A Roller coaster ride

I've been holding my breath for about a week now.

I started this week with my PT/CT scan and then blood work. The tests were done in the beginning of the week and both my doctors appointments were not in until the end of the week... that left the middle of the week filled with angst.
I kept myself busy but the anguish of waiting did catch up with me at unexpected moments.

I tried to analyze what I was feeling. Was it fear? hope? probably a combination of both and much more. It was almost worse than the initial diagnosis. I was waiting to find out how the tumor reacted to treatment and what was next.

The days of my doctors appointments are long... we leave the house around 9 in the morning and sometimes don't get home until 4 PM or so. The waiting rooms are just that ... waiting.. waiting... thinking.. thinking. The magazines are Cancer magazines, you just can't get away from it!

I know so many of you are praying for me and sending me good energy, hope & love during this time and I thank you! I truly need it and it helps me so much.

So, I will give you the good news first.

When the surgeon examined me his reaction was of complete delight! "I don't even see the tumor. I only see the scar where the tumor was!" He told me I had the BEST possible reaction to my treatment... couldn't have gone any better he said! He was ready to schedule my operation within these next two week... I will recover quickly he said... I am in great health.

Then he read the written report on the scans... a scowl came over his face. No NO NO he said..we need to address these spots on the liver! Spots??? what spots?
I was told oh- so many months ago that there was a minuscule dot on my liver that could be nothing... it was so small that when they sent me for a biopsy of the liver the doctor couldn't find the spot to biopsy so they just decided to go ahead and treat the colon and re-visit the liver after treatment.

Well it seems that the pesky little dot doubled in size and two more showed up to keep him company.
"If the cancer is to spread it it common for it to go to the liver." My oncologist told me today as he went through the report with me ... word for word... bless his heart!!!! those hours in the waiting room melted away as he took his time explaining the report and what it means and answering our questions over and over.

And so here I sit.. not knowing much more than I did in the beginning of the week other than.. now it is in the liver. (I think I need a drink~what the hell!) A double Martini~PLEASE!

Next week I will meet with another surgeon... this one a liver surgeon. He, hopefully will coordinate with my other surgeon (my-oh-my, so many doctors!) He will give me more information on what is going on (I hope!)

I am sitting at my desks with my rocks and fountain and crystals and ribbons and healing stones.
I am OK. I feel like~ it is what it is and I will do whatever I have to do. I will get through this. I am strong, I am positive, I have a wonderful support system and yes I can do this!

But first~ a double martini!!!~for the roller coaster ride!
(Sorry-Liver!)

Tests

Well this is the week. I came home from a wonderful relaxing time away.
Time away from stress, from doctors, from life in general and time away from Cancer.

I came home to a week's worth of tests & doctors appointments. Monday was the PT/CT scan. Tuesday was blood work. The results have been faxed to my doctors but not yet to me. The results of those tests must be given to me face to face on Thursday with the surgeon and Friday with the oncologist.

Today is Wednesday and I am in a holding pattern trying not to think. It is what it is and I will deal with whatever comes my way. Easier said then done that's for sure!!!

I felt so good while we were away. I said to Clint on more than one occasion"I am cured!!"
Hope does run eternal!

I came home to a pile of cards & notes, all wishing me well, prayers and positive thoughts from my friends, family & clients.

I came home to read a wonderful, inspiring article written about me by Ed Gebhart in The Sunday Daily Times.


I came home to my fight again... and after reading that article I realize that yes, I am strong and yes, I am a positive person and yes, I will be OK. It gave me a chance to see how others are looking at me and that is what is uplifting and inspiring to ME!

So I will write again ... after seeing my doctors and finding out what they have to say about the next step! And yes I will BREATH!!!!!

Healing in Anguilla

They say that the ocean is healing and I can attest to that.

This time away was planned last year before I knew about this Cancer and Clint & I were determined to keep our appointment with tranquility.

We come to Anguilla every year at this time. It is Carnival time here and a week's worth of celebrations and boat races.
Today is August Thursday, a day where the boat races are held on our beach Mead's Bay.

As I write this there is no one on the beach.. it is about 8 AM and the festivities will start later in the morning.
About 14 big sailboats or so will line the surf. Colorful sails will flap in the wind. Shacks are set up to sell local foods.

We will eat some of the most delicious ribs & chicken as well as conch chowder & goat soup, fried jackfish, johnny cakes and of course rum punch.

It has been a time of healing for me, I feel like myself again. I am dreaming & planning and writing. My energy is back as well as my zest for life! this was so important for me... to have this time alone with my husband & my mind.

I am enjoying each and every day of my life!!! My life is now!!! I am making the most of it!

Summertime

Well it sure is summer out there.
I can tell by not only the oppressive heat but the streets are empty... it is vacation time!

This time of year I always start to think of Christmas, call me crazy but it is just around the corner.

It is a time of year for me to gather ideas for cooking classes and new menus and plan my fall culinary tours.

I take out a fresh new pad of paper and keep it with me, jotting down idea as they come, going through magazines & tearing out little bits of interest. Planning & scheming, getting ready for my favorite time of year~ Autumn.

This year is a bit different for me. I am still up in the air about timing for the operation and the chemo to follow. When I think about planning, my heart sinks. I can't make plans!

Every year Clint & I head to Anguilla. We love it on that tiny Island, the peace & quiet, the beautiful beaches, the warm friendly people. Most of all we love the fact that there is nothing to do. Other than relax!!! In the past it has been a time for me to read & open my mind & heart to what I can't see when I am busy!

This year I will be in Anguilla with something else on my mind & in my heart. So I am looking forward to opening myself up to heal & be strong and totally relaxed and ready for what is in store for me when I get back.

