Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again!

This week was tough. I should say that Monday was tough. I had been trying,very successfully to keep busy and keep my mind off of all the new developments and tests and results. I would fill my days with grand kids and family and friends and outings, falling to a deep sleep at nigh time from pure exhaustion.

On Monday I woke up with a killer headache and tears in my eyes at 5AM. The feelings, fear and uncertainty found me. I was a weepy mess all day long. I was afraid to go out because if someone asked me how I was doing they were going to get a very weepy response. By noon I realized that I had to let myself cry and mourn. I had to get it out. Ask all those questions that had no answer. Why? How? What next?

I was waiting for the oncologist to call. I was waiting to find out what was in store for me. What did all those high tech tests show? He did call and told me that there were just too many spots in both sides of the liver to operate at this point. What??? the spots were like mushrooms they growing so fast! Jeeze!

He told me that he discussed this with my colon surgeon and the liver surgeon and they decided, all three doctors that I should now go on a very aggressive type of chemo, a chemo cocktail. Not the wording I would use when describing a cocktail~that's for sure!

So just as I was getting use to the idea of an operation or two, we changed direction. He talked about priorities, he talked about my life as a priority. Well it always was to me!
So with this news came a whole new set of feelings.
Fear, that this Cancer is spreading fast. Fear that this is taking longer than I thought, fear that things can change in an instant. Monday was the day that all this fear showed up at the doorstep of my mind.

I took that day for what it was. I did my crying, I really couldn't do much else. I went to bed, I really just wanted to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head. I gave into all those feelings~ for that one day!
I woke up on Tuesday morning determined to move on. I started my morning with writing, that always makes me feel better. I went on to do some stretches and just sit in the quiet of the early morning, knowing that I am strong, that I have so much support, that I will not go this alone. I went outside and watered my plants and flowers, turning my face to the sunshine and enjoying my day.
I picked my mother up and we went shopping and out to lunch. I cooked, I read and I realized that I will be OK, that it is OK to cry sometimes, that I will get through this with support and love, that I am not alone.
Now that song is going through my head... just pick myself up, and dust myself off and start all over again!!!
I see the oncologist on Friday to find out all the little details of this new chemo cocktail and what is in store for me. I hope he adds some vodka to that cocktail! I sure could use it!

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