A New Day a New Perspective

I am coming out of that terrible funk of last week. It took me a while and also a few liters of fluids to feel better. Looking back I think it was dehydration again. As soon as the liquids were in my body I started to feel like myself again. I have to keep a closer watch on this. I do not want to feel like this again!

I spoke in length with the Doctor on Tuesday asking him for a break in treatment so I could work for a few months.

He decided that he would continue treatment but eliminate the biggest drug of all which is causing most of these side effects. He talked about balancing life with treatment, I totally agree. I had no life... outside of my bedroom. I am thrilled with his decision because I really do miss my classes and it is a very hard thing to be self employed with a disease like Cancer. It takes away all your options when you don't feel well and can't work.

So I am looking forward to posting some cooking classes on my web site in about a week or so. I will have a few months to feel better and do some classes~ YEA!!!!!

Thanks so much to all of you who send me prayers and love everyday... I feel them and they do help.

I hope to see you in a class this winter, it will be good to laugh and cook again!

Chemo Tears

The American Cancer society just sent me a jumbo pack of pamphlets and booklets... all about Cancer. I didn't open it for a while, it sat on my desk, an ominous package containing what I didn't want to know. I have read a lot about this disease and sometimes I just don't want to know any more. I am LIVING this day after day and I try my best to go on without thinking "I have Cancer", all I have to do is look in the mirror and it says it all. My hair is not hair- it is a jumble of fuzz, sticking out all over, somewhat like a crazy person. On good mornings it actually makes me laugh out loud but the days I feel sick, a glance in the mirror will confirm what I feel.

I think it may be the single most devastating thing that has happened to me~ not because I don't have my hair but because it makes me look sick and thus I feel sick. Silly I know but true.

One day this past week I did open up that big package of information. Most of it was helpful. They let you know what to expect, not always how to deal with it but at least I know what I am feeling is the Chemo~ not me.

I wondered just how long these drugs stay in your system. It seems that the chemo is released from your system by bodily fluids, tears being one of the outlets.

This past week was an OK one for me, I did sleep alot, did not have much of an appetite though and I was very weepy.

Now those of you who know me know that I try to stay as upbeat as possible, concentrating on the good in life, and I do have so much to be thankful for. This week is wasn't working. I would cry in the shower so Clint wouldn't see me, I would cry in bed with the ears silently dripping from my eyes, I would cry if someone came to visit me or call to see how I was. I was a weepy mess, still am for the most part.

I couldn't understand what was happening to me. The Cancer seemed like a snake in my body, slithering it's way through my organs seeing what to get at next. I know this is an awful visual but it is what I was feeling and I just couldn't make it go away.

My feeling of sick sick sick continues and I talked to my doctor last night, he could tell by my voice that things weren't good and asked me to come in to the office today. It was my regularly scheduled Chemo day but according to the numbers and how I was feeling he thought it was a good idea NOT to get infused today, and I wholeheartedly agreed with him . He did give me some fluids while I was there, I lost a record 11 lbs in just two weeks!

I was comforted by the chemo nurse and also by my oncologist, he is a very compassionate man and I am so happy to have him as a doctor.  I will go back next Tuesday and he will reevaluate my chemo and try to balance My LIFE with my treatment.

As I was driving home today I realized that all the tears I have been shedding are CHEMO TEARS, caused by the chemo, trying to escape my body and showing me that I am normal and this is a very scary thing and as much as I want to will it gone and away it will happen in its own time. There is no rushing a cure for this~that is a a fact. So the tears will flow and it is OK for me to feel like this.

I appreciate everyone being my cheering section, God knows I need it now. I just came home from JEFF, beat the snowstorm, so I am happy abut that and now to bed I go!

I will shed my tears and hopefully I will realize that this is all part of getting better.

On Hold

Many times in our life we are "On Hold."

We want to wait to lose 10 lbs before we put on a bathing suit, we want to get our kids through school before we take a vacation, we wait until our house is spotless before we invite anyone to dinner.

So we put off our life, our dreams, our wants and needs until... until what??? life passes by everyday. We only have a certain amount of time, the amount a mystery. A definite is that we all die, can't get away from that truth.

This thought came to me as I sat on the phone for most of the day yesterday... on hold. Agitating music playing over and over again in my ear... put on hold for 20 minutes at a time and then disconnected and put on hold again. It was a very frustrating experience but one I take a lesson from. I began to zone out during my time on hold, attached to the phone but without  a sense that the situation would change.
I felt the day the time wasted as I sat waiting for someone to help me, give me an answer, just get on the phone to talk to me!

