One leg at a time

Getting dressed this morning I realized, as I put my pants on that I had to step into them one leg at a time. I put one leg in my pants and had to pause to regain my balance before I could step into the other pant leg.

I realize that life is like this. Make a move, a decision, a step, then pause to regain my balance in life, in decisions, in feelings, in emotion, in life and then make the other move.

Only after regaining my perspective, the balance in my soul and in my heart, can I make the other move. If I don't stop to take a breath, to look at what I am doing, how it will affect me and my life, I will tumble.

We all need balance in our lives and going too fast, speeding up the process of life will not do it. We will be wobbly, uncertain, confused and make a hasty and wrong choice.

We need time and space to look at our moves, our choices, our actions, evaluate and then go on.

I am doing that right now.

It is a scary prospect, let me tell you. Sometimes I just want to move fast without thinking, go to the next step without evaluation, just on trust alone.
The trust we put, not in ourselves, but in others, people in authority, like doctors, and people that we put in charge, people that we think know better than us, we trust and we trust blindly sometimes.

I am at this point.

"You Have Cancer"

The three most frightening words anybody can hear. It puts you in a tailspin, turns your world upside down. You are faced, head on with your death.

I did what most of you would do when facing this situation, I contacted the best and most well know hospital and doctors I could, I made all my appointments and followed their every suggestion, when I questioned their methods or drugs or therapy or tests I was told, "This is the best we have at this point"
I believed them, I followed the path they set for me diligently, faithfully. They have my best interests at heart.
My feeling have not changed about that, I do think they are doing the best they can in this current "health system" we have but this pause, this break, this time I had to think while the Liver surgeon got back to me turned my mind to maybe an alternative, a different approach, a holistic approach.

I went through the drugs, the chemo twice, the nasty stuff, the radiation, the medicines that made my body sick, I still have side effects to prove it.

I want to "fix" this with less invasive measures than taking out my rectum or carving up my liver.

It is a scary decision. I want to get this right, I wish I had a crystal ball but I don't, I need to make choices based on information and gut feelings. I want to live, to survive and from what I read and hear, I can live with this.

I can't ignore it, won't go away on its on, I have to "do" something and maybe it is time to take that break between pant legs, pause, get my balance before moving on.
Is it the right decision? who knows? certainly the doctors with all their medicines and study still can't promise or guarantee anything. There are no guarantees, just mindful decisions.

So I am at the crossroads, I will give myself a few months for a "Holistic approach", alternative medicine, kinder, gentler to my body and hope for the very very best.