Saturday, May 14, 2011


 This is the blog I started a few days ago......

I've been a little out of sorts this week. Although it has been beautiful outside, with Spring popping out all over, and in spite of keeping myself extremely busy I am down in the dumps. There is not any one thing that is causing this unless you can count the CANCER.

I have been off chemo for almost 6 weeks now and I am still feeling the side effects. Some days, especially at night time when I am tired, I just want this to be OVER. I want to be cured. This is not a word you use in the same sentence as Cancer. The doctors tell me that instead of focusing on a cure they are telling me that I will live with Cancer.

I guess LIVE is the important word here.

This does not go away, it is with me as I fall asleep and when I wake up. No matter how busy I am or keep myself immersed in activities there is always a little voice inside my head that screams CANCER.

Maybe this is why I am so grumpy lately, out of sorts, not my happy self.

I made up my mind a few weeks ago to just live my life like I don't have this dreaded disease. I want to make plans for the future and do what I love doing~teaching classes, planning culinary tours, living my life now.

I did not finish it because I felt it was too negative .... I'll start again..

I've been struggling with my thoughts and feelings lately and I want to change my mind-set to a more positive one.
I am so intent on keeping busy so I don't have to think about what is next but I realize now that the strategy does not work. I was tired and therefore not getting up early in the mornings, so all the thoughts that I usually put on paper were whirling around in my head with no room for good stuff.

I sat quietly these past few days and tried to regain my hope, my strength, my lust for life.

When we are silent, and our mind is not racing with a million thoughts we make room for the little voice inside our heads that speaks to us from our soul.

That is the voice I need to listen to.

I need to make this experience I am going through a positive one. I need to turn my thoughts to the up side of life. I can't change or predict the path this disease will take but I can control my reactions and feelings and that is exactly what I am trying to do on a daily basis.
Not always easy but I just need to remind myself that this is my life I am living, sick or not. I want to enjoy it and make it the best I can.

I see the liver surgeon on Tuesday and I will finalize my decisions then. I have to do what is right for me, I have been very aggressive with my treatments, doing what the doctors told me is best but at this point I need to believe in my strength and in my body.

I want to go on and make plans, do the work I love to do, enjoy my husband, grandchildren, my family, my friends. I want my life to continue and be full. This is up to me.

So I will take a deep breath, and I will make time to be silent, to listen to my body, to that little voice in my heart that knows what is good for me.
I will notice what makes me happy and follow that path.

1 comment:

  1. susan - praying for and with you as you make your decision. I am a positive person too, but when you are ill, it is hard to be "up" all the time and the thought of the illness never leaves you. Sometimes it is pushed to the back burner, but it is always there. Good luck and God bless you as you make this decision. Diane, Garnet Valley, PA