I realized yesterday that we sometimes, most times put our life on hold too, waiting for something to change, waiting for what we want to fall into our laps, not really doing anything that would help it along. We wait, as life passes us by.

I bought myself a really beautiful designer handbag some years ago. It came with its own bag to store it in all wrapped up in tissue, just beautiful to look at. That is just what I did... look at it. I put it away in my closet for a "Special Occasion" and there it stayed wrapped and not used for a few years until one day I thought to myself.. everyday is a special occasion what am I waiting for, why is that beautiful bag in the closet on hold???? What am I waiting for? I realized then what I realize now. Everyday is a gift of life, a new chance, a new beginning. Every day is special. Don't wait, don't put your life on hold... go after it now, do it today. Make small changes everyday toward how you want your life to be. Now is the time.

Life passes you by if you are on HOLD!!!!

Attitude

''It is our attitude at the beginning of a difficult undertaking which, more than anything else, will determine its successful outcome. ''William James

Try not to worry. Try to look at what you're going through as a challenge rather than an obstacle, a time to develop patience. To achieve more objectivity, detach yourself from the struggle. Have confidence in yourself, and realize that you can change your attitude even if you can't change the circumstances.

Look closely at your troubles. Don't let them cause you to give up.

Befriend them and learn from them. Feel them lose their power over you. Allow them to teach you what you want to know and move on..Try not to be afraid.

You're a survivor. You're going to handle this.You're going to find strength you didn't know you had and grace to deal with what ever comes along. Pretty soon, you'll be on the other side, and it's just  a matter of time until you will look back on this time in your life and draw strength from the knowledge that even though the road was rocky, you persevered and carried on.

These are not my words but something I found and thought it was just perfect.
Attitude is everything in life. You can chose your reaction to circumstance even if you can not chose your circumstance.


Think about it~ everyday you are given another chance to make your life better. To look at life as a gift. To know that this is your life and you don't get another chance.

Take some time in the morning as you wake up to a new day to know that you are blessed and you are exactly where you are suppose to be!
Through good times and bad, you CAN do it!
Make your life as happy as you can. It is much more fun to laugh than to cry!~ I know that from experience!!!!

Much love to you this year. I wish you joy and happiness and laughter and family and friends and good food!

Happy New Year!

Here is to 2011! I know I've had some challenges on 2010 but I take with me into this new year all my experiences from last year. They are shaping me now and allowing me to be brave and look forward knowing it will all be OK and I can handle what life holds for me.

I am sitting in my voodoo room looking out the window to a pink tinged sky, this early morning, trees stripped of their leaves waiting for the next season to arrive. That is what I feel like~ I am waiting for the next season of my life. I have been given a new day and new chance to see things in a different way, to appreciate what I already have and a chance to make my life a better one this upcoming year.

My wishes this year are simple. I wish for the strength to get me through this health issue I am facing. I know I will and I ask that I be a better person after this is all said and done. I ask for laughter in my life, it is so important to me to smile and laugh at all that life throws at you!

I ask for the wisdom to know that I am in charge of my life and my feelings and my reaction to whatever comes my way, I ask for the wisdom to handle it all. I ask for kindness, for others and for me, for all the people in my life, kindness to get me through life without anger and sorrow and tears.

I ask for courage, to keep me strong, to keep me believing I CAN do this, I can go through what life has to offer me and be a better person in the end.

Most of all I give thanks for all that I do have, for the person I am today, for the resilience to bounce back after tears and fatigue. For the ability to accept all the goodness and kindness and love and prayers that have come my way this past year. I give thanks to everyone in my life who has supported me emotionally, with a hug or a quart of soup, a warm scarf a tray of cookies, a phone call or email. These acts of kindness and love are what kept me going in 2010 and I hope and pray that you all will be with me in 2011... you are my cheering section, you are my love and support and I made it through to this year because of YOU!

I wish you all the love and hope and smiles that life has to offer, and I hope and pray that everyone takes care of themselves. Your health is so important and you really don't realize this until something happens to change it. Please be kind and good to yourselves this year. Smile, laugh, enjoy the company you are in. Live your life each day as it comes to you, treat others as you wish to be treated, keep an open mind and an open heart to all that life offers.

Have a wonderful New Year and I LOVE you all!

Wonderful Christmas!!!

I woke up on Christmas eve morning feeling like myself!

Wow that was just in time, I have been feeling bad for almost 3 weeks! but this morning was different. I woke up early, made myself a cup of coffee and went into my VooDoo room at about 5 am.
I knew this day would be different than the past 3 weeks, I was ready for Christmas. the tree was up and trains were running, the presents were wrapped and my family was bringing over dinner. Instead of me cooking this year they all volunteered to cook. My son Dominick and his wife came a few minutes early to fry the Flounder and Oysters. My sister dropped off wine, my daughter made the cutest Reindeer cupcakes ever. My sister in law and brother were bringing shrimp cocktail, my mom even made the Calamari and the Baccala. It was a feast in the true sense. It was going to be a wonderful family celebration and I was feeling good! What a great Christmas present for me!

