Edgy

I just read somewhere that when you are in a state of "on hold" it can make you feel edgy and in turmoil.

So that's what is wrong with me!

I have been in that state for a few weeks now.

On hold waiting for the liver surgeon to get back to me with results.
On hold as I waited for the scheduler to get back from vacation.
On hold now as I wait to schedule surgery, last week was Rosh Hashnnah, the doctors were unavailable.

I am in some sort of "learning mode" the universe is trying to teach me patience.
It is making me more impatient!

Trying to stay busy, I am leaving no room in my mind to "not think", no room for clarity, no room to listen for the answers to the questions of my soul. I realize now I am narrowly focused, making my life harder, my choices difficult, I need to step back, get a wider perspective on what is going on.

My decisions have changed daily, with me see-sawing back and forth, surgery? no surgery? Although the thought of surgery is frightening, the very thought of NOT having the surgery, letting that spot grow inside me, is even more frightening.

So I called to schedule, but once again I was on hold, it was a Jewish holiday last week and the doctors were not to be found, more waiting but hey I am getting good at this!
Hopefully someone will get back to me tomorrow as promised with some answers.

Dealing with Cancer doesn't come with an instruction video, although I think that might be a good idea. I realize that every person is different, each decisions is personal.
I need to stop, breath, clear my mind and have peace in my life.
That peace of mind will come once this spot is "OUTTA HERE" as Harry Kalas used to say!

I will continue on my healthy path, doing what is good for my body and I will have the spot removed from my liver, just as soon as I can. When I spoke to the scheduler she told me the doctors do this type of surgery only twice a month, every other Thursday and October is booked so this may not come as soon as I thought but at least I will be on the schedule and my mind will have a break from the "business" of thinking and trying to figure everything out!