Thursday, October 21, 2010

Ah Ha moment

I am slowly coming out of this fog I have been in since last week. I spent so much time in bed I felt like I was living in my bedroom. Clint brought me up buttered toast.. some of the only food I can get down. The chemo hit me hard this time around.

As I was laying in bed I had a "Oprah" Ah Ha moment...sort of.

I realized what the Doctor meant when he said these symptoms would be cumulative, each week longer and longer to get out of my system, each week a little worse for wear. I know that if I am seeing these tell tale signs of achy-ness, soreness, fatigue, giant mouth sores and I do mean giant!! among other things that these drugs they are giving me must be doing something to the cancer cells!!! I can only hope that this is true.

I questioned the number of treatments I am to get and my Doctor told me that after the next one on October 27th, he would order tests to evaluate how the chemo is working and then either order more treatments (yea) or give me a break (I hope) .

So I go with the flow. What else to do? my hair is shredding a lightning speed. Everyday there is a little less to pull back. My grand kids are so funny. They tell me that my hair is everywhere and that soon I will look like Pop Pop. I have hats and scarfs at the ready. I am always cold and walk around bundled up like there is a snow storm in January outside my window.When I wake up in the morning and look in the mirror I can see a resemblance to Gary Busey's line up picture, where his hair is sticking out all over his head, I can do nothing but laugh!

Every night before I go to sleep I breath and try to think of all the good I have in my life. I am so thankful for all the support I am getting. It makes it much easier knowing that people care and are praying for me and that they can't wait to take a cooking class again. I hear everyday from clients, some I met only once, who tell me that they cook from my cookbook and that they believe in me and know that I am a positive person.

I am thankful for my family, all worried about me, telling me that I am the glue that keeps my family together. I get to know all this right now and I am so happy to know that I mean this much to them.

I am thankful for my home. It gives me such comfort. Every room in my home is special to me. I feel warmth and love in every doorway.

I am thankful for all the food left in my doorway. My friends want to feed me and Clint and I am overwhelmed with your kindness.

I am thankful that I have a loving and supportive husband, who tells me every single day how good I look (I think he may need to get his eyes checked) and how good I am doing despite feeling lousy.

I am thankful for my kids. They keep in touch every single day with encouraging words and so much love. It makes me realize that I raised them right, they turned out to be such wonderful parents to their children and that makes me so happy.

I am choosing to look at the joys in my life, which are many.
I will get through this time. It will make me stronger. I miss my cooking classes and all those people who walked through my doorway with a smile on their face and the inspiration to cook. I can't wait to get back to that again and I know I will.

This is not easy, I will say that. The hardest part for me is not feeling like myself. The girl (I still think of myself as a girl!) who is always doing something, cooking something, creating something. This girl is now in bed only dreaming of when I can be myself again.

I am learning the real meaning of this moment in time. Right now. This is my life and yours too!
Take a minute or more everyday to see what you truly have in your life. Be grateful, be happy, look at the world as a present. Your life is yours to make what you what. Don't put off your happiness, tell someone you love them, tell someone you are sorry, smile at a stranger, give hugs and kisses throughout your day. Be happy now! don't wait~ you don't know what is ahead. This moment is what you have and use it with graciousness and happiness.

Once again I am humbled by this fickle disease but I remain hopeful and optimistic that this will pass and I will be me soon!

I love all of you and thank you for being in my life. It makes such a difference to know that good thought, prayers and healing energy is coming my way and I thank you!


  1. Susan, my friends and I were talking about how we are looking forward to taking another cooking class with you. The "class room" in your home is such a wonderfully warm and happy place. I can understand your itch to get back in there and do your stuff. We love watching you "do your stuff" and look forward to learning more of your kitchen wizardry. Until that time, let us do most of the praying, and you rest and just heal....

  2. Oh, you are so good to help us all get on the right path!
    I have your cookbook by my chair in the living room and I was reading about your NASCAR experience yesterday...
    As in life, too..."Drive it like you stole it."

  3. Susan, I keep you in my prayers. I too look forward to attending your cooking classes again. It always felt like home when you welcomed us in. "And this too shall pass" are words my mom and dad taught us to live by. Keep the faith. God bless you and your family. Diane, Garnet Valley, PA