tonight and I am in good spirits and I will take this moment in time and enjoy it best I can! Life is fragile and I am fragile in some ways and in other ways strong.
Tomorrow will bring more "NEWS."

The Waiting Game

2011-03-23T13:59:00.003-04:00

It is Wednesday and I've had all my tests. I've been stuck and prodded and probed and injected, now I have to wait.
Wait for the Doctors to read the test, wait for the Doctors to call me, wait for my appointment with the liver surgeon on Friday.
Wait Wait Wait~ during this waiting period I try to stay as busy as possible. I don't want an idle mind that can fill with fear at the drop of a hat!
I am sending my body messages of healing, love, hope and strength.
I envision my liver clear of spots, my colon free of tumors. I am sending positive energy my way. I am also receiving so many emails and prayers and good energy from everyone. This has got to help!!
On this rainy day I am in the kitchen cooking. It is soothing to me to be stirring and sauteing and cooking my way to a free mind!
I am playing the waiting game but I am doing OK.
The MRI last night felt like I was inside church bells in Tuscany. The booming I heard for an hour or so was transformed to a place in Italy.
I can see now how powerful my mind is!!
I thank everyone for their kindness and encouragement during this waiting period.
And so I wait wait wait.. for news hopefully good, and a plan.

Calmed Down

2011-03-19T17:45:00.001-04:00

Yesterday's post was full of grief and fear. I couldn't help it, no matter how hard I tried to be upbeat and celebrate the fact that I was off Chemo and I did it for 7 long months full of side effects and uncertainty. I was still scared, probably more emotional and fearful than any other time.

I don't really understand my feelings but I can say that maybe I just needed to let go, let go of the cheerfulness, the optimism, the face that I have been trying to wear for the last 7 months. I felt exhausted yesterday, not only physically but mentally and emotionally, drained, all I could do was let the tears slide down my face and be in the moment. I tried hard to change that and then at one point I just let go. I needed to feel those feelings, those emotions. I needed to know that yes, this is a scary thing I am going through and yes, I am not sure of my future. But you know what ? when I woke up this morning I realized that no one knows their future, no one is promised tomorrow, we are all in the same place.

So I started this day realizing that I will be emotional this week, along with fear and uncertainty ~these emotions will follow me until I take all those tests that will tell me if the chemo worked, how much did it work and what is next for me.

It will be a long week but at least, hopefully by the end of this week I will have some answers, another plan maybe, and harbour hope that I will be OK.

I have yet to congratulate myself on these past months, I will do that soon, I did what I needed to do. I stood tall in the face of this Cancer and now I will do whatever I have to do ~ the next step on this roller coaster ride.

So I am drying my tears (some of them anyway) and looking ahead. The fact that I am working and teaching cooking classes is the best thing I can do right now~keep busy and be in the moment.

I wish you peace in your life and in mine too!

Feeling Down

2011-03-18T13:03:00.001-04:00

Teary, grumpy, crabby, weary, scared, emotional and nervous.

I feel like I can rename Snow White's Seven Dwarfs with all these emotions going on. I cry at the drop of a hat or if anyone asks how I am doing they will be in for a surprise waterfall from me. I am short tempered and grumpy. I am nervous about these tests results. Will they bring more chemo? did they work? will I have one two or three operations in my future? how will my life change after this? What is next?

All these thoughts are right there in the forefront and it is hard to turn them around. I go to sleep with them swirling in my head and I wake up to the same thoughts. This is the toughest part.

The chemo nurse said to me on Wednesday as I was getting infused with my last chemo "You went through the worst" You did it" You are strong" You will handle what ever comes your way."

Funny deep down I know all that but it is the unknown that scares me to death. I hear so many horror stories and read so much .. to me this is all up in the air. When my doctor can't commit to my future how the hell am I suppose to commit? I want to expect the best, and I do~ but what if? Silly nonsensical question but there floating in my subconscious non-the-less. All the doubt I can have is right there in my mind, through my breathing, through my trading bad thoughts for good ones, it resurfaces again and again.

I have a busy week next week and that is probably a good thing. I have my PT/CT scan, my MRI of the liver, my appointments with both the oncologist and the liver surgeon to discuss the results and the future. It can't come soon enough. I need a plan, I need reassurance, I need hope, I need support, I need a HUG!!!!!!!

It is not like me to be an emotional mess but here I am weepy, crying, and scared. I guess it is normal but I don't know what is normal anymore.
The nurse just came to DE-access my port and remove the bag of 5FU that I have had hanging on me since Wednesday, I couldn't wait to get it off, I had enough, enough chemo, enough of this Cancer ~ENOUGH!!!!
So it has been 7 months not counting the previous 6 weeks of chemo and radiation last Spring, a year of this... enough already!

Sorry to be ranting and raving but that is all I can do right now! You have been with me through this up and down ride and you are here with me now.

Thank you for that, for the prayers and thoughts and encouragement I have received. It made this journey so far~bearable.
And so I await my future, I will keep you posted.

Finn's Cooking Class demo at his school

2011-03-17T11:51:00.000-04:00

This week was "FINN" day at his preschool. As grandparents we were invited to come and participate in his celebration.

