Friday, March 30, 2012


No miracle yet, but I believe.

I just finished watching a movie called "Tangled".
It is a Walt Disney movie based on Rapunzel. I put it on for the kids, their request but I finished watching the movie myself. I couldn't tear myself away.

Of course it started as almost all movies do, the good guys and the bad guys. It was an intriguing story, as the characters worked their way through situation after situation, always trying no matter what.
At the end, as the good guys won and the brightly lit lanterns filled the sky (I can't tell you everything!) It brought tears to my eyes (been emotional lately). I realized that no matter what, no matter the MRI or PT scans or cancer or feeling bad, it was up to me to be happy. Each and every day. It was my choice.

I closed my eyes and thought, none of us know the future, so I might as well be the best I can be even if it is not as I was 2 years ago. I can still be filled with joy as the sun rises and I see a new day, It can make my heart sing to see the flowers of spring bursting all over, I am happy to be surrounded by such a overwhelming show of love and support and prayers. I can say that  I kiss each one of you that send a card, email or anything, I bless you and love you, it helps me every day.

And so for the MRI report.

I went yesterday with high hopes in my heart but not on my face. I was nervous, tired, still not feeling well and not knowing if I could do another chemo.
Clint and I waited in the doctors office for him to come in a read the report.
He came in closed the door and looked utterly perplexed. He said to me" Susan the report indicates that you have had a mixed response to therapy" what this means is that the large tumor that they were targeting with the chemo has responded and shrunk about the size of a dime. It went from 12 cm to 9 cm. BUT, there is always a but, more tumors have pooped up, small but new. HOW CAN THAT HAPPEN??????? while killing one, more show up???

He said he has to think about this and seeing how sick I was he took me off this type of chemo. It is not working he said. He told me he will consult with the other doctors and get back to me by Monday.
I went home tired, scared and relived to tell the truth, at least I have some time to recover and get my spirit and strength back.
This news brought me down yesterday but when I woke up this morning I thought"no one knows the future" I will continue to believe in my miracle and think the best will happen no matter what, I do believe this to be true!!
And so like Tangled I will know that the good guys will win!!!!I am a good guy!!!

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Tough three weeks

I am scheduled for chemo tomorrow. My oncologist gave me off last week again.

I had a tough time. As I said before this chemo is cumulative and each time I get infused it gets worse. I had severe dry heaves, nausea, getting up in the middle of the night to throw up, just awful, violent really. I had tears in my eyes most of the past three weeks. It is hard not to, between having the runs one day, having constipation the next day, that is another thing that just throws you right off. I was dehydrated and the doctor sent 4 bags of fluids, I was re-accessed and I gave myself those fluids. They made me feel a little better but the tiredness and the wanting just to throw up all the time is so taxing.

Yesterday, 3 weeks after chemo I started to feel like myself again, just thinking about things I want to do made me feel better. I had my MRI yesterday, a beautiful day spent downtown in a waiting room for 6 hours. I won't know the results until maybe tomorrow when I go back for my chemo.
I am expecting a miracle. Really I am. This chemo has been so tough it has to be tough on my cancer too, wouldn't you think?

Some days I am down and this is one of them. This is not a joyful blog, it is one of tears, tiredness, and I just want this to be over. It is how I feel, not everyday, but these times when I am waiting for a scan result, it wears on me. 
Thank you, everyone for all the support, cards, prayers, thoughts, notes. It really helps me.I appreciate it all.

