Monday, April 18, 2011


Anticipation, that song is running through my mind.

I am prepping for a Girl's Night Out Cooking Class  for tonight and for tomorrow night. I am busy. That does not stop my mind from wandering and going to places I would rather not think about.

Tomorrow I have a 2:15 appointment with my oncologist for what should be a review of what all my doctors have discussed as well as my options for the next step and any questions I could think of. I know it is cutting it close with a class tomorrow night at 6 PM~ given their track record of being on time. It was the only appointment open so I took it. I am anxious to hear what he has to say. I have gone over every conceivable scenario in my mind.

I think I am doing OK, until I find myself in tears for no reason, crying in the shower, silently sitting and thinking way too much! Clint, bless his heart knows me well. He told me last night as he wiped away the tears that were rolling down my cheek without me even realizing it, "it's OK, you have a lot to think about" It will be fine, don't worry"

So the song that I want to sing is "Don't worry, be happy!"Every little thing gonna be all right."

I am really ready for this to be all over, but I know I still have a road ahead of me. Surgery? who knows, I am sure that is what the surgeons will push for~ can I hold off? will it be detrimental to my health, will this Cancer come back full force hurtling me to where I was in last April? Will I have to go back on the dreaded chemo. those drugs are still affecting my body, I have neuropathy, tingling and numbness in my toes and fingers, I am off balance, bumping into walls and doorways, I am achy all over, stooped sometimes like a little old lady, hard to stand up straight. My sense of taste is still dull, I get tired easily and often. My emotions are on edge and I cry easily.

On the other hand and I always like to look at the bright side, I am working as much as I can, my hair (soft fuzz) is starting to grow back and I don't have a chemo pump dangling from my waist!

I think I will take my own advice and take each day, each moment as it comes, trying hard not to look too far ahead. Accepting what is and knowing it will be OK no matter what.

(But I still want it to be OVER!)

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