I chose to do a cooking demo, and also talk about his Italian heritage of course.

The kids were excited. They each received an apron and we had a brief discussion on food likes and dislikes. I also asked the kids about Italian cooking and what their favorite thing was about Italy. One little boys answer came as a surprise and got a laugh from me! His answer to my questions about his favorite thing in Italy!~Ferrari's ( I don't blame him) he also said he loved Polenta, my favorite food too!!!

We did fruit skewers with strawberries, melon and grapes and celery with cream cheese and raisins also know as ants on a log. The kids had fun and so did we! It was a great way to celebrate Finn and be included in his special week!!!
Here are some pictures.

LAST?????

2011-03-15T17:53:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow I go down to JEFF for what they say is my last treatment in a series of 12.

I have been on chemo for 7 months now, I think it should be my last. The doctors won't commit to anything until all the required tests have been done. I am to see the liver surgeon too, for an MRI of the liver once again. This will all determine what is in my future. Operations? more chemo? did the Cancer spread? the uncertainty of it all is very stressful, almost more so than the treatments. I wake up in the middle of the night without a plan, without direction for my future.

I am a planner, a list maker, I want an idea of what will happen or have a plan, something that will be concrete.

I am finding that nothing is written in stone as they say. My mom has a saying "Carve it in ice."I feel my future is carved in ice, subject to change at any time.

This is the most stressful time for me... the not knowing ... the wondering and guessing. I am usually teary, grumpy and fearful during this time. I am not looking forward to it. Laughter, to me is the best medicine, a medicine I will take over all others!!!!

It seems to me that as much as I hated getting chemo and feeling so sick at least I knew what was next, now all I see is uncertainty. It is scary.

I've been teaching cooking classes in the past few weeks and I was starting to feel like myself, the Susan of old, the women with the dreams and jokes and smiles and lots and lots of ideas. I want to stay that way. I want to laugh and smile and enjoy my life and I find now that I do this one day at a time. My plans don't stretch far and that is OK. I will get through this time and then gather all the info and make a plan, a plan for my future, a plan of hope and love and laughter. Oh and don't forget strength! I need the fortitude that inner strength provides. It will give me peace and that is all we can really ask for in life.

Enjoy the small moments that life gives us, a beautiful sky, a child's smile, a good meal, and the love of those you surround yourself with and the peace that comes with the knowledge that we are where we are suppose to be and really have everything we need right inside of us.

I wish you peace!!!

Santina and Lidia

2011-03-15T08:16:00.000-04:00

My mom is 83. She is a spit fire! Always was, she raised canaries when she was a teenager, took the EL into town and tried all sorts of food. Ate in restaurants herself because her friends wouldn't join her for the "exotic fare." She married my Dad in an arranged marriage, knowing him on a few months before they were wed.
She has dabbled in stocks and to this day still reads the Baron newspaper, keeping up on what is going on with the market.
She is a fabulous cook and cooks a big lunch for my Dad everyday. She loves to go to the casino and plays blackjack and craps... no slots for her! She is a 4 foot 8 inch dynamo!

She also LOVES Lidia, watching her religiously everyday, she has every one of her cookbooks and talks about her constantly. So when I saw that Lidia was coming to the William Sonoma store in King of Prussia to sign her latest cookbook, it was an easy decision to make.
I called her and asked if she would like to go, her enthusiastic yes was all the answer I needed.

I had been down in the dumps for a few days and I was ready to get out of the house. So off we went. She promised to buy me a pot when we got there and true to her promise I now have a beautiful Martha Stewart heavy enamel pot. I love it !

I stood in the line that snaked outside the door and around the store, patiently waiting for Lidia to arrive while my mom a "born shopper" shopped of course!

Lidia arrived a little before 3PM with her daughter Tanya. When our turn arrived for the book signing my Mom was smiling from ear to ear. She told Lidia how much she loved her and her mom, who is often on her TV shows and then looked over at her daughter and said " I like you too" so funny!!!

Lidia asked my mom her name and she proudly said Santina di Bonaventura, Lidia seemed impressed and threw both hands in the air and sang out my mom's name. It was a great Italian moment and the smile on my mom's face was priceless!

It was a fun day and it brought me out of the funk I was in. I aspire to be like my mom, full of life and always smiling!

A scenic lookout

2011-03-07T15:10:00.001-05:00

Have you ever taken a car trip?

Driving somewhere special, we only think of our destination, we are in the car reading (only if you're not driving I hope), listening to music or just zoning out. We pass through beautiful country and don't pay attention to a thing. Along the road there are usually signs for a scenic lookout, a pull over stop that is NOT a rest stop but a chance to gaze out at the beautiful countryside, a lake, a mountain, a sunset. All within our reach, all within our gaze, all we have to do is stop and take a look. Interrupt our journey for just a little while to gaze upon the spectacular.

Life is sometimes like that. We wake up each morning and go on our way to do the things we have on our lists, go to work to make a living, take care of our kids, our family. We don't stop along the way, not enough time, gotta get all this done in a certain period of time.

