How did this happen?

You very rarely hear me say that sentence or anything similar~is there something I did? is this bad karma? how did this happen to me? I was going on my merry way, cooking, teaching, traveling, enjoying my family and great food, having fun, being a good person and then this comes along and rips my world upside down. How did this happen to me? I want my life back.

Laying in bed 20 hours a day allows all these thoughts to come to the surface.

Try as I might I do have these moments where I think~what happened to my life?

As I speak to more and more people I realize that everyone is going through something. It may not be Cancer but no matter where you are in your daily life you are dealing with questions about family, finances, friends, health, love, about living, about what it really means to get up every morning and have a purpose.

I try as much as I can to let every day be a blessing. I try to turn my sights to how really blessed I am with family and friends and support through this all. Even the small fact that I love my bedroom where I now spend most of my time.

This weekend I learned an important thing.
Clint and I were watching the Nascar Daytona 500 on TV.  Danica Patrick is driving for Nascar, one of the three women who ever drove in that sport. She was in a horrific crash in one of the races. Her car was hit and it went flying, turning this way and that, she had no control as she hit the wall and spun around.
As the inside camera showed her movements, she lifted her both hands off the wheel and put them to her face.
Instead of trying to control a car where the steering wheel was ripping from side to side, she took her hands away from the steering wheel and let the car go where it might. I thought to myself that would be a good lesson in life, when you really can't control what is happening to you, it is best to let go and let life take over. Stop the drama and the fight against what you can't control and let it be.

This has been a tough two weeks for me, I never really felt good at all. Today is Wednesday and I go in tomorrow for another infusion. I am tired, weak, nauseous, I really haven't stepped out of the house in almost 2 weeks, I am not sure if I can do another 2 weeks without feeling good at all. I will go down and maybe he can give me a week off just so I can feel like myself again before I go in for another round of chemo.
Thank you for all your cards and notes, we really appreciate it. Thank you for everything actually, for just being there for me, makes all the difference in the world.