STAYING "UP"

 This is the blog I started a few days ago......


I've been a little out of sorts this week. Although it has been beautiful outside, with Spring popping out all over, and in spite of keeping myself extremely busy I am down in the dumps. There is not any one thing that is causing this unless you can count the CANCER.

I have been off chemo for almost 6 weeks now and I am still feeling the side effects. Some days, especially at night time when I am tired, I just want this to be OVER. I want to be cured. This is not a word you use in the same sentence as Cancer. The doctors tell me that instead of focusing on a cure they are telling me that I will live with Cancer.

I guess LIVE is the important word here.

This does not go away, it is with me as I fall asleep and when I wake up. No matter how busy I am or keep myself immersed in activities there is always a little voice inside my head that screams CANCER.

Maybe this is why I am so grumpy lately, out of sorts, not my happy self.

I made up my mind a few weeks ago to just live my life like I don't have this dreaded disease. I want to make plans for the future and do what I love doing~teaching classes, planning culinary tours, living my life now.

I did not finish it because I felt it was too negative .... I'll start again..

I've been struggling with my thoughts and feelings lately and I want to change my mind-set to a more positive one.
I am so intent on keeping busy so I don't have to think about what is next but I realize now that the strategy does not work. I was tired and therefore not getting up early in the mornings, so all the thoughts that I usually put on paper were whirling around in my head with no room for good stuff.

I sat quietly these past few days and tried to regain my hope, my strength, my lust for life.

When we are silent, and our mind is not racing with a million thoughts we make room for the little voice inside our heads that speaks to us from our soul.

That is the voice I need to listen to.

I need to make this experience I am going through a positive one. I need to turn my thoughts to the up side of life. I can't change or predict the path this disease will take but I can control my reactions and feelings and that is exactly what I am trying to do on a daily basis.
Not always easy but I just need to remind myself that this is my life I am living, sick or not. I want to enjoy it and make it the best I can.

I see the liver surgeon on Tuesday and I will finalize my decisions then. I have to do what is right for me, I have been very aggressive with my treatments, doing what the doctors told me is best but at this point I need to believe in my strength and in my body.

I want to go on and make plans, do the work I love to do, enjoy my husband, grandchildren, my family, my friends. I want my life to continue and be full. This is up to me.

So I will take a deep breath, and I will make time to be silent, to listen to my body, to that little voice in my heart that knows what is good for me.
I will notice what makes me happy and follow that path.