BusyBusyBusy, we lead busy lives, too busy to stop at the scenic overlook and gaze at the beauty that surrounds us. I am not just talking about mother nature, but also the people we have in our lives, or the people who we meet for only a couple of minutes in our day.

Do we take the time to talk ? to have a conversation? to find out how a neighbor is doing, how WE are doing? Not likely! we just go on, the day passes by in lightening speed without us noticing anything except our chores and our to do lists.

I am a great person for planning and for lists. I love lists, it makes me feel like I am accomplishing so much. Doing doing doing... but lately I am learning a new lesson. The lesson of noticing. Paying attention to the day, the sun, the breeze in the air. Taking the time to really have a conversation with someone I meet. Taking time to get to know a different way, a different environment. Taking the time to see how I really feel.

The Cancer has forced me to notice. Notice how I feel physically and emotionally. Take the time to take care of me, take the time to listen to what my body needs, to what I need in this moment. It is not always easy. We have been trained at an early age to do ... do this~do that, up until we lay our head on the pillow and sometimes into the night, we make plans and lists.

Our days are passing us by. Our life is passing us by and we cross off the stuff on our list without taking the time to smell the roses, enjoy the sunset, savor a meal, give someone you love a kiss for no special reason other than you love them!

Stop what you are doing, take the turn to the scenic overlook in your life. Take time to notice who and what is around you. Take the time to appreciate all that you have in your life, something simple as a fluffy pillow, a friend who is always there for you, good music that makes you want to dance. Take time in life for the good things, they are all around you ..
You just need to stop and NOTICE!!!!

The limit

2011-03-05T13:12:00.000-05:00

I think my body has reached it's limit. I have been tired, queasy and just plain sick these past few days after my infusion. I was expecting to feel good and I was in for a surprise.

I had plans for this week, just fun plans. Maybe take a ride to Lancaster, maybe go out and eat, maybe take my mom shopping... maybe maybe,that is a big maybe, I am too tired and sick to my stomach to do anything but lay down and even that is not comfortable. I think my body is saying ENOUGH!!!!

It has been over 6 months now that I am on this chemo for the liver, not even counting the 6 weeks of chemo and radiation I had back in the Spring... enough already...

I know I have one more treatment to go On March 16th. My Doctor tells me he can't predict what will happen after the tests, the tests will determine that. More chemo?? oh God NO! operations~ I am not looking forward to that either.

This Cancer is an unpredictable disease as he says. The road is filled with unexpected twists and turns. He knows I am a planner and I want to make plans for my summer but he is not promising a thing. I guess he doesn't want me to be disappointed or let down so all the questions I asked last Tuesday were answered with a "I don't know" Well See" The tests will tell. " No answer really... just questions. I am trying to keep my head up but the tears and the fears have a way of sneaking in when I least expect them to. I want to be strong and brave, but that is not how I am feeling.

So this week I will give in to these feelings of helplessness and uncertainty and give in to the tears and just rest. Maybe that is what I need more rest!

TOUCHED BY CANCER

2011-03-01T17:31:00.001-05:00

I just came back from my infusion. We left this morning at 7 AM and it is now 5 PM.

I am tired, queasy, jittery from the steroids and sick to my stomach. I just want to lie down but I can't. As soon as my head hit the pillow all I could think about was the class last night. TOUCHED BY CANCER ~Cancer and a room full of brave strong people, fighters, positive, smiles on their faces and hope in their hearts. They came for food and fun and maybe a little inspiration. I gave it all I had.

You can be touched in so many ways. A big strong hug, a smile from the heart, a soft pat on the back, a cancer diagnosis, a bad day. We are touched everyday both physically, mentally and emotionally.
The faces of the people in my living room said it all. They are warriors, they made a choice to live in the moment, to live each day fully and to touch and be touched as much as possible.

A touch can be healing, to feel someone hug you with love in their heart is the best medicine I ever had.

I received so many hugs and kisses, a bouquet of Roses with a card that said "Welcome Back" and I am back, back from the fatigue and side effects that I lived with this past year. Back to doing what I love~ cooking and talking and laughing. It went by fast I can tell you that much and came with many twists and turns. When you are in a situation like this you learn, maybe the hard way, to go with the flow. It is too hard to swim upstream, much easier to just let it happen and take away any drama that may come along.

The people in my home last night didn't ask for this to happen, probably didn't expect it to ever happen but here it is and we are learning as we go, as my doctor tells me time and time again, everyone is different and goes through this journey in a different way but we all have one thing in common~ we are fighters, we are brave and strong and we cry too! We do what we can and hopefully listen to our bodies. We are care takes of ourselves and other.

Everyone had a wonderful time, Laughed a lot, ate good, fresh, bright, tasty food and left with smiles on their faces and maybe just a little inspiration to lift them up!

I know they inspired me with their love and support and the fire in their eyes that this is life and in the end it will all be OK.

LOVE to all of you! Now I am going to bed!!!!!

Nourish

2011-02-28T15:03:00.000-05:00

On this rainy day it is a great time to think about how you can replenish your life.
All aspects of your life not just your body but your heart and soul and imagination.

