A Gift

Today is my 56th birthday. I woke up early to a foggy and misty beautiful fall day. I am determined to enjoy each second of this day. I had a rough weekend, not feeling good, in bed all day yesterday, the norm for me lately~ sick and tired.

Today is a new day, a day for me a day to look back over my life and know that I truly lived it the way I wanted to, with love, laughter, family and food in each and every day. I am so grateful as I look back and know that I really don't have any regrets. Not to say that there are times I would like to forget, but guess what? I let them go in a bubble out into the universe.


Today I am in the moment, enjoying all my birthday wishes, enjoying the love and prayer and good wishes that surround me~THANK YOU!!!

I am overwhelmed reading all your emails and cards and birthday wishes. It is truly a Happy Day for me.
This morning as I meditated (just closing my eyes)and thinking good thoughts. I gave myself a present... the present of love and hope and healing and strength that I will need this upcoming year. I wished myself a good and fulfilling journey accompanied by all of the people who are in my life. This is a difficult journey but I am not alone. That is a true gift.

I do believe in my heart that I will be OK, that I will survive, that I will get through this. I will be cooking and catering and doing my cooking classes and trips with love and laughter and good food. I will be, once again with all of you and as you now inspire me I hope to be an inspiration to you too, that life is meant to be lived here and now, with gusto and a huge spirit of love and giving.

So thank you for all your support and love. I feel it everyday. Yes, I will enjoy this day. My request to my family was a simple celebration of pizza and cake surrounded by my family, in my home among all of the things that are important to me. My pizza dinner is tonight. I can't wait!!

Love and laughter is my wish for you too!
I love all of you! thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!

PS... this is a picture BEFORE I lost my hair, I will post the pizza celebration picture tomorrow!!!

Weary

I haven't written in a while just because I am so weary. Sick and tired is what comes to mind. I have been in bed for most of this past week, even if I wake up feeling good that goes away in a few hours and I am just weary again.

I had my PT scan and blood work done Tuesday, a long day spent in the hospital where needles and radioactive stuff was poured into me.. ..just what I need to start feeling good again~ radioactive stuff!!!

I am slowly, very slowly coming out of this terrible fog I am in. I am in bed most days.

I talked to the Doctor on Wednesday and he gave me the results of the PT/CT scan and blood work I had done. "Overall  there is significant improvement in the liver, there is a marked decease in activity as well."All good news.
Some news I also did not want to hear is that I will be continuing my chemo through the holiday season.. my next infusion is the day before Thanksgiving. So this will go on, I was kind of hoping for a reprieve during the holiday season. The holidays are so important to me, especially with all the grand kids.
Every dinner was held at my home with my family all around me, so much food, so much cooking, getting the trains up, doing my classes.. this is something that will get some tweaking now.

I am trying to stay optimistic and stay in this moment but this past week was hard. It was hard for me to write, I couldn't concentrate. It was hard for me to do just everyday things that provide such satisfaction, like doing the wash, moping the floors, making dinner. All of these everyday things I could not do.

In the quiet darkness of the early morning my tears came, they were with me almost all week, for those of you following my blog you know I try to stay UP as much as possible, I ask myself daily~"how can I turn this negative thought around?" There was not an answer this time.

Clint is my champion, when tears are sliding down my cheeks for no  apparent reason, he gives me comfort, tells me I am doing good, tells me this is only the chemo that is making me feel like this .. it is not ME!
My kids and my mom call everyday to see how I feel. What do I say?~ like sh*t, do I lie and say I am OK.. it really doesn't matter because my voice tells the story.

I try to counter balance these devastating drugs with good stuff.

I started a gentle early morning yoga class, I ty to get a massage. It is the only place I can really let go of every thought and stress filled moment. I look outside and appreciate this beautiful fall weather and the brilliant colors I see, but I am dragging this pain and sorrow around with me this week.

Kinda of like Bella Lagosi, dragging this package of sick and tired and weary.

The doctor said it would get worse, maybe that is what made me feel so desolate this week .. it will get worse not better. Can I handle it? I will~ but not happily.

There are times throughout this Cancer that I need to grieve, that I need to cry and this week was one of them.

Please keep me company on this difficult journey, your emails and cards mean so much. Your loving thoughts and prayers are just what I need to get through this tough time.

