Thursday, July 7, 2011

Sitting on my shoulder

I've been off chemo treatments since early Spring when I decided to wait to have any operations or further testing. I needed a break, I needed to feel like myself again before I could go on. It has almost been four months, I've tried to stay busy during this time, doing cooking classes and demos and working as much as I could.

I was determined to live my life now, not put anything on hold, no more waiting, putting off, holding my breath.

These past few weeks I can truly say I've been feeling like me, most of the symptoms are gone, just a few remaining, numbness in my feet and toes, still some burning, believe it or not from the radiation I received last year. I still get tired rather easily and my strength is not what it use to be but all in all I feel great. Clint tells me everyday how good I look, bless his heart, and I've gained back the weight I lost (oh darn!)

Without the weekly doctors visits and testing I almost feel like I don't have Cancer. I've kept busy and tried to regain my life back, it is so easy to think that this was all a bad dream, that I am cured, that this is all behind me. I want to think and believe that but during the quiet times, standing in the shower, when my head touches my pillow at night, when I first wake up, the Cancer comes back. It is sitting on my shoulder, hiding in the closet, waiting, watching, ready to pounce.

One phone call can bring Cancer to the forefront, a call from the oncologist reminding me about my appointments, a letter coming in the mail containing all the scripts for my PT/CT scan, Liver MRI, Blood work which will be scheduled in August. A call to schedule my doctors' visits, this reminds me that no, this is not over.

As much as I wish it was.

Cancer sits on my shoulder, mocking me, threatening me, scaring me to death.

I feel too good to be sick, to have Cancer. I go back to my original thought "I am too healthy!!! ~you have the WRONG person!!"

I do realize that my life is changed forever, that I will be followed by these thoughts no matter how far I push them from my mind, they are always creeping in, reminding me of my mortality, the frailness of life.

"Live in the Moment"~ so here I am in my moment of fear but this will pass and I will go on smiling and happy and worry about it tomorrow or the next day, just like Scarlet O'Hara in Gone with the Wind!


  1. Obviously, I need to pray harder so that one day very soon you'll be saying all of this cancer stuff in the past tense.... and you will be for certain!

  2. Hi Susan: you are right. You wake up with the thought and you go to sleep with the thought. Even years from now, if you get a twitch or a pain, you will always think the worst. It is a natural thing. Praying for you and for peace of mind. Diane, Garnet Valley, PA