Nourish your soul with quiet time
Nourish your mind with a good book
Nourish your heart with laughter
Nourish your imagination with day dreams
Nourish your body with some tender loving care
Nourish your tummy with a bowl of soup
Nourish your thoughts with forgiveness

It is time to take care of you, notice what makes you feel good. Pay attention to your thoughts, your dreams, your life!

I know we live busy lives. It is easy to just go with the flow, forgetting what makes us tick, what excites us.

We just do what we have to do day after day without a thought without time to make changes or so we think. We can make changes to our lives, subtle changes that will make a difference. Everyday we live another small part of our lives, we create memeories, make plans, harbor hope.

Take some time for you today and everyday. What do you want? what will make you happy, excited, joyful? Ask your self those question and give yourself some quiet time and the answers will fill your heart.

I wish you joy and happiness and daydreams.

Exuberance, Excitment, Laughter and Good food

2011-02-27T14:08:00.000-05:00

An abundance of laughter and good food along with positive energy and great vibes filled my home on Wednesday and Thursday night as I taught 2 nights of a fun fantastic Girl's Night Out Cooking classes!

The room was filled with happy faces and I sauteed and stirred my way to a delicious dinner. My energy was up and I gathered my strength from all the happy women in my living room!

It was a fun two nights filled with so much love and hugs and support. It was wonderful to see everyone and I was thrilled with the support and love and applause I received!
Just wonderful.

I am in the midst of setting up some additional classes as well as some day trips so look for them on my web site.

I am teaching my "Touched by Cancer" Class on Monday night. The class will be full with people who either have Cancer or know or take care of someone with Cancer. I am looking forward to sharing all the ups and downs of this disease. I am sure the night will be filled with tears but also laughter because that is what keeps me going ~ a good laugh along with so much support and love.

I go in for my 11th infusion on Tuesday. It is my next to the last before I go for more testing to see how well my body responded to the chemo. They will determine what is next after I get my PT/CT scan and MRI. It has been six months of chemo for me and I am ready for it to be over. I am trying to take one day at a time because up ahead lie operations, one for my colon and one for my liver. Not looking forward to that !!!!!But as the Dr says ... well.... let's see and so I will wait and see. In the meantime I can have some sort of my life back with teaching these classes and maybe doing a Shopping with Susan Day Tour.

I do have to say that by getting back into my classes my spirit is up and I am happy. I love what I do and I am happy to be able to do it at least for the time being! One day at a time!!!!!

VINTAGE

2011-02-24T08:10:00.001-05:00

I remember as a child my mom would give my brothers and sister a penny for each Grey hair we pulled out of her head as we watched TV. Getting old in those days was a no-no. Anything old was thrown out, she wasn't one for sentimental items or thoughts.

Our home was filled with old antique furniture because when my mom and dad first were married they lived with my grand parents, everything in the house was from a long lost era. As the years went by she replaced it all with modern things. I am sad to this day!

In my life today I seek the old, the worn, the weathered. I have an affinity for distressed and well worn items with a past, a history only they can tell.

My home is filled with gatherings from my mom's basement, old pots and dishes that were my grandmother's, chipped and cracked burned around the edges, it gives me comfort to be surrounded by history.

Clint and I have started a new hobby. When things are tough here and I need to get out of the house we head to Lancaster and go Antiquing. Browsing really, we wander through these old barns and farmhouses filled to the brim with all things old. We pick up each piece and wonder how it was used. Clint knows about most of the things that hold an interest. He remembers when, as they say.

I started "collecting" things a few years back when old serving pieces held my interest. I would go to any outdoor market where ever we happen to be to see what they had for sale that was interesting. I had a varied collection of silver and silver plate serving utensils and old kitchen gadgets. My home is filled with all the things I love ... I have a church bench for the late 1800's, a carpenter's workbench that Clint completely restored from the early 1800's, my kitchen cabinets are made with all reclaimed wood and the large table n my living room is made from old barn wood and porch posts. I love it all. I am never concerned when my grand kids arrive and start building a fort or playing monster trucks on my tables .. the surface has been well used years before and they can't hurt a thing! makes life easy!

We are all aging, each and every day and as my father says "it's a good thing to get old, look at the alternative!"
So as I get older I want to be surrounded by things that have a past, a story to tell, things well used and cherished. They call it Vintage now, sounds fancy but really it is old and well worn, well used and hopefully well loved.

When you get up in years certain things begin to happen; you care less about what others think, you dress the way you want, say the things you want to say, you become aware of your time on earth and how precious it is, you realize that your health is most important and with out your health life is just a little bit harder.

My father also told me a long time ago that wisdom comes with age. My dad was a voracious reader when I was growing up. He mostly read about the lives of the saints and he would always tell me that wisdom was an attribute I should covet. I often asked how to go about "getting" wisdom and his reply was that it comes with age, it comes with the daily lessons life has to offer. So I had to wait to have this most important piece of life. I think I am on my way, getting old has a way of doing that. Offering up life's finest and also hardest moments, but I wouldn't trade it for the world, all the little things that seem so important have a way of fading and leaving behind a lesson and a little wisdom.

