Thursday, November 11, 2010


I haven't written in a while just because I am so weary. Sick and tired is what comes to mind. I have been in bed for most of this past week, even if I wake up feeling good that goes away in a few hours and I am just weary again.

I had my PT scan and blood work done Tuesday, a long day spent in the hospital where needles and radioactive stuff was poured into me.. ..just what I need to start feeling good again~ radioactive stuff!!!

I am slowly, very slowly coming out of this terrible fog I am in. I am in bed most days.

I talked to the Doctor on Wednesday and he gave me the results of the PT/CT scan and blood work I had done. "Overall  there is significant improvement in the liver, there is a marked decease in activity as well."All good news.
Some news I also did not want to hear is that I will be continuing my chemo through the holiday season.. my next infusion is the day before Thanksgiving. So this will go on, I was kind of hoping for a reprieve during the holiday season. The holidays are so important to me, especially with all the grand kids.
Every dinner was held at my home with my family all around me, so much food, so much cooking, getting the trains up, doing my classes.. this is something that will get some tweaking now.

I am trying to stay optimistic and stay in this moment but this past week was hard. It was hard for me to write, I couldn't concentrate. It was hard for me to do just everyday things that provide such satisfaction, like doing the wash, moping the floors, making dinner. All of these everyday things I could not do.

In the quiet darkness of the early morning my tears came, they were with me almost all week, for those of you following my blog you know I try to stay UP as much as possible, I ask myself daily~"how can I turn this negative thought around?" There was not an answer this time.

Clint is my champion, when tears are sliding down my cheeks for no  apparent reason, he gives me comfort, tells me I am doing good, tells me this is only the chemo that is making me feel like this .. it is not ME!
My kids and my mom call everyday to see how I feel. What do I say?~ like sh*t, do I lie and say I am OK.. it really doesn't matter because my voice tells the story.

I try to counter balance these devastating drugs with good stuff.

I started a gentle early morning yoga class, I ty to get a massage. It is the only place I can really let go of every thought and stress filled moment. I look outside and appreciate this beautiful fall weather and the brilliant colors I see, but I am dragging this pain and sorrow around with me this week.

Kinda of like Bella Lagosi, dragging this package of sick and tired and weary.

The doctor said it would get worse, maybe that is what made me feel so desolate this week .. it will get worse not better. Can I handle it? I will~ but not happily.

There are times throughout this Cancer that I need to grieve, that I need to cry and this week was one of them.

Please keep me company on this difficult journey, your emails and cards mean so much. Your loving thoughts and prayers are just what I need to get through this tough time.


  1. Oh Susan, you brought tears to my eyes. My heart hurts for you. I've seen so many people go through what you are going through. Not just my patients, but my moms baby sister. Your allowed to have bad weeks,your body and mind needs its rest.

  2. When you come up for air during the tears, keep thinking.."SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT".

    We ALL love you and want to help you carry this damn load.

  3. Dear Susan, I met you years ago when my son would get his hair cut at the Question mark. That's what the boys called it. It was a happy place to go because everyone was happy in their own way there. IT was like being part of the family. My son is 27 now and he remembers going there.I've been to quite a bit of your classes in homes and at the antigues store in Glen Mills, so long ago. You are a person who makes everyone you meet feel special. You make people feel good. This is how you have always been You were put on this earth as an angel. Angels help everyone, Everyone that you have come in contact with is right here with you. You are in our prayers and thoughts. You're soo positive. Those positive thoughts are thrown right back to you every minute of the day. Close your eyes and feel it. You are loved by many. Thank You for being you.

  4. Susan,

    Ed and I are amazed at your courage! Your blog is an inspiration to us and our lives. Ed can't even write when he has a stupid headache.

    You are in our thoughts and prayers.

    Ed & Sharon Gebhart

  5. Susan, you are in my thoughts every single day. Vicki, Chris, and I were just reminiscing about the dinner (I should say feast) that we picked up at your house last Christmas season - so much food! The extras you threw in were fantastic and we just savored every bite. I don't think there was much conversation during that meal other than "oh my did you taste the ... yet?" or "man this is so good"..... One day you will be back to doing the cooking that you so love, and I know we will be at your door picking up some more delicious meals.

    That will happen, and in the meantime our thoughts and prayers will be with you as continue on this journey..

  6. Susan - Am sorry to hear what a difficult week this has been for's hard to imagine you not in constant motion ! Keep your humor..thank god for Clint ! Love Ya, Emily

  7. Susan - I went to school with your son. I've been reading your blog through his facebook page. I just want to tell you that you are in my thoughts and that I find your blog an inspiration. Wishing you the best. Lea Ann