Saturday, January 7, 2012

Wooden Nickles

There is a saying that I have heard through the course of my life.

Whenever I asked Clint to do something that was quite literally impossible, he would say to me~
"What do you want me to do, stand on my head and spit wooden nickles?"

When I asked him what this meant, he told me he really didn't know but to me it was doing something that was quite impossible to do.

So this thought comes to mind as I go through this really difficult time in my life.

What am I expecting? how can I get through this? can I do it by myself? with no help?
I realized this week that it was like spitting wooden nickles, it is impossible to get through this myself. I need a little help.

After much thought and anguish and many many tears I decided to take the Lexapro. To help me through this, to get me back to me. I will continue my routine of writing, walking, stretching and eating healthy too.
I also decided against another 7 months of Chemo. I am in too weak a state right now, it could only do harm in my eyes, not help me. The mere thought of chemo makes me ill.

As I spoke to my oncologist yesterday, he agreed with what I wanted to do but also ordered another MRI for this week and an appointment with yet another Doctor, a radiation oncologist, my team of doctors grow by the minute. I will follow his suggestions and keep up with my Cancer, do what I have to do to manage it but also keeping my well being in mind too.

I feel at peace with my decision and this morning is the first morning I woke up almost feeling like myself again.
I am determined to make 2012 a good year no matter what. I intend to live my life moment by moment and try not to look too far ahead, enjoy all that I have and keep my family close.
I've had so much support from friends and clients through email, phone calls and cards and notes, each and everyone on has helped me with my decisions, your stories and support help me everyday and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

There is no better feeling in the world than to know you are not alone, that people are there for you and have gone before you and can understand what I am going through because they have been there themselves. It is the tide that carries me though everyday.
I thank God for the Guardian Angels in my life. I know my Dad is one of them too. He is there for me, helping me through this, guiding me along. His wisdom comes to me daily.

So I am on the road to recovery, no doubt it will be a long and winding road but I have help and guidance and love and support. I am lucky, I am blessed and I am grateful.

Thank you!


  1. I use the "spitting wooden nickles" expression too. I too don't know what it means but I know sometimes I get so angry that I could "spit wooden nickles"...

    Hopefully, this beautiful day we are having makes you feel 200% better!!!

  2. Susan - I am so sorry to learn of the anguish and pain you have recently experienced. You are such a wonderful person, full of love, life and energy! It is hard to imagine you any other way. I will continue to pray for your recovery and remission. If anyone can kick cancer in the a..
    it's you!

  3. Many hugs continue to come your way from southern Italy, Susan xx