Gratitude

I am grateful for:

~my loving and caring husband
~a Autumn Day
~a hot shower
~a bowl of pasta
~my grandchildren's kisses
~the crunch of fallen leaves
~my caring children
~a cozy bed
~that I can touch my toes
~a good book
~the smile from a stranger
~enthusiastic laughter
~my parents
~birds singing
~a sharp pencil
~candlelight
~the gift of love
~a fire in the fireplace
~a warm blanket
~leopard print
~fluffy socks
~a good massage
~Toy Story 3
~Rome
~a bubble bath
~excellent doctors
~good friends
~that I can write
~my voodoo room
~all the cards I get each day
~holidays
~family
~my Italian heritage
~my daughter in law and son in law
~the luminous light of dusk
~a cup of strong coffee
~that I love to read
~my cookbook
~comfortable shoes
~the gift of a smile, my smile
~caring nurses
~a starlight sky
~the sound of the ocean
~view out side my windows
~a cup of comforting soup
~my family pictures
~my relatives in Abruzzi
~Andrea Bocelli's voice
~my 55 years on this earth
~the melody of the Italian language
~all of you who are reading this
~ I am grateful for the few hairs on my head that are holding on!!!!!

November is a special month for me, I love the fall weather but it is also my birthday and Clint's birthday month.
Our birthday fall a week apart plus 16 years! November has always been a time for me to reflect on my life and see what changes I want to make. I revise my goals and appreciate all the little things in my life.
The list above is just a start of what I am grateful for.

Take a few minutes and make a list of all the little things that make you happy. Reflect on your life and how you want to make it better or happier or more loving. We all would like to change things and it all starts with a thought. Take some time this month and be grateful. It will make you appreciate all that you DO have!

This Old House

I am not talking about bricks and mortar, I am talking about flesh and blood.

This old house that we live in takes a beating. We take it for granted and sometimes abuse it. We neglect it and and ignore it. We don't mean too but we are often busy with life and forget that we live in this body. That it is our home for the rest of our lives.

Our bodies are amazing and I know this first hand. For the past few weeks my body has been ravaged by chemicals. An aggressive chemo is hard on the body. My symptoms escalated to the point where I was in bed 24 hours a day. My doctor chose to give me an extra week to recover and I slowly made my way back to me. 
The amazing part of all of this is that my body recovered on it's own. There was nothing I could do to help it along except maybe drink lots of water, but slowly over the past few days I have started to feel better. My body did not let me down. It is strong, it is healing and it brought me back to me, to feeling like myself, to feeling better, to awakening to a new day and knowing that I WILL be OK after this is all over. My body is there for me.

We live in this magnificent house that we often take for granted. We go through our days not even thinking about breathing or digesting or any of the hundreds of functions our body preforms without a thought from us! We seldom think about what is happening inside of us. We take it for granted.

If this journey through Cancer has taught me anything~it is to take care of me, take care of my body. It is an amazing home for my heart and soul. It is a place I awaken to every day. It is a sacred place, it hold my hopes and dreams and creativity. It is ours alone. We are responsible for it's upkeep and care.

Take time for your self each day. Take a moment to look around you, at the sky, the trees, breath the crisp Autumn air, feel the sun on your skin. Drink water, stretch, take a walk, get a massage, meditate, take some quiet time for you, get enough rest, your body rejuvenates with rest. Get a colonoscopy, a mammogram, a physical. Take care of your house, you will be living in it your whole life, respect it, care for it, accept it, love it! Your body does so much for you, give it some tender loving care and it will always be there for you.

I go to JEFF early tomorrow morning for my fourth infusion. I feel stronger than before because of an extra week off so I am hoping I will feel better this coming week. My next step is a PT scan to gauge how this chemo is working. This is always a stressful time for me ... kind of like a test. Will I pass? how will I do? I really don't have any idea but I do know that if these chemicals are strong enough to put me down they must be doing a job on this Cancer inside of me.

I am ever hopeful and I know I will do what I need to to get through this. I have so many people on this journey with me, it makes me stronger and helps me to get through all this and for that I thank each and every one of you.

If I can offer anything back to you it is to take care of yourself, don't wait for something to go wrong first. As the doctors always tell me "Don't chase the pain" get ahead of it. Make little adjustments to your life to make you happy, smile more, laugh, enjoy,tell someone you love them, forgive yourself for everything, stop and smell the roses. This is your life, right now, this moment in time, savor it and enjoy it. Love yourself and be kind. Your life is all around you. Notice it!

I send my love to you, enjoy this day!

Beautiful Fall Day

I have been waiting to feel better before I write this blog.

My chemo doctor gave me a week's break from the chemo. I will go in on Wednesday for my infusion.

