Uncertainty

This week is an emotional roller coaster ride.

Tests, needles, radioactive dye shot into my veins for two days, thoughts that I try to keep at bay, emotions that I try to keep under control, tears that I close my eyes tightly against. I am trying my best to push it all away, not think about it, not think too far ahead, trying to enjoy just the moments, trying to breath through the fear.

I woke up early to write, that always helps me clear my mind. Today it brought things into focus.

I sat by my window as a storm raged outside, thunder and lightening and heavy rains were my companions as I scribbled on my pad of paper. I sat in stillness and let the rain wash away my thoughts, clear my head, open my heart, loosen the tightness lodging there. It is a temporary fix I know.

My oncologist has a heart. He knows I've been getting my tests, he knows my appointment with him and the other doctors is not until next week, he knows the anxiety and stress these scans produce. He calls me everyday with results, so I don't have to wait in silence.

"The blood work is normal" he tells me, nothing is elevated, all my numbers are good. A big sigh of relief on my part.

"The next day brought unwanted news from the MRI. "The spot on your liver has tripled in size" he tells me. Once the size of a dime it is now a silver dollar. Funny, but on my desk, right in front of me is a very old silver dollar, edges worn smooth, the face almost gone, minted in 1885, it is a silver dollar that my father carried with him since he came to America in 1953. I remember it as a child, always in his pocket, a good luck piece, to remind him that he was always wealthy no matter what. My mom gave it to me a few years ago and it sits on my desk, front and center. I look at the silver dollar and now know the size of that spot on my liver.

Yesterday was the PT/CAT scan, today at some point I know the doctor will call.

My stomach is in knots, no matter how hard I try to calm myself down, make light of it or wish it away.

Did I expect good news with Cancer? did I expect a miracle? My answer to that is YES, I did. Why would I expect the worst, think bad thoughts? It is not in my nature and does not serve me well, and so my optimism was up, my hopes high. At this point I don't have the whole picture yet and when I do I will go from there. I know that worry never served a good purpose, doesn't change a thing and does me no good. I will gather all the info and make decisions then. I will go on with my life, make plans, make love, make food.

As a matter of fact that sounds like a good plan to me.

“Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude.” ~Denis Waitley