Saturday, May 29, 2010

What I know for sure

I am borrowing a phrase from Oprah this week to sum up my feeling.

My feeling are overwhelming so I will begin with what I know for sure.

I know for sure that this week flew by... before I knew it Saturday was here. I have had a week of doctors appointments and also daily radiation treatments.
I saw the surgeon on Thursday and also had an examination from the Radiation oncologist ... both in the same day... talk about not wanting to sit down!!! it was not fun. But the truth is I could get a laugh from it which helped tremendously.

I am halfway through this part of my treatment.. down hill from here! 3 more weeks to go~YEA!

I know for sure that I am doing this... I can do this... I still feel good most days.. I still have my sense of humor... I am still eating... I am still cooking.... I am still living my life as best I can while going through this part of my treatment.

I know for sure that all the connections I have made with my clients, many who are friends now... the people who come to my classes, the people who have used my catering services over these past 24 years ...come on my culinary neighbors, my family, all the people I do business with~ there is a real connection there. So many of you expressed love, support, hope, encouragement, laughter into my life.
I have heard from so many of you, some long letters, others notes or emails... cards, flowers, food in my doorway, candles, plants, stopping by to give me a hug. The support is overwhelming and so much appreciated and yes, needed! It helps ... it really does and I am so thankful.

I know for sure that I wait patiently but also pacing the floor on Saturday mornings when I am scheduled for a disconnect from my chemo pump.
The visiting nurses are so kind but beyond that, they are informative and oh so smart. I am given basic usable information from these nurses. Info I can use, tips that help the day to day issues that arise from these treatments.
This is the hands on, go- to, ask questions type of nursing that is invaluable to me.

The doctors give me worse case scenario, they give me medical facts and sketch out the next year, but it is the nurses who sit down and talk heart to heart. Who will give me a hug when my eyes well up with tears, letting me know what to expect and give me the tools to help the situations that will come up. God Bless these nurses!

I know for sure that I look at every day as a gift, not because I think my life is over but because I know that life is precious. I know that every rain drop, every sunbeam, every flower is a gift.
I don't waste time on wishing how things could be or what was or even looking too far ahead. I live in the now. I live in this moment in time. I try to let go of insecurity, of anger, of anything that may bother me because~ you know what~ it just isn't worth it. All good things will come to me if I choose to see it that way. Life is a lesson in how to live in the moment. HERE~ NOW this is your life! I try to make the most of it.

I know for sure that laughter is the best medicine. When I laugh all is OK. I try to find humor in every day moments. As I lay face down on the radiation table, my whole body draped except my rear end (which is bare and sticking up) I ask the Radiation Techs if they want me to smile!!! Now that is funny. OK maybe only to me but hey-it works!

I know for sure that this will make me stronger, better, it will give me material for my cooking classes, it will give me a year to truly know what is really important to me. It will make me realize just how many people I have inspired to LIVE, LAUGH & COOK!

Sunday, May 23, 2010

YEA~ it's me!!!!


I just had to write again after the last post.

I was feeling grumpy and down in the dumps yesterday and I know that it is all OK and I will have those days but I have to write to say that this morning I woke up to ME again!

What a relief!! I was dragging yesterday and thought I would never have any energy again but I came home and took a long hot shower (something I have not been able to do all week because of the port) Soaking in a tub not filled all the way with water is not fun! nor is it relaxing!!

What I needed was a long hot shower and a nice fluffy bed & a win for the Flyers. I had all 3 last night and woke up to the sound of rain showers on a quiet Sunday morning.

I feel like myself. I feel good, I have energy and I made a great breakfast and then off to a Pirate party for my grandson where we all had hooks and mustaches and I could be a wench for a day... it was great fun and just what I needed to lighten up my mood.

Tomorrow back down to JEFF for more blood work and radiation and the 3rd hook up for Chemo... next week I will be half way.

Thanks so much for all your kind words and positive thoughts... they are a huge help to me!

GO FLYERS!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, May 22, 2010


Well the second week is down and 4 more to go.

This week was about feelings and emotions for me. My emotions were all over the place.

One of the things I love about my life most is the energy I bring to every situation. I am a very high energy person. Moving through life at a fast pace and enjoying every single second of that energy!

I think that is why I was feeling so down this week.