He called me yesterday to see how I was feeling and I thanked him for my week off. His response was that there was no way he could give me chemo with my blood work that low. My white count was more than half what it should be and that is what is causing me to feel like this. Well it was a validation anyway.
I have been down for the count for more than 2 weeks. Even on Wednesday when I came home from JEFF I went right to bed, I had a very bad night with the runs, I must have gotten up at least a dozen times..... not fun at all so consequently I was in bed all day Thursday too.

This is very hard for me. I am a doer and a mover, to be in bed all day no matter how bad I feel is torture.

The good news is that today Saturday I am starting to feel a little better. I woke up early and went to my "Voodoo Room" as Clint calls it. It is my space, a room that I purged of all unnecessary stuff, a room where I have a rocking chair and a mat to lay upon when I want to stretch or meditate. I love this room. It is full of light and hope for me. I spent a quiet hour or so just writing by candlelight. It was still dark when I woke up this morning.

When I write in the morning it is called Morning pages, I have been doing this for years and years and it helps clear my mind and clarify my thoughts and dreams. I take a pad of paper and just write what comes to mind. Your mind is a busy place and to do this every morning is a wonderful thing. I always feel so much better when I stick to this routine.

I went outside after my morning coffee with Clint to breath in the beautiful Fall weather and take in the brilliant colors that Autumn has given us. It is a perfect fall day and I am so grateful that I can enjoy it from someplace other than my bed.

So I am taking one moment at a time. My mind does race ahead to what is in store for me, it is only natural but I try my best to stay in the moment. My friend Sarah tells me to come back to my breath, it is always there for me, to center me and calm me and reassure me that life will go on no matter what and that this moment is my life. I try not to take too much of the past with me too, it is over and there is nothing to do about it.

So I hope you all enjoy this beautiful weekend, Take a moment where ever you are to stop and just listen to the sounds around you. Take a deep breath and look at the trees, the birds, the sky. Splendor is all around us. Live in this moment. Enjoy who you are with or just being by your self. Take a minute to smile at someone, you never know what is happening in their life, give them a smile or send them positive energy, it will come back to you.

This is a journey that is teaching me so much. It is not a journey that I chose, but here I am non the less. I will grow from this and be a better person. I will appreciate all that I have in my life and learn to slow down and enjoy it. 

I hope you enjoy your moments in time too!

I am sending all of you love and energy, thank you for being on this journey with me and being in my life. I feel the love and prayers of all and I am thankful.

All day rain

I woke up sometime in the middle of the night to the sound of rain out side my bedroom window.

My first thought was " all day rain" .... it is a term Clint uses for the sound of rain that is slow and steady and you can almost know that it will rain all day. Over the years I have come to know the sound of all day rain too.
As I opened my eyes I realized that this morning would be Chemo day. I was not looking forward to it at all. 
I have been so very sick all week .. for the last two weeks really. Hardly being able to get out of bed. The thought of not feeling good or worse for another two weeks loomed in my mind. I didn't want to do this.
But I knew I had to do this. So I concentrated on my breath and on this "all day rain" kind of day with the beautiful colors of Autumn that are streaking the horizons. I thought of coming home around 6 PM and getting in my comfy bed. I thought of this moment, this beautiful rainy day.
We went down town early as usual. I had my labs drawn so they could check my counts. I went downstairs to see my chemo Dr.

I told him of my last two weeks, mouth sores the size of Kentucky on my lower lip. If I ever wondered what I would look like if I had my lips done ~ I don't have to wonder any longer, cramping of the hands and feet, the runs and I do mean RUN!  My list was long and he was very sympathetic. I was sent back downstairs to the infusion center to await my lab results and start my infusion. My port was already accessed because that is where they draw blood.

In a little while the chemo nurse came over with a paper in her hand and said that my platelets were dangerously low and that I would be very prone to infection( oh goodie!)

She had to call my doctor  to see what he wanted to do. She came back a little while later with such wonderful news!!! No chemo for me this week! a reprieve!!! hurray!!!!And so I get a week to recover and feel good ~ wonderful, releasing, uplifting news. What a surprise, a present really. So we drove home in the rain, stopped for lunch at our favorite little place. After I write this I will go to bed because I am still tired, but I will fall asleep to all day rain and know that I will start to feel good soon.

Luke's Lemonade Stand

Help is coming from all directions!

A few weeks ago my little nephew Luke along with his twin sisters Luci and Ella set up a Lemonade stand in front of their home in Swarthmore. It was a rainy day but Luke persevered for 4 hours and collected money for Cancer awareness.

It was a touching gesture and one that hit close to my heart!

Thank you Luke, Ella and Luci!