I have a weeks worth of tests & doctors appointments the day after we get back. The waiting will be over and I will begin the next step.

I am optimistic about the next step. I am ready and I am strong.

I am also excited to get away from all that is surrounding me here & now and hear the waves & watch the sunset and drink a Margarita too!!!!!

Getting Stronger

This week has been a good one for me... great actually.
I made the decision to go back to the gym.

I was working out regularly before this diagnosis and when I went through the chemo & radiation treatment it was almost unanimous among my doctors that I would not be able to work out. Unfortunately, they were right!

I've always loved to work out. Now don't get me wrong some days I had to talk myself into it, but once I got going~it sure felt good.

I work out with an old time trainer. His name is Marty Feldman. He was a trainer to championship boxers. It is not a fancy gym but it is a well equipped one with any size and type of weights available along with the knowledge that Marty brings to the workout.

He can make some very minor adjustment in my stance or how I am holding a weight and it makes all the difference in my workout.
He also puts together a program that targets the whole body or most in one set of exercises.

Now you can see from how I am describing this that I really do love to work out with Marty. He will be 77 this year and you wouldn't think he was a day over 50!!! Young, strong and in shape!

I felt good enough to go to the gym 5 days this week, just easing my way with lower weights and more repetitions. I felt good every day!

My last visits with the doctors convinced me that the stronger I am going into this operation, the quicker I will recover. So I am determined to get as strong as I can! It feels good, although I still need my nap in the afternoon!!!

I truly believe that we all deserve to take care of ourselves whether it be a walk or a trip to the gym. This body is the one we have.. no trading it in for a new model! I heard a saying once that went like this`" If I knew I would have this body the rest of my life, I would have taken better care of it!"
How true this is... take some time everyday just for you... for whatever makes you feel good, a walk. a nap, a magazine, soak in the tub, watering your garden.

You deserve this time, you will feel rejuvenated and calm. Live in the now with an eye to the future, a future appreciating what you have and enjoying it now, not wishing for something else.

This journey opened my eyes to all that is around me. My family, my friends, my clients, the people I do business with. There is love & a positive energy in all my relationships. I feel it everyday.
A day does not go by that I do not receive a card, emails or calls, often & still several a day, encouraging me, rooting for me, standing next me on this journey through Cancer. I can feel the support & love of everyone and it is what makes me strong, allows me to know that Yes I can do this, people believe in me! and that allows me to believe in myself!

The strength I am building day by day is not only physical but emotional & mental as well.
I am grateful for all of you following me & supporting me. I believe in the power of thoughts & words and prayer! So THANK YOU!!!!

Standing straighter & feeling stronger!

My desk is filled with with stones and crystal balls, candles and sayings. It is to help me, to remind me to heal, to be strong, to give me inspiration. To connect me to the world, to myself, to what I do and who I am.

I have always loved stones and pebbles. There are piles of stones from all over the world in different parts of my home.

When my son was backpacking through Europe after high school., he asked what I would like him to bring me home... I told him stones.
Now that is so funny because he had to carry all the stones everywhere he went. He did improvise and bring me tiny pebbles from Italy & Spain and Switzerland.

Everywhere I go I pick up a stone, from the beaches of the Oregon coast to the sands of Anguilla I have stones. I am collecting a little of the world. A little bit of history, of time. They make me feel good, ground me. They remind me I am only a small part of this big world we live in.

My grandkids are fascinated by these pile of rock in my house. I tell them they are Magic stones.. keeping us safe. I do believe that too!

I walk through my home blessing it... every single room, every doorway, window, table and chair. I love my home and all that is in it. It makes me feel good, feel safe, feel strong. I am so thankful for my home, my stones, my collections.

Now that I am in "waiting mode" before I can take further tests to see how this tumor reacted to the treatment, I have time ... time to look around, time to appreciate, time to center myself and know that I will be OK.

Running a catering business, teaching cooking classes, cooking for Susan's suppers, all of these things took my time. Cancer has my time now. But in this space of waiting. I will use my time to appreciate, bless and be thankful for all that is in my life now.
For Friends, family, food & flowers. These are my rocks, these give me strength. Make me realize that my life is mine and I will be OK!!!

Mama called the doctor & the doctor said...

Nothing.... really...
He could have said "No more monkey's jumping on the bed!"

I went to Surgeon for my appointment today... downtown Philly 102 degrees in the shade.

It was a routine appointment, I finished Chemo & radiation and now I needed to know what was next... I need a plan in my head... I need to know when I will have the operation, how long will I be in the hospital ... how long will my recovery be... how long will I have a colostomy.. how long before I have a 2nd operation to reconnect my colon... how long for me to recover from that???

Oh I had lots of questions .. I needed to have Clint sit in front of the door so he wouldn't leave until he answered all my questions printed neatly on my little index card.

Now don't get me wrong, I do like my doctor..Love would be too strong a word.. I've only seen him 3 times for maybe 10 minutes each time!
But bedside manner as they say ~ nill...
Now don't get me wrong~I would rather have a wonderful, good surgeon than a conversationalist anytime!

He answered my question .. with answers like" I am not sure... I don't know... different for everybody... you have to wait & see... come back in two weeks!!!"

Talk about frustrating! I do realize that everyone is different .. we all heal differently.. we all recover at our own pace.. and so I came home not knowing any more than when I left this morning.

I did try to joke... I wanted to know where the incision would be~ "on my abdomen" he said... up & down scar he said... to which I asked" How about a tummy tuck while you are in the vicinity?"
to which he replied"ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!!" Not much of a sense of humor either!

Well tomorrow back to the Radiation doctor.. maybe she will have more info. I will just keep asking.. hopefully I will know something soon!!!