I can wish it away, I can meditate it away, I can ignore it, but it always sneaks into my consciousness. Stress, that dramatic, nagging, good for nothing feeling of stress.
Two weeks worth of doctors visits and tests and more tests. Waking up at 3 AM, eyes wide open, heart beating fast, wondering what the heck is going on. Breathing my way to a peaceful place each and every chance I get.
Friday was my last follow up. I can now let out a sigh of relief.
A visit with the colon surgeon was everything I expected and more. (Remind me to pick a colon surgeon with small hands next time! he has hands like a catcher's mitt!) He did manage to sit and talk to me before and after his extensive exam, but the man wants to cut. He actually said "I am a surgeon, that is what I do."
As he was looking feeling and probing, he kept saying "Susan, you are a problem"
My problem being that there was nothing there, nothing to see, nothing to feel and let me tell you, it was not from NOT TRYING! He was on a treasure hunt! (sorry~ humor helps me!)
When all was said and done and I was upright again, he said "I can take out your rectum" WHAT!!!???
First time I heard that, before it was just a piece of my colon, now he wants the whole sha-bang! For the life of me I can't understand why he would want to do that and I asked him point blank." I want to be aggressive, you are young, you are healthy and you responded wonderful to chemo, this would be an aggressive approach."
When asked if it were his wife instead of me, he said he would do the same thing but "boy would she be mad if the pathology report can back negative."
I'd bet she would be! So would I!!!!
I was so flustered when I left I forgot to ask him if he would replace my rectum with a new model, or don't I need one or what!?!!?
My other option would be just to keep an eye out, meaning coming back for tests every 3 to 4 months, which is what I have to do anyway for the rest of my life. He doesn't suggest a biopsy to confirm if there is Cancer there, he wouldn't know what to biopsy because he can't see anything there anymore.
My next visit was to the liver surgeon. He was a little more direct in outlining my choices and there was no exam so I wasn't so stressed.
Once again, he gave me choices. Let both liver & colon be and just keep an eye out, go in a take out the spots on the liver or have the major operation with both surgeons there at the same time to take their turn. He defended taking out my rectum, stating that it is the most direct and aggressive approach I can take. Although he agreed that it is major surgery with risks involved and a colostomy, which may or may not be reversible. (What fun!)
He told me to enjoy my holiday weekend. Yea, bring on the vodka and cranberry!
If I decide to take care of the spot on my liver I need to get an ultrasound to give him a map of my liver, this will determine how he goes in, whether lapriscopically or with a larger incision.
Although, they both suggested I take my time in making my decision, before I left the office I knew what I wanted to do. I go with my gut (is that a pun or what?)
I feel great, I feel like myself, I have my energy, my ambition, my enthusiasm for life is in full swing. I feel too good to be sick.
So I am going with just the liver, door number one please.
In two weeks I will go for the ultrasound of the liver, my operation will be minor instead of major. I will be back on my feet in days not months. I feel at peace with my choice.
I am living my life one moment at a time. One glorious day at a time. Enjoying every second, every task, every smile. I savor and relish my home, my friendships, my family, my cooking, my work. I love my life. I am optimistic always, this is a good thing!
Thank you for all the wishes and thoughts and prayers.You are on this journey with me and I am so happy I am not alone.
I am an optimistic and happy person.. I would rather see life as exciting and challenging and enjoy every minute than dwell on the negative .. I love to cook and have my family around .. big family dinners and celebrations are always held in my home.. I have a huge table 10 feet long ..filled with food and family.. I have learned many of my mom's old recipes and try to recreate many of the dishes I grew up with .. I am teaching my grandsons to cook .. they love it! I have a wonderful,happy, loving relationship with my husband. He supports me in everything I do and is my biggest fan and taste tester.. he loves all things Italian too!
I love to cook, write, eat and laugh .. I wrote a cookbook in 2004.. the title? LIVE,LAUGH,COOK! what else!