Add some vintage in your life whether it be a cherished antique, an old book or someone who has lived long enough to teach you something about wisdom and life, it will remind you that we all get old, that we all serve a purpose and that we are not finished serving until we pass from this life we are living.

Early Morning

2011-02-18T06:49:00.001-05:00

It is still dark outside, the sky is starting to streak with the colors of early mornings, the birds are tweeting and the promise of a new day is here. I love the early mornings. If I could, I would get up at 5 or even earlier just to enjoy the solitude that these mornings offer. It is a new day, a new beginning, another chance to get it right, to live your life the way you chose.

I start my mornings with candlelight and coffee and a big pad of paper and I write. What do I write? what ever comes to mind. My hopes and dreams, my complaints, my list of things to do in my life. My hope and wish for health and happiness. I write what ever comes out of my head. I just write, not thinking, not bothering to capitalize or make complete sentences. This is not an exercise in English. I don't need to have this corrected. It is just early morning ramblings that allow me to dream and hope and wish and pray.

I think about Italy, I would love to go to Rome to wander the streets and eat Carciofi and drink Espresso.

I think about my garden. Will I plant one this year? what flowers will I put into my garden to make a sanctuary to wander through in the hot days of summer.

I think about what is next for me. What does my future hold? will I have more chemo? an operation? more tests? what is up ahead? do I really want to know? probably not.

I think about writing another cookbook, I think of the stories I have to tell, the dreams I want to share.
This is my quiet time, my time to think and dream, a time to be quiet and let my mind wander, a time to notice what is in my heart.

Make some time today to notice your dreams. Pay attention to your heart. Let your breath lead you to a soft place in your heart, be open to your minds' suggestions, let them lead you to a new day, a new beginning. A day of hope and strength and life. Your life. It is today.

Hands

2011-02-16T06:41:00.002-05:00

We were riding home last night from my long infusion day at JEFF. It was rush hour traffic and we were driving down Walnut Street. I had the good fortune not to be driving. Clint does the driving, leaving me the pleasure of checking out the sights out my side window.

There is so much to see as you are driving down a very busy street filled with rush hour traffic, people riding bikes in between the small space between cars, buses sometimes two or three in a row traveling and stopping every block, there are people in the streets and taxis changing lanes with abandon. There is window shopping along the LeBec Fin section of town. My head was swirling with each block that we passed. As we drove further into the neighborhoods I caught a glimpse of something that triggered a thought that gave me an idea for this blog.

As we were stopped for a light I looked to my right and saw several big men lifting a large brown leather sofa up tiny cement steps. They hoisted it up, trying to get it over a railing and all I saw where their large, strong hands, each pair gripping the sofa a different way, strong hands holding and pushing and working together to get the big sofa into a tiny row home doorway.

It made me think about our hands, how much we use them daily for mundane things such as getting dressed, answering e mails, tying our grand childrens' shoes, making coffee in the morning, scratching an itch, kneading dough for pizza, rolling out gnocchi. I can go on and on but I think you may get my point. It is something we take for granted, going through our daily life without a thought or appreciation for the two most important parts of our body.

I often say in cooking classes that you can have all the fancy equipment the cookware store have to offer but you really have the two most versatile and important tools right at the your fingertips~ YOUR HANDS!!!!

It is something we take for granted, using them all our lives for the most important jobs and also the mundane everyday tasks we perform. Take a minute to look at you hands, do you take care of them? wash then regularly, slather them with cream to keep them soft, stretch out the fingertips, get a manicure or put them together in prayer?

Think about your hands and what they have accomplished through the years. I put my hands together and realize that my right dominant hand is slightly bigger than my left. I am a barber and cut hair for years and so my right thumb is poking out a little more than my left. I sometimes feel pain in my hands, the beginning of arthritis I am sure. I stretch and care for my hands, I appreciate each and every button they touch, every scratch or caress they give, the tousle of a child's hair, the cup of coffee I hold in the morning. My hands are always there for me.

Take a minute to think about your hands and just how important they are to your daily life, care for them and give thanks for them. They make you life what it is today.

Appreciate your body and all that it does for you without a single thought or command sometime, it is
just there for you so care for your body give thanks for all you have. It is truly a gift!

Doing what you Love

2011-02-14T15:13:00.000-05:00

Well today is the third night in a row for my Hand's on Valentine's cooking class.

When I was first diagnosed last April, I temporarily stopped all my cooking classes. I wasn't sure how I would feel during my chemo. I made the right decision, cooking classes are a high energy experience for me. I just didn't have that kind of energy.

A few weeks ago I asked the oncologist for a break. I was getting sicker and sicker with these treatments, they told me this was cumulative and they weren't kidding! I needed some of my life back.

My Doctor made the decision to take me off of one of the more powerful drugs. I noticed a difference immediately!

So I decided to start some classes again. I was very excited with the response I received from so many of my clients. the classes filled almost immediately. I was thrilled but also just a little bit nervous... would I feel OK? could I still do this?