We ate early because everyone was busy and of course I go to bed at 7 PM anymore! the kids were especially good and loved the train set, they took turns operating the trains and being the conductor... it was great fun to see them so excited.

This was my wish, to be surrounded by my family in the traditions that we have always had and to be supported and comforted by the sound of the grand kids laughing. I was feeling good and this was  wonderful present for me.

The next morning it was Christmas and we headed out to Dom and Carries for our traditional Christmas brunch, to see Finn and Gavin and have breakfast with Carrie's parents. It was perfect!
We left to get back home in time for a visit from both of Clint's daughters and Little Clint and Shelby were there too. We celebrated and had a wonderful visit with them.

Time for an afternoon nap and then off to Tina's for Christmas dinner with her in laws and my parents there it was a wonderful and joyous time!
This weekend with the snow and wind was perfect for just staying home and reading, both of which we did. It was a perfect holiday!

Tomorrow we head down to JEFF for my infusion. I am feeling good and I know in a couple of days I will be feeling sick again but you know what?~ I had such a wonderful Christmas that I will take this one day at a time and enjoy every second, sick or not!!!

I wish you all the joy of this season and I hope you are surrounded by love and light and an inspiration to enjoy each day of your life.
This Christmas was different for me but I enjoyed every second and I realize it is not about the presents or having a ton of money.. it is about family and friends and  memories and traditions. I had it all and I am so grateful!

Blessed

As I get through this holiday season, I am wished a Blessed Christmas. It made me realize how blessed I already am.

I am blessed with a loving and caring husband, who has not left my side during these past months of turmoil, anguish and tears. We are in this together and he gives me strength and hope each day.

I am blessed by a strong and supportive family, who wrap their arms around me and make sure I am OK. My children, daughter in law and son in law, all who would do anything to help me at any time.
My Mom and Dad who are stunned by all of this but help me in any way they can. My sister and brother who are always there for me.

I am blessed with my grandsons, who run to kiss me with open arms each and every time I see them.

I am blessed with clients who have become friends and my friends, this seemingly legion of supporters help me make it through each day, sending me cards, notes, e mails, food, gifts and most importantly prayers and hope.

I am blessed with a comforting home, a view out my bedroom window, an ability to share my thoughts in writing. I am blessed with good doctors and caring professional who try to ease this journey.

I am blessed with all the little things life has to offer each day, a sunrise, a amber streaked sky, a full moon, the sound of the wind and my wind chimes, a bubble bath, a soft pillow, an electric blanket, a warm scarf, a good bowl of soup, these keep me warm in my heart and in my soul.

This Christmas season has been very different for me. It gave me a chance to realize I have so much in  my life already.Yes, I am going through a tough time. It is not easy I will tell you that. I have been drawn to tear so much these past two weeks but I will get better and do what I have to do to get to the other side of this journey, this trip through Cancer. I am strong, I have faith and I also have a sense of humor which saves the day more times than I can count.

I did hear from the Liver Surgeon last night at 5:15, long after I gave up hope that he would call me with the results of the MRI before the holiday.

The news was not what I was hoping for. He said that although I was reacting wonderful to the chemo, I still have some "spots" on my liver that will benefit from more chemo. He wants me to have at least 3 more months of chemo before we even talk about the operations. He was brief and I was taken by surprise because just last week he told me my results were dramatic and he thought that he could just cut out the remaining spot which has now turns into spots according to this latest MRI. This is how it goes, up and down and around and around, everything changes in an instant.

Although this is NOT what I wanted to hear especially in the days before Christmas, it is what it is and after I did my crying I realized that I will do what I have to do to get better. If more chemo is the answer then that is what I will do.

And so I am blessed, I am blessed with the will and strength to get through this, I am blessed with family and friends who will see me through these next few months. I am blessed with an ability to turn these feeling of sadness around and be happy to have the care of good doctors and the love of so many people.

I am blessed to be able to enjoy this holiday with my family around me, cooking for me and wrapping me in their love.

I know this is a very busy day, time is scarce but take a minute to count your blessings, it is much more fun than counting presents under the tree. You are blessed in so many ways, take a minute to realize that life is all about family, friends and love and acceptance.

I wish you a Blessed Christmas filled with love and laughter and good food and many many blessing!

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND LOVE TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILIES!!