I want to feel like myself again. I want to jump out of bed in the morning.. run up the stairs when I need to, cook and do all the things I have done my whole life.
But guess what??? it is not going to happen.

I am tired.

Tired really don't describe it well at all.. weary is more like it.
Like I am underwater or in quick sand- all my movements are slow. I am dragging.
I sleep and I take a nap but when I wake up I feel the same. The nap does not revive me. A whole nights' sleep does not take away the weariness.

This bothers me more than anything ..I know it is all the drugs in my system.. it is Chemo Therapy after all, and the daily radiation just heightens the side effects.
That slow steady 24/7 drip is the reason for this fatigue I feel.
They warned me ... told me about this side effect but I thought me??- no way~ I am in too good shape, I am strong, I will fight through this.

There is no fight and if there was I am definitely on the losing side.

So only 2 weeks into this and I want it to be over. I know this is probably normal, who wants to go through this?

All in all this week did go by fast and I still have my sense of humor.. thank goodness.
I still have my appetite and I am still me. I've lost minimal weight and all my blood work is good. So the important things are OK.

I am happy to have 2 days off. No Chemo bag hanging on me .. no radiation visits every day, 2 days of just being able to wake up and get up and not worrying about pulling the needle out of the port or being queasy, 2 days of relaxing, 2 days of freedom.

Two days to feel normal.

Friday, May 14, 2010

One week down!

One week down and 5 more to go!

Wow I have to say that this week sure flew by and if this is any indication of the weeks ahead~ I am one very happy women!

I am receiving radiation five day's week for 6 week along with Chemo that is given through a pump that is attached on Monday and Removed on Saturday morning. The chemo is delivered through a port placed surgically in my chest.

That took some getting use to!~ I feel like Dr.Octopus in Spider Man 2. Especially when I lay on the radiation table face down and just hear clicking and laser sounds! I am the star in my own Super Hero movie! Now if I could fly~that would be wonderful!

But in a way I am flying. This experience can be traveled with hurt and sorrow or it can be thought of as a gift to learn, to look at the world differently, to be so very grateful for EVERYONE and I do mean everyone in my life. I get a chance to take some time to take care of me, to look at a sunny day and a rainy one with wonder and gratitude. To slow down a bit... to eat my mom's cooking, to talk to my kids everyday and spend joyful time with my grand kids! To spend every second of every day in the presence of my wonderful husband. He has not left my side~ we are in the together as is my whole family. I am so lucky to have all of this. It is a gift.

Now, I am not saying that I haven't cried by myself and also with others because I have... I have a sadness in my heart for my body and what it is going through but once the tears are done I am smiling again. I love to smile, I am a happy person who loves to laugh and smile. That is in my favor and I know that.

I want to thank everyone so very, very much for all the emails and thoughts and prayer list and white light and just for being there for me. It is a great feeling and one that I use everyday to make myself better. THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010


Today is the day I start my battle.

I will be starting my chemo & radiation treatments today and they will go on for 6 weeks.
An operation will follow sometime in the summer along with more chemo, but I am taking one day at a time! Remember"This moment in time!"

It is a relief in some ways to get this started. I think I have gone through every test they can possibly think of and then some!

My spirits are good and every night I think of just how lucky I really am.

My life is lived day by day. I have a positive outlook and I am a happy person. I have so many wonderful people in my life and that includes not only my family but everyone I have met through my catering and cooking classes & culinary tours! The support and good wishes that are being sent my way is paving a wide bright future for me. I love you all!

I see the good side of this experience. I realize that my life has been touched by so many people.
Now I will have the opportunity to slow down for a little while as I concentrate on beating this. I know my healthy outlook and my exuberance for life will shine through.

I realize just how many people are out there that I know! Some of you have my cookbook or have been to my classes. But I know that you are cooking good food and living your life with gusto!

So remember to live your life today~ be kind to yourself and others... what you put out there surely does come back to you!!!

AND~I don't want to preach but GO GET YOUR COLONOSCOPY!!!!!

You need to take care of yourself!! don't delay ~don't wait.. it doesn't get better on it's own.. you have to take a pro-active stance with your health... your health is everything!!! nothing else matters if you are not feeling well!!

Take care of YOU!!! you deserve it!
love to all!!!