It is hard to make plans when you really don't know what to expect but I made up my mind to go with the flow, try to let the energy of the classes carry me through.

I gave myself more time to get ready and I planned my menu. The first set of classes was for Valentine's Day, it is a couple hands on cooking classes. It was so popular it went to 3 nights. As I prepared for this I was very excited. I realize that I truly LOVE what I do. I couldn't wait for the evening to begin.

It would be the first time many of my clients would see me and I knew it could get emotional very fast. Clint even went out and bought 3 boxes of tissues!!!~ one for every night!!!!

Well we didn't need the tissues because each night so far brought hugs and kisses and warms wishes from everyone. My home was filled with love and laughter and good food! I was in heaven!

We cooked and laughed and had so much fun. The food was delicious and everyone had a great time including me! Tonight is the last night~ I did it three nights in a row of wonderful guests, lots of smiles and laughter and the promise of more cooking experiences to some.

It made me realize, today as I prep for the last class just how much I love what I do. My clients have become like my family to me. I love each and every one. So much love and support has come my way and I really do know that it is the reason I am going through this experience with a positive attitude. I have so much loving support. It keeps me strong and it keeps my life in perspecitvie.

I am living my life now, this moment, with clarity and love.

I will continue to do what I love as it helps me grow and keeps me grounded to what life is really all about.

Take a look at your life now~ what can you change to make it better. Do what you love, and the rest will follow!

I go down to JEFF tomorrow morning for my 10th chemo treatment, I will bring with me all the joy I have gotten these past three night of classes. It will make me strong. It will give me light and happiness and I can make plans for more cooking classes. I hope to see you in a class. You will learn some new recipes and have fun but most of all you will come away with a desire to LIVE, LAUGH , AND COOK!

Country Western Songs

2011-02-09T17:44:00.001-05:00

At times I feel like I live in a Country Western Song!

If I am ever feeling down in the dumps and think that the world is not treating me right I turn on a country station and just listen to those words of woe.

"Suds in the bucket and clothes left out on the line"... "Momma left us when we were two"... "Trash man didn't show up and I was laid off".... "Goin' out to get a big mac"..."My girlfriend left me for another man"... oh woe is me!!!
The words are just so funny and there is always a tale of sorrow or distress or just plain feelin' down!

Well last week we had water in the basement... the hot water heater broke... got it fixed and last night our heater went ... more water in the basement... getting it fixed tomorrow morning ... no heat this cold cold night. Thank goodness for a electric blanket!!!!!!... today the toaster oven (only months old) broke

If I was a pessimistic person I would be waiting for my roof to cave in!

Clint says to me "What else can go wrong?"

I immediately tell him to cancel that thought.
You know why??? so so much more can go wrong it's not even funny... cancel-cancel that thought. Enough already!!!!

So for the next few days I will be listening to my favorite country station just to have some perspective!!!!!!
I am piling on those blankets!!!!!!!!Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!

People

2011-02-08T09:03:00.001-05:00

Think about the people you have in your life, the friends and family that surround you, your co-workers, your neighbors. The people you see everyday and don't even think about. All of these people are contributing to your life as you know it.

You are surrounded by who you chose.

I always say that if there is someone in your life that drives you crazy, or makes you feel less than you are, someone who is draining on you, someone that doesn't make you feel good~ SEPARATE yourself from them!!!!! I know this is hard to do sometimes but it is necessary for your mental health!!

We all have these characters in our lives, some may be family members, the people that drive you crazy~ critical, always drama, always negative, always just a little bit nuts! I have plenty of these people in my family and in my life and I think you may too!

I have come to realize that much of what we do, how we think, how we act is influenced by the people who we surround ourselves with. Over the years I have come to know so many people. Some helpful and caring and wonderful and some just can drive me crazy (family for the most part). I have a big dining table in every room in my house so that when we have family gatherings there is always somewhere to escape to!!!!

Life is full of adventure and I want my adventures to be full of laughter and love and good times. I stay away from TV except American Pickers~ I love that show! I try to keep negativity out of my life as much as possible.

I am finding that I am surrounded by wonderful, caring, good people. Someone to look up to, someone to aspire to, some are mentors and some are teachers. I am an open book for learning. I love to take an idea and try to make it work in my life. I love the power of suggestion. I love to turn things into a positive experience as much as I can.

My friendships have grown over the past 10 months, people who were clients have become my comrades in arms, fighting this fight with me daily! I connected with so many new and old friends. I take the time to talk, to share, to embrace them as they embrace me during this sometime difficult time.
I realize how important they are in my life. How caring and giving and praying can help.

I have shared breakfast and lunch and dinner with them. I open my door to receive cookies and cakes and soup and hot dinners. Flowers, cards, gifts some from people I haven't seen or heard from in ages. My family from across the ocean, in Italy. My cousins who send me e mails all in Italian( thank God for Translators on the computer!!) This is such a great gift, one I am so thankful for. One I treasure and this gift is one I will continue to give myself because I see the importance of people in my life!

