Sunday, January 1, 2012

Hope in 2012

I've been spiraling downward. These past weeks have been very tough. No matter that each morning I say to myself~"today will be a good day" my days were filled with sleep, tears and hopelessness. This is not me, I couldn't get out of bed, I had no desire to do anything. I trudged through whatever chores I had and got to the point where I just could not do anything at all. My symptoms were real. I have a queasy tummy and feel I can get sick at any minute. I have a bad taste in my mouth, I had to force myself to drink even water. I've lost over 10 pounds these past weeks. My exhaustion was overwhelming. I was so so tired. Even after more then 12 to 14 hours sleep I could crawl back into bed.

This week everything came to a point where all I was doing was crying in bed, both Clint and I were scared. I called the doctors, was this the Cancer? what was happening to me?
My surgeon and all his staff was on vacation, his nurse called me back and talked to me for a few minutes, her suggestion was that I was depressed and I should get my regular Doctor to give me a prescription for Lexapro, an anti depressant.

My oncologist called back and asked to see me the next day.

I dragged myself out of bed and went to see him. He, too felt depression had a big part in what I was feeling, he gave me the script for Lexapro along with other medications to help with the symptoms. He also said something that not only scared the hell out of me but made me want to get sick right there and then.
"I want to put you on another 7 months of chemo". He feels that some of the symptoms are related to the Cancer and that I would feel better on chemo.

I couldn't believe my ears, feel better on Chemo??!! I am feeling weak and down and I cannot imagine going on a 7 month duration of something that makes me weaker and more fragile. He told me it was up to me and made a follow up appointment for this Friday.

I am overwhelmed, overwhelmed with sadness and grief and hopelessness and tears. This is not me. what happened? how did I get to this point? what can I do to change this around?
I took the lexapro for 3 days an then decided I can't do this, this is not who I am. I need to make changes in my life to turn this around. I need to make a list of the things I know will make me feel better and try to do as much as I can each and every day.

I sat at my desk and wrote that list.
Write, Meditate, Stretch, Walk, Eat Fruit, Heal, be Kind to me, give myself the time to grieve, the time to heal.
Each day I open my eyes and though I just want to stay in bed, I get up, I write, something I have been neglecting lately, I meditate, I do a few yoga poses -the ones I know, I bundle up and walk with my face towards the sun. I nibble on fruit, I drink water, I get a massage. I lay down when I can't stand up anymore. I am trying with all my heart to change this around, without drugs, without pills, without chemo, but with hope.

This is not easy, but I take one moment at a time, hoping that each day I will feel a little better.
I have such love and support surrounding me and I am grateful for it all. There are angels in my life who are there to help me and I thank you, I can't do this alone.
So I have hope for this year~2012, hope that I will pull myself up, that I will get through this tough time, that I can come back to myself and smile and laugh again, and get out of bed!

I wish you love and peace and health this new year, I wish you moments filled with family and those that are dear to you. I wish you moments of time, each special, each magical.


  1. You are a brave woman with a tremendous amount to offer. I am sending you some light and prayers and strength so that today will be lighter than yesterday; one day at a time. Great love to you and your support team. Dawn

  2. I pray for you every day Susan. Depression is very common with a serious illness. I, like you, cried all the time. My sister-in-law finally talked me into taking an anti-depressant. I took it to get over the rough patch and it helped greatly. Did not take it for a long time. Be good to yourself. Like the medicals told me - they do not give out medals for bravery - if the meds help, take them. I wish you luck in your chemo decision. Hard choices. God bless you.
    Diane, Garnet Valley, PA

  3. dear susan,

    we send you all your prayers and love. you are more than your pain, you are love and you got from Armando the best one could, resilience. light is shining in you, all our love