Thursday, August 11, 2011

A Meditation of Beets

My anxiety level was high, for a number of reasons, although I have been successfully denying this disease that I carry in my body it is time to take the "TESTS."

I have been off chemo for the summer. I decided to wait to have any operations, I made a deal with the doctors that I would return at the end of the summer, end of July is what they said, to take the tests.

Here it is the middle of August and I have an appointment almost every other day for something or other. So stress level is on "High Alert" as they say at the airport!

A few things, minor things put me over the edge today and here I was shaking and near tears, I need to calm myself down, distance myself from the drama that everyday life provides and quiet all those crazy voices in my heart and in my head.

It was too early for a vodka and cranberry, so I thought I would go sit in my voodoo room to try to get myself in a better place. I thought if that didn't work, I always can try the vodka.

The only problem was the beets.

I needed to roast a mountain of beets.

So instead of going up to my room, I went into the kitchen. I piled the tiny ruby beets on my counter, took out a variety of peelers, a knife and a cutting board.

I started peeling, on about the 4th or 5th beet I realized I was gripping the peeler and scraping the skins so viciously off the beets, it was as if the skin was 2 inches thick. My shoulders were crunched near my ears, my heart was still beating fast and my head was full of crazy nonsense, one thought after another circulating like buzzards on road kill.

I took a few deep breaths and concentrated on the beets, actually the beet in my hand, I dropped my shoulders consciously and watched myself peel, I slowed myself down, I looked at the shape of the beet, the way if I relaxed my grip, how easier it became to peel them. I looked at the beautiful beet red colors, sometimes rainbows with a white whirl, like a candy cane. I diced them carefully and methodically, holding each one like a precious globe.

I was in the moment. The moment of beets!

My heart slowed, my mind was filled with how to peel the beets. I realized that I made a meditation of this simple act. By paying attention to only what I was doing, bringing my thoughts to the color, texture and feel of my act, I had released the anxiety and calmed down enough to come up to my desk and write this blog.

I haven't written in a while and that is because the words wouldn't come. I tried several times to write a blog and it just wasn't happening.

No matter how much I try to push this away, these next few weeks will be very stressful.

Maybe I'll eat a lot of roasted beets!
Along with a vodka and cranberry with lime!!!

1 comment:

  1. Will be keeping good thoughts for you and also praying for you. Susan - it is always there with you no matter what you try to do to shove it down - cancer has a way of always creeping back into your thoughts. God bless you in the coming weeks. Diane, Garnet Valley, PA