I haven't written in a while just because I am so weary. Sick and tired is what comes to mind. I have been in bed for most of this past week, even if I wake up feeling good that goes away in a few hours and I am just weary again.
I had my PT scan and blood work done Tuesday, a long day spent in the hospital where needles and radioactive stuff was poured into me.. ..just what I need to start feeling good again~ radioactive stuff!!!
I am slowly, very slowly coming out of this terrible fog I am in. I am in bed most days.
I talked to the Doctor on Wednesday and he gave me the results of the PT/CT scan and blood work I had done. "Overall there is significant improvement in the liver, there is a marked decease in activity as well."All good news.
Some news I also did not want to hear is that I will be continuing my chemo through the holiday season.. my next infusion is the day before Thanksgiving. So this will go on, I was kind of hoping for a reprieve during the holiday season. The holidays are so important to me, especially with all the grand kids.
Every dinner was held at my home with my family all around me, so much food, so much cooking, getting the trains up, doing my classes.. this is something that will get some tweaking now.
I am trying to stay optimistic and stay in this moment but this past week was hard. It was hard for me to write, I couldn't concentrate. It was hard for me to do just everyday things that provide such satisfaction, like doing the wash, moping the floors, making dinner. All of these everyday things I could not do.
In the quiet darkness of the early morning my tears came, they were with me almost all week, for those of you following my blog you know I try to stay UP as much as possible, I ask myself daily~"how can I turn this negative thought around?" There was not an answer this time.
Clint is my champion, when tears are sliding down my cheeks for no apparent reason, he gives me comfort, tells me I am doing good, tells me this is only the chemo that is making me feel like this .. it is not ME!
My kids and my mom call everyday to see how I feel. What do I say?~ like sh*t, do I lie and say I am OK.. it really doesn't matter because my voice tells the story.
I try to counter balance these devastating drugs with good stuff.
I started a gentle early morning yoga class, I ty to get a massage. It is the only place I can really let go of every thought and stress filled moment. I look outside and appreciate this beautiful fall weather and the brilliant colors I see, but I am dragging this pain and sorrow around with me this week.
Kinda of like Bella Lagosi, dragging this package of sick and tired and weary.
The doctor said it would get worse, maybe that is what made me feel so desolate this week .. it will get worse not better. Can I handle it? I will~ but not happily.
There are times throughout this Cancer that I need to grieve, that I need to cry and this week was one of them.
Please keep me company on this difficult journey, your emails and cards mean so much. Your loving thoughts and prayers are just what I need to get through this tough time.
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