Monday, September 13, 2010


I can only escape for so long.

When I saw the doctor last week I told him I had this urge to escape. He said that it was quite normal and I should take advantage of escaping whenever I could.
I did just that over the weekend.
I headed to Florida with my son and his family. They whisked us away for 3 days to sunny Marco Island.
I tried to keep a clear mind and just play with the grand kids and not think.

The trouble with escaping is returning to reality. Reality came to me with a packet of literature that I was given last week describing the drugs that at I will receive on Wednesday. I chose not to look at them or read them until this morning. I didn't want to have this information running inside my head all week. Thank goodness I did that!

This morning as I went through the paperwork I felt a cold fear in the pit of my stomach. Somewhat like a feeling you get before you take a big test, make a speech in front of a million people or go on a roller coaster ride. My first thought was" I don't want to do this." Actually it is my thought right now as I write this. I know not doing this is NOT an option but I am thinking it non-the-less.

I am trying to prepare myself for the next few months, I am not sure if I can prepare physically but I am preparing mentally. I am trying to live in the moment, trying to breath deeply, trying to mediate, trying to laugh, trying to think positively. It works most times but the middle of the night is a lonely and scary time.

I do realize that all the side effects described may or may not happen but just the fact that they are giving me something so potent and so dangerous scares the hell out of me. I have never even taken an aspirin if I didn't absolutely need it. Not even vitamins, although maybe that was my problem!
This is so hard for me because I am such a healthy person, never sick, never tired, never anything but happy and glowing and full of energy.

This blog is hard to write today. I am sitting here staring at the screen, trying to remain optimistic, not dwell on the negative, trying to squash that feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I have a day and a half to keep busy and keep reality from gripping me with sharp teeth. Tears lie just below the surface, welling up quickly and unexpectedly.

I go in for my first treatment at 8AM on Wednesday.
Please send me some good energy!!! I think I'll need it!


  1. Oh Susan, You are always in our thoughts! Stay strong and you will win this battle with grace and courage. Best wishes (as always), Allison, Dave, JD & Matt

  2. Hi Susan, One of my clients was diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer that mestastasized. She was quite depressed , but being a pathologist, she went with the program. She got some bad news...but she chose to fight!!! Well...her 3 months lasted to the present.. 13 yrs!!! 90% of the time she was positive....& sometimes 100%....she got through a very rough time & she is now 64...she was 51 when diagnosed. YOU CAN DO THIS, SUSAN!!! You have what it takes! With God ALL things are possible. My very best to you, Debbie

  3. Susan, I have experienced going through this with my youngest sister who was diagnosed with advanced Ovarian Cancer at the age of 41 and not a good prognosis. She had a difficult time but with the love and strength from her family & friends, even through a recurrence, she came through it. They suggested the second time around a very aggressive chemo treatment called IP therapy and she did not feel well but chose to be sick for a few months to live many years. She is now living a healthy life, 3+ years later and while that's not a long time, it's longer than she/drs thoughts. I would say to her don't let anyone "tell you" the outcome, you control the outcome with your mental strength. I think that's what needs to be the focus even when you can't go on, then you look just at your family and those adorable little grandchildren's faces and know it's what you have to do. I am so sorry to hear you go through this know you remain in my thoughts and prayers daily. Warmest regards, Kathy Johnson

  4. Susan,
    I know how feeling. I remember what I went through when I got my chemo.I felt crazy Scared! You are so eloquent in your journaling. It's beautiful. I can feel what you're feeling. Keep expressing your thoughts. I've always admired your incredibly positive attitude & now even more. It's about taking one day at a time. Keep fighting.
    Best regards,
    Anne Lane .