I have not been feeling good for weeks now. Dry heaves, throwing up, exhaustion. I just couldn't shake it. I know I had a full week of doctors rests and visits coming up and Clint and I just looked at each other in tears and thought "How" how can I do this.
My week consisted of Monday~ oncologist visit, Tuesday~ Radiation Oncologist visit, also~ Interventional radiation visit.
Wednesday~ CT/PT scan, Thursday ~Flow study test. Every day in town for something else, long and laborious. I was dry heaving several times a day and without warning, taking my medicines but nothing was helping. I was in bed sick and tired.
On Monday when I went into see my oncologist, dry heaving and gagging the whole way, tears streaming down my face, he told Clint."I need to put her in the hospital. Go to the emergency at Jeff, I will call ahead."
I did not want to go to the hospital, not sure why but I did know now that I did not have a choice. As Clint drove up Broad Street to Jeff, I was upset but knew I had to do this.
We were admitted on Monday around 10 AM. I was placed a a emergency room and they started with the testing. I finally got a room around 6PM, busy, busy hospital.
My experience was nothing like I could imagine. My room was new, the nurses and doctors and right down to Transport, who take you from test to test. These people were wonderful, friendly. The thing I heard most other than,"Can I take your vital signs" was what can I do to make you feel better, make you comfortable, too cold? too hot? need water?
I stayed in the hospital until Friday. I kept spiking a 102.5 fever. They gave me every test know to man, I think. They checked my tummy and colon for a blockage, my gallbladder, a cat scan of my head, chest, abdomen. Blood work every day, of course done at 4 AM. Cultures, samples of anything that comes out of your body. I had so many tests I lost count.
From all this testing I did find out that the cancer is NO WHERE else. Only in my liver. Which makes me happy, because when you are feeling sick, every ache and pain is Cancer to you. All my doctors came to me in the hospital to meet and discuss my treatments and test results. These doctors are young, knowledgeable, confident and efficient right along with the nurses, they answered every question and put us at ease. I did have the Flow study, they go into the groin to see if they can find a path to the liver to inject the radioactive pellets that will "Kill" the Cancer. All went well with that too, they found a path. This was done under conscious sedation, which means you are awake, but you just don't care.
I have only one complaint during my 5 days there~ NO SLEEP. I know you hear this all the time but it is true. Every hour they came in for something else, usually starting at 10 PM or so, vital signs, blood cultures, heparin shot in the belly at 2 AM( not a fun way to wake up) chest ex ray, yes in the middle of then night, more vital signs, more blood, take your pills, no sleep for 5 days. When I left there on Friday night I wanted to go to bed for a week.
I came home tired but at least I knew that my whole body was scanned and tested and probed. I am scheduled for the radioactive pellets in two weeks time, if the insurance company approves it. I am tired, been sleeping non stop to try to catch up on my lost sleep, but I do not have dry heaves and I am feeling better every day.
Sometimes you think you know what is good for you but this was not the case. A visit to a Wonderful Hospital like Jefferson put my mind at ease and let me know that the medical profession still cares, while I am still be treated, this is very important to me.
I know it's been a awhile since I wrote but now you know why!
Thanks again for all the cards and notes I came home to, I really appreciate your love and hope in me.
My cousin Daniele from Italy, my Mom and my Dad, a favorite picture,having dinner at our home.
As a child when you fall you seem to bounce back up. I often watch children run and play, fall and tumble and get right back up with out a problem.
Falling for an adult is an entirely different experience.
I am not sure if it because we are less close to the ground or our bodies hurt more as we get older but I am here to tell you it is a traumatic experience.
This week around 12 noon or so, after I was finished with throwing up and getting my head on straight and not feeling dizzy, Clint and I decided to take me out. I have been in the house for what seemed like forever.
We drove to Lancaster to pick up some plants for the garden.
It was a wonderful day, we had fabulous lunch at a Greek place, I had grilled octopus and Skordia, a mashed potato dip, and feta cheese. We relaxed and talked and forget all about the cancer.
We drove to Lancaster and although it was a cool day, spent time at the nursery checking out trees and bushes. We came home with lots of containers of Scotch Broom, which I love.
The hour and a half ride home through the country side of Lancaster was beautiful. I was calm and collected and so happy to be out and gather flowers for my garden.
