Thursday, November 17, 2011

feeling blue

My feelings mirror this day~ dreary, sad and wet.

What I am going through is so much more than just Cancer. It affects me not only physically but mentally, financially, emotionally, right down into my soul. There are fears and lots of tears. I feel I am recovering slowly from this operation, whether it be from the anesthesia or the drugs or the trauma that my body went through, I am not sure. I just know I am not myself. It is hard to heal physically when the emotional side is down in the dumps.

This rainy day is perfect for spending in bed but it hurts to lay down so I am here at my computer working and writing. Trying to pick myself up and dust myself off and start all over again.

I was writing this morning and a phrase that I was using before this operation came to mind. The Doctor said to me before we went into the operating room "see you on the other side".

I am thinking, will I get to the other side of this or am I still in it? I want to move forward, move ahead, move past this. I want to be on the other side. I want to be myself again. My happy, positive self.
Seems the mountain is high this time. My body is a package, not only the physical but the mental, the emotional all wrapped into one, each healing at a different pace.

I desperately want to put this behind me, I am still scheduled for the testing to see what they got and what they didn't, so it still seems like this is hanging over my head.
Clint, in trying to help me said, we only have now, we are in a holding pattern, nothing more to do right now, he is right. I need to listen to my heart and to my own words too. Just enjoy this moment in time. Take each day as a gift.

We are so lucky, we get a new fresh start every morning, every day, to make it better, to change, to rest, to heal. Each day is a gift.
I will be back to me, I know I will. I am a strong women, a tough cookie as Clint says. This will pass and it will be OK. I know it will.
I am surrounded by love and support and and I truly have so much in my life.

So I am concentrating on my blessings, which are many and getting better and being me again.


  1. GraceAnn De Cesaris ChambersNovember 17, 2011 at 6:40 AM

    YOu are a tough sweet warm cookie - get better - feel better - we're waiting with you!

  2. Susan, first can I say, you are a beautiful writer. You have a wonderful voice in your writing. Thank you for your voice. I can offer you these words which have helped me so often.. God will not abandon you, God is holding you in His arms, surrender yourself to God's Love and Providence.

  3. dear susan,

    by writing you are already getting into yourself again, as you have this special way of writing, so beautiful, so true, so much.. you in every single word. you are just so special. you are, you just are. here and now.

    love you so much! sara