Friday, March 16, 2012

A Magnificent Inheritance

As a little girl I also knew how lucky I was. I had a stay at home Italian mother who cooked every meal, every day.
For breakfast I had fried eggs cooked in olive oil with crunchy toasted Italian bread to dip, I had hot lunches when I came home from school at noon.
I had wonderful dinners with my family.
My mother was and is still a magnificent cook. My dad would work late at the Barber shop and get home around 7 PM, we had all eaten but we would sit at the linen laid table while he had a wonderful hot meal. Toasted bread, a glass of wine, a fresh green salad and my mom would usually make 3 other things, a pasta, a meat and a vegetable. It was always wonderful.
As my dad retired, while he was still able to drive they would go out and eat for lunch. When his driving abilities disappeared she made a hot fabulous lunch for him every day.  I live only a half a block away and if I stopped at lunch I would find them facing each other at the table with their glass of wine laughing, enjoying each other and reminiscing of old time.  She would always add a chair and I would join them.
When my dad passed in November, a few days afterwards, my mom said to me" I am not cooking anymore" I couldn't believe my ears. "Mom you are a wonderful cook, everyone loves your cooking and you love to do it"
Well the world works in strange ways. Soon after my dad passed I had some tests that indicated the cancer was back with a force, I was not eating and losing weight fast. This upset my mother greatly and she started to invite us to a hot lunch at 1 PM everyday so I was sure to eat. Clint and I are not picky eaters but eating my mothers food is like dining at a fine Italian restaurant in Italy daily.
We are in heaven, I stopped losing weight, Clint has the biggest smile on his face and we get to spend all that quality time with my mom. Stuffed cabbage, roasted chicken and potatoes, veal in a lemon sauce, meatballs an gravy meat, roasted sausage unbelievable stuff!
She is a strong women and everyday I see her she amazes me more.
She talks about past, present and future with no problems at all, her memory is unbelievable, her desire to shop and travel and gamble at the casino is phenomenal AND We have inherited my fathers wonderful gift of my Mothers food!
Every day during my treatment I try to change my thoughts to something positive and bright. This is my gift. I am truly blessed by this. Thanks Mom!!!!

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Sick sick sick

I've been sick since last week. Sick Sick Sick. The doctor gave me a week off to get back to normal but I had only one day. I went out on Friday with my mom and Clint for a short time and then stayed in bed the rest of the time. When I went for chemo on Thursday he suggested another week off to recover.
This is a serious drug, this is a nasty drug, it is cumulative. Every week it makes you weaker and weaker. He wants to do a serious of test as well, an MRI next week so I thought that if I didn't feel good all last week maybe I should just get on with it and so I did. I got chemo again on Thursday.
It put me down, I was and still am not feeling good. Just sick, queasy, nauseous, dry heaves, tired, tired tired, no other way to say it 24 hours a day. Almost too tired to take a shower at night. I need a rest just to think about going to the bathroom!
I have not read emails in so long, my desk is a big mess, I know I wanted to write a blog but couldn't think straight.
I was reaccessed and given 2 liters of fluids and also a steroid for my nausea that I hope is working.
I just want to feel better. These gorgeous days outside with the spring breeze and all the flowers~ I want to be outside!
So just an update. Still sick, still fighting, still positive, still OK but CAN"T wait to get better real soon!
Thanks for all the prayers and love!

Saturday, March 3, 2012

"So, you want me to SPRING you?"

That is what my doctor said to me on Thursday.

I had my port accessed, they drew my blood, took my vitals, lost 2 more pounds. I spoke with the assistant to the Doctor, as we talked I asked if the doctor would consider giving me a week more to recover. She felt like he would agree. My blood work was all low,not low enough for another blood infusion but still lower than it should be, my body was still making blood but all numbers were low enough for me to feel this exhausted.
As my oncologist discussed everything he felt it was a good idea to get me back to my old self before going on, another week to recover would be fine he said. We will do another infusion next Thursday.
I felt such relief, I went home to bed I was so happy!
I had to get out of the house, so yesterday Clint took my mom and I out to Booth's corner where we walked around and bought odds and ends, then we went to lunch, then home to bed. But it was such a nice day.
We enjoyed ourselves, I got out of the house, today I am even feeling just a little bit better, I am happy!
Thanks again for all the notes you've been sending, I keep every single one. I love them, I am blessed in so many ways!!! thank you.