I made one major mistake, as we pulled into the driveway and parked, Clint said to me loud and clear, "Go inside and I will unload the truck". Me being me, who always helped, got out the truck way too fast, picked up a large container of Scotch broom. Little did I know the thing had wings, I got dizzy and it pulled me up the driveway, with Clint yelling all the time"what are you doing" he said I passed him at 100 miles an hour and thought, this is not good.
Never did I think to drop the flowers and roll on the grass. I hit knees hard on the asphalt, rolled over, my body in shock, pummeled my left side and started bawling hysterically. My good mood vanished with the drop of the Scotch broom. When Clint could get me off the ground, both knees bruised, couldn't walk, calmed me down somewhat and brought me upstairs.
The phone rang and it was my oncologist asking how I was doing~perfect timing~ I was a mess! I told him I just fell and he was very concerned, he wanted to see me, he wanted to put me in the hospital, he had been saying this for a week or more and I DID NOT want to go to the hospital. You know me and rejecting everything first! I was dehydrated and he ordered fluids. I went to see him today. We had a wonderfully long conversation as we talked about how I feel good for a day and bad for three days. I've been getting headaches which I hadn't before so more tests.
But, to tell you the truth I feel good today, I am sitting here writing a blog. I ate 3 meals without bringing it up. Could be the Cancer, could be the chemo, could be anxiety, could be the mini steroid I am taking. Who knows, at this point my least favorite thing is the steroids, so I will gradually remove them and go on. Today I feel like doing things, I will hope and yes, set my mind to~each day is special, feeling good or not!
Thanks Doc for taking the time to go through every possible question, concern and for being so compassionate, I am lucky to have you on my side.
I am blessed, I know I say that a lot but it is true.
I am surrounded by arms wide open and prayers and thoughts and love all around me.
I feel this every day, especially when I am sick and too tired to get out of bed. I think of my wonderful bedroom, where I have been spending most of my time (other than the bathroom floor), three beautiful windows that look out into the sky, my comfortable bed, and my husband that doesn't take his eyes off me.
Tina and Dominick are like Hawks, they follow my every move, they are my "watchers" too, I am Lucky indeed!
I am surrounded by love and hope and inspiration from all my clients who I really like to call my friends. That has what you become, my army of inspiration, the hands that hold me up and tell me it will be OK. All your wishes, cards and messages and hope for me is overwhelming. I am blessed, I am lucky.
I had a wonderful dinner with close family. We ate at my Mom's, she insisted. I have still been beleaguered with side effects, so I was happy to be at my Mom's. Everyone made something and it was wonderful. We talked, we argued, we laughed, we remembered my Dad. Another holiday thinking of him at the table, enjoying the meal and joking with everyone. In my heart he was there.
Next two weeks~ lots of tests and meeting with doctors. The chemo isn't working and they are proceeding with the Interventional Radiology. Those tiny pellets they put in the liver to kill it. I figure what the heck, they tried to burn them out, microwave really, it didn't work, they tired to poison them out with high does of chemo, that didn't work so now they want to radiate them out. What the heck, go with the flow!
Speaking of flow, before this happens they will do a FLOW STUDY to see if they can get the pellets where they want them. That is on April 26. Operation is May10 if that works out.
I am feeling better every day. Still have some really bad days but I can see I am coming out of this, thank goodness, it has been a long road and I want me back.
I thank each and everyone of you who has thought about me or sent me a note(love those notes) couldn't do this without family and friends. So THANK YOU I wish you a blessed and peaceful Spring.
I am an optimistic and happy person.. I would rather see life as exciting and challenging and enjoy every minute than dwell on the negative .. I love to cook and have my family around .. big family dinners and celebrations are always held in my home.. I have a huge table 10 feet long ..filled with food and family.. I have learned many of my mom's old recipes and try to recreate many of the dishes I grew up with .. I am teaching my grandsons to cook .. they love it! I have a wonderful,happy, loving relationship with my husband. He supports me in everything I do and is my biggest fan and taste tester.. he loves all things Italian too!
I love to cook, write, eat and laugh .. I wrote a cookbook in 2004.. the title? LIVE,LAUGH,COOK! what else!