Look around you at the people who are in your life, give thanks for the support and caring and just the everyday stuff like a wave from a neighbor, a smile to the checkout girl (I was one of those once!) .
When you see a grumpy or grouchy person, take a minute to realize you may not know what is going on in their life, and send them white light and love. It will come back to you when you need it most.

Know that you are not alone in this life. That you can make a difference with just a smile.

A smile is free and you can do it any time of the day so smile and it will make you and someone else happy!

A Few Lessons

2011-02-06T09:09:00.001-05:00

I am living with this disease called CANCER. It is with me every waking hour and in my dreams at night. No matter what I try to do to love each day simply and without worry, the idea, the thought, the presence of this disease is felt every day.

I try to look at the positive. I try to strive to enjoy each day. Most times I am successful but there are times when no amount of positive thinking will take this away.

As with everything in my life I try to see what I can learn from this experience. I am not sure if this ever happened to you, I think it may have. You are driving along in your car, not in any particular hurry and you get behind someone so slow, you could probably get out of the car and walk to where you are going faster then being behind this slow driver. When this happens to me I ask myself" What am I suppose learn from this?" Take my time, go slower, look around me, don't be so in a rush for life to pass me by?

I look for the lesson, I look at what can be a frustrating experience and try to make it pleasant, or at least take something way from it that will help me not make me more crazy or mad or stressed out.

So I am looking at this journey I am on. Certainly not one I would pick as as a lesson, but here I am non- the-less. What am I learning? what is this teaching me? if I can keep my ears, eyes, and heart open I am sure to come out of this with some important life lessons.

Here is a little bit of what I learned along the way these past 10 months.

~It is OK to feel bad on any given day for no reason
~My family will support and surround me with love~ always
~Each day is a gift, one to use as I chose
~I love the sound of laughter
~I am surrounded by so many wonderful people
~I learned that people pray
~I have a wonderful and supportive son-in law and daughter in-law
~My body is resilient
~To breath
~To relax
~To stay calm
~Sunshine is important
~Tears are OK
~Strength is in the little things
~A smile can change my mood
~I am stronger than I thought
~I love my cooking classes
~Hugs from my grandsons can heal my heart
~I need to balance the drugs with something gentle like massage and meditaiton
~Quiet time is essential
~My children are special and support me with unconditional love
~I have created what I now have in my life
~My husband is a rock on which I can lean on at any time
~I feel the love of my clients and friends~EVERYDAY!
~This is just part of my life... more to come
~I will be stronger because of this journey
~People are so kind, thoughtful & generous

The most important thing I have learned so far is that I am not alone, I am surrounded by love and support and encouragement. These are the things that get me through the hard days, the days when the tears come for no apparent reason. The days when I feel alone and scared, when I let myself think of what exactly it is I am going through. The days of fear. They are not the norm, most times I am doing just fine but every once in a while I will wake up sad, confused and scared and these life lessons get me through that time.

So many of you have told me that you are following this blog and that it is uplifting, I am so very happy about that. I love to write and it is what get me through these confusing and difficult times. It is a barometer for my hopes and dreams. It is what I go back to, it allows me to see a pattern, this course I am on. It allows me to see my strengths and know I can do this and it is a temporary part of my life.

I am so very thankful for everyone that is on this journey with me, to keep me company and let me know they are cheering for me and that I am not alone.
THANK YOU!!!!

Getting the "JUICE"

2011-02-01T19:23:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow is the DAY~the day for my infusion, the day I head down to JEFF to get the "JUICE".

I stole this term from my friend Fran. She always brings me a big container of delicious homemade soup the week I get the "JUICE" as she calls it.

I like that term, sounds better than drugs. When I get infused I always feel like I am glowing with an neon cast to my skin. I feel like I am emitting a unnatural like light from within my body from all the drugs they pumped into my veins! (Probably true!)

As I sit here thinking about my day tomorrow and not looking forward to it. I really can't help that feeling. I don't want to say I go kicking and screaming but I would kick and scream if Clint would let me!

I am just starting to feel good, feel like my old self. My sleeping patterns have returned to normal. I can wake up in the morning without a headache or runny nose or the runs or cold hands and feet or nausea. I am just starting to feel normal and here I go ~ back to get more "JUICE". You can see why I feel reluctant to head downtown.

It seems the weather is not cooperating this winter. I slipped and slided down last time and tomorrow doesn't look any more promising. Although I tell Clint I am NOT driving down in an ice storm, he ignores me, rightly so, because I would make any excuse I can not to go! He does have my best interest at heart, he knows this is for my own good, he knows and agrees with me and says he doesn't blame me for not wanting to go but he is right~ I need to go.. just to get it over with if nothing else!

My day starts early. I try to get up with enough time for me to sit in my VOODOO room to write, stretch, mediate and prepare myself for Chemo if that is at all possible. I have my coffee, shower and pack my Chemo bag. I fill it with a good book, fuzzy socks, a magazine and a pad of paper to write on and a few candy bars! It also holds my overflowing big yellow folder with all my tests, notes and info on my disease. This is the folder where all my vital and not so vital signs are recorded and kept,
It is as fat as the Webster's Dictionary.

