Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Chemo Tears

The American Cancer society just sent me a jumbo pack of pamphlets and booklets... all about Cancer. I didn't open it for a while, it sat on my desk, an ominous package containing what I didn't want to know. I have read a lot about this disease and sometimes I just don't want to know any more. I am LIVING this day after day and I try my best to go on without thinking "I have Cancer", all I have to do is look in the mirror and it says it all. My hair is not hair- it is a jumble of fuzz, sticking out all over, somewhat like a crazy person. On good mornings it actually makes me laugh out loud but the days I feel sick, a glance in the mirror will confirm what I feel.

I think it may be the single most devastating thing that has happened to me~ not because I don't have my hair but because it makes me look sick and thus I feel sick. Silly I know but true.

One day this past week I did open up that big package of information. Most of it was helpful. They let you know what to expect, not always how to deal with it but at least I know what I am feeling is the Chemo~ not me.

I wondered just how long these drugs stay in your system. It seems that the chemo is released from your system by bodily fluids, tears being one of the outlets.

This past week was an OK one for me, I did sleep alot, did not have much of an appetite though and I was very weepy.

Now those of you who know me know that I try to stay as upbeat as possible, concentrating on the good in life, and I do have so much to be thankful for. This week is wasn't working. I would cry in the shower so Clint wouldn't see me, I would cry in bed with the ears silently dripping from my eyes, I would cry if someone came to visit me or call to see how I was. I was a weepy mess, still am for the most part.

I couldn't understand what was happening to me. The Cancer seemed like a snake in my body, slithering it's way through my organs seeing what to get at next. I know this is an awful visual but it is what I was feeling and I just couldn't make it go away.

My feeling of sick sick sick continues and I talked to my doctor last night, he could tell by my voice that things weren't good and asked me to come in to the office today. It was my regularly scheduled Chemo day but according to the numbers and how I was feeling he thought it was a good idea NOT to get infused today, and I wholeheartedly agreed with him . He did give me some fluids while I was there, I lost a record 11 lbs in just two weeks!

I was comforted by the chemo nurse and also by my oncologist, he is a very compassionate man and I am so happy to have him as a doctor.  I will go back next Tuesday and he will reevaluate my chemo and try to balance My LIFE with my treatment.

As I was driving home today I realized that all the tears I have been shedding are CHEMO TEARS, caused by the chemo, trying to escape my body and showing me that I am normal and this is a very scary thing and as much as I want to will it gone and away it will happen in its own time. There is no rushing a cure for this~that is a a fact. So the tears will flow and it is OK for me to feel like this.

I appreciate everyone being my cheering section, God knows I need it now. I just came home from JEFF, beat the snowstorm, so I am happy abut that and now to bed I go!

I will shed my tears and hopefully I will realize that this is all part of getting better.


  1. Susan, I hope the nap you are taking now is one that refreshes you, even if only a bit. Cry those tears - and rid your self of the chemo drugs and of the stress you are feeling. Here's hoping and praying that those nasty cancer cells are being beaten down as much as your body has been in recent weeks.

    Always keeping you in my thoughts and prayers - daily.

  2. Hang in there. You have a lot of people praying for you and wishing you well. Miracles happen every day and if anyone can beat this cancer, it is YOU!

  3. Always keep up on your blog and pray for you. When you are so sick, it is hard to stay upbeat. I, too, am a very positive person but when I was sick, I often cried and at one point wondered if everything was worth it. I am better now and I hope and pray that you will be too. You don't have to be courageous all the time. Sickness is very scary. God bless you and your wonderful Clint and family.

    Diane, Garnet Valley, PA

  4. Susan: Just thought of you today...scrambling for a recipe...went onto facebook and saw your blog....this too will pass....stay true to yourself and be at peace with this disease...do not let it overtake your life....a friend once told me when I was feeling tired and out of sorts because of illness...this is your "new normal"...I love that...take care