Thursday, January 19, 2012

A roller coaster ride

                           A tiny street in Rome, the thought of Italy keeps me going!

I have to say that these past few weeks have been filled with anxiety, tears, fears, uncertainty, reluctance, despair, hope, almost every feeling imaginable.

A few weeks ago, I went to my oncologist complaining of persistent symptoms, nausea, bad taste in my mouth, the inability to keep food down, uncontrollable tears, great fatigue.
His answer to me, other than suggesting I take Lexapro for my depression was to have me go back on chemo. This news I met with the urge to throw up. I was in a weakened state and could not even imagine going through this again. I am thinner than I have ever been ~hellva diet!

He ordered an MRI, which I had on Saturday morning.
He called me on Monday night and told me the news was not good.
He wants me on chemo right away, no asking, this time he was telling me. The remaining part of the tumor that the operation did not get more than doubled in size and took with it, as clusters, all the then "little spots surrounding it".
They are little no longer. In the course of 5 short weeks this tumor is bigger and faster growing than any I've had. It is on the war path.
Although the news still made me sick to my stomach and brought fast and furious tears to my eyes, I realized my choices were limited. Do I want to live? Damn YES!!!!!!!
So I begin another regiment of chemo, starting tomorrow morning down at JEFF.

This second line of defense, as they call it will switch out some drugs for others. Not too sure of all the side effects, I have to tell you, I am almost afraid to look at the info sheets.
I will take one day at a time, get through that and then go on.
I had my screams and crying, now I will go on.
I have the blessings of so much love from family and friends and I know I will not go this alone.
He promises me that I will be better by early summer, this behind me. I respond well to chemo, he says and they will do more scans in a few months time. He is confident and that helps me.

Clint and I have been downtown almost every day this week, we have seen so many doctors, been given choices down the road, but for now they want to stop it in it's tracks, I can understand that.

I am grateful for all your thoughts and prayer, I cannot do this alone, so thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I am strong, I can do this, one moment at a time.


  1. Susan, I know prayers are heard. Obviously, I will be praying even harder and will take you with me in my heart on retreat in March.....

  2. You are embraced with thoughts and prayers....continually.

  3. Susan you have been in my prayers since day one. I have a lot of trust in the doctors at Jeff. I feel extremely possitive that everything will go great. You have an excellent attitude & support which really helps alot. My mother-in-law went 11 yrs. with ovarion cancer & past away at 82 yrs. old. She had a great attitude to live & enjoy her family. That is what keeps you going good.
    Love Linda Kobasic

  4. I believe in miracles. I believe in prayer.
    I believe in you.
    I pray that the chemo blasts the tumor. I pray
    You stay well and handle the side effects.
    Can I help? Can I drive you to treatment? Can
    I clean or do laundry?
    You will be on my mind all the time.
    Helen b.

  5. dear dear susan,

    you will have all our prayers, for how distant we are, and all our love to keep you warm and strong, you will go through it like you have already done, and you will be enjoying the sunshine every morning, you will blossom again in spring, like all flowers!

    love you love you love you

    Sara, Mití, Cesidio