We leave the house around 7AM to fight the morning rush-hour traffic headed into town. We take Chestnut street. The two lane, one way street that empties into downtown Philadelphia.

The ride is mostly pleasant because instead of checking my phone or staring straight ahead, I look at the old churches and buildings that line this once elegant & beautiful street. It is now filled with convenience stores, fast food places and dollar stores. I have learned that to see beauty I must look up, above the first floors where the arches and stone balconies and carved gargoyles reside.

The beauty that was once Chestnut street lives above the first floor. The ride down is filled with old churches, their stones dusty and dirty from decades of living. We ride through Drexel University, through Penn campus, down into center city, where CVS and restaurants have taken over the once elegant buildings.

I look up, above the fast food stores to the carved niches and beautiful stonework of these old building. It holds my attention and keeps my mind off of the day ahead.

I plan someday to take a picture tour of these beautiful buildings when we can take a leisurely ride instead of trying to meet an appointment time!

As we come to 12th street the scenery changes to JEFF. I swear they own most of the building in a 5 block radius! We park in a lot, sometimes going up to the 7th floor to find a empty spot.

We walk to the Cancer center, up to the 2nd floor, the infusion floor, to access my port and get my labs done. In the course of this day I will be weighed and my blood pressure, temperature and vital signs will be taken and recorded up to 6 times!!!! I am assigned a chemo nurse, usually the same sweet girl. She is both caring and efficient, looking after me throughout the day with tender loving care. She is the one who comes and hangs the bags of chemo, one drug at a time.

I then go up to the 4th floor for sometime a very long wait to see my oncologist. I can't complain about the waiting time because when he does finally come into the room, he closes the door and is not rushed in the least bit. He takes his time answering my questions, checking my vitals, again, asking about my symptoms and always trying to find something that will make this journey through chemo more pleasant. Back down to the second floor for infusion.

And so I sit, sometimes for 5 or 6 hours as these drugs drip into my veins. The room is filled with the beeping of machines, the noise of TV's and conversation. Some sleep (Clint always finds time for a snooze) but I am not one of them, too busy and noisy and crowded with sometime 50 or 60 people in this one room! I come home with a pump that injects another drug into my port in the course of two days.

We leave late ~around rush hour again and once again I look up as we travel down Walnut street to get home.The buildings keep me entertained as we head home and I get in bed.

Another week, JUICED UP!!!!! Send me light and love tomorrow!!! get me through the juice!

A Different Road

2011-01-31T11:20:00.000-05:00

Clint and I love to travel. Throughout our years together we made it a priority to explore as many places as we could. Our travels were a gift that presented us with so many varied experiences.

Early on we decided that we would have fun no matter what. When we walked out our front door we considered ourselves on an adventure. We chose not to get annoyed at delayed planes, lost luggage and any other thing that could bring a disruption of our laughter and fun.

One of the experiences that happened quite often is getting lost. We rented a car and drove around places without the knowledge of language or currency. We took the road less traveled and consequently got lost a lot!!!!

On a trip to Portugal, we decided to visit Fatima. With a map in hand we drove the country roads of Portugal. We discovered that these roads were indeed less traveled without signs to point us in the right direction we drove on and on until we came to a dead end and a sign that pointed to the left that said "Fatima" and a sign that pointed to the right that said "Fatima". Either way we were going to get to Fatima and we did just that. Laughing all the way!

In our travel over the years we often took a wrong turn that brought us to an unexpected beautiful little village or place we did not know existed. We had fun exploring the unknown. The wrong turns led us to wonderful discoveries and experiences we would have never had if we didn't take a different path.

Life is like this too. We go along with plans in our heads of where we are going and where we want to be. Often we get lost or life hands us a different path. Sometimes we have a choice to turn back and continue on the road we think is best but other times we don't have a choice. We find ourselves on an unexpected adventure, sometimes good and sometimes hard.

I made up my mind a long time ago to enjoy my life and whatever it brings me. So here I am on a unexpected journey. My life as I know it has changed drastically. The hopes and wishes for my future have taken a different path. I can complain and lament all I want but it is what it is and I will embrace it. I will take this unexpected turn on the road and make the most out of it. I will be a better person and enjoy what life holds out to me. I will give thanks for what I do have and not waste time on what I think may be missing.

Know that we can't always control what happens to us but we sure have the control to accept and enjoy and look at each day as a gift no matter what is handed to us. This is not as easy as it sounds and maybe it doesn't even sound easy to you. It didn't for me.

At one point I thought to myself that my life was on hold, that this Cancer put a stop to my life as I know it, but this is not true! I realize that I am still living my life everyday, I won't get back the days I don't feel well or the days that I am sad or mad. This is still my life, not on hold but on a different road.
So I will look at this unexpected journey with new eyes. I am on a trip and I will enjoy and savor each moment in time!

Enjoy the life you have and if you are not happy with it try to make some small changes daily. This is your life, each and every day. With the roads that we know and the ones that we don't ~life is an adventure to be enjoyed and savored!

I wish you twists and turns and love and laughter on your journey!!!!
Enjoy your life!!!! Have fun, smile, be kind and when you get to look back you will do so with a smile in your heart!