IMAGINATION

Imagination, Dreams, Daydreams, Wishes, these things have been on my mind.

I read somewhere that if you can imagine it to be true it can happen. I witnessed first hand how your imagination can make things happen. I spent 4 days in Disney with Tina and her family. While we were there we went to see a movie on Walt Disney.

His imagination created the fantasy world we were in. His dedication and perseverance created Disney World. He never gave up, time and again he lost his life savings but he had a dream and he followed that dream. Today it is hard to believe he created this Magical Kingdom where children and parents can come and be in a Fairyland. Somewhere you can forget your troubles and just be a kid.

I looked around me and saw his dream. I thought to myself, what separates him from me or anybody else for that matter? He had an imagination and he believed in his dreams. We all have that imagination, the ability to daydream and wish for our lives to be different.

We all have the same ability, to dream, to create, to wish for what it is we want our life to be. I came away energized to think that I can have a dream and my perseverance to follow it will make it come true. We create our life, we surround ourselves with the people we want in our lives. We chose our surroundings and our careers and our cars, our homes, our partners. Look around you... is your life the way you want it to be? do you have a dream? a wish? a desire? Notice what you pay attention to. Notice who and what is in your life. Think about the small changes you can make that will create a difference in your life.

I realized this week that I am in charge of my life, I need to take care of me and dream my dreams. I want to pay attention to what matters most to me.
On the plane ride home I took out a notebook and wrote somethings down that would make a difference in my life.

~To get up early and write
~To meditate or just sit in silence so I can hear the answers to my questions
~To stretch my body so I am not so tight
~To take a walk or get outside no matter what the weather
~To have a garden
~To let go of the little annoyances in life
~To let go of any guilt
~To stop and talk to people instead of rushing through my life
~To notice what and who matter to me
~To simplify my home, my office, my life in general
~To write daily and long term goals
~To make time to daydream

These are just some of the things I want to incorporate in my life. I want to live in the moment and enjoy all that is around me. I created my world and I want to enjoy it. No matter what the circumstance of my health are I am still living my life day by day, minute by minute and I do have some say in how I enjoy it!

Take some time for you~ make a list of what is important to you. Make a list of your wishes and dreams. Don't let life pass you by with busy~ness and clutter. Enjoy your life TODAY!
YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF YOU!

YEA!!!!!!!!

GOOD NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We headed down to JEFF this morning for an 11:30 appointment with the Liver Surgeon. In the past this doctor has been pretty late with appointments and we've had to wait sometimes 2 hours before we were seen. He also was quick in the room to talk to us, sometimes not even siting down when he came in. He is a great surgeon but not all that good with a bedside manner.

Today was different. We were seen exactly on time and maybe sooner! He came into the room and sat down facing me. I had a list of questions in my hand but believe it or not he answered every one without me asking!!!

I had a good feeling as we sat talking to him. He told me he reviewed the discs and not just the reports.  "You are doing great!" The bigger spot on the right side of my liver is now small enough to be scooped out~ a far cry from taking the right side of my liver out!!!
The smaller spots although there are a lot of them, altogether would fit on the head of a pin!!!! He is not even sure they are cancerous. He said if he went in to burn them he may not even be able to find them.

His suggestion was to make an appointment with the colon surgeon to have him do a biopsy of my colon tumor to determine if the "Lighting Up" is from cancer or radiation. To get his opinion on whether or not he want to remove it now or just take a "Wait and See" attitude.

If the wait and see is what he wants I may go on"maintenance" chemo and they will just keep checking on me. I found out today that this is a LIFE long process... the checking for Cancer.

If the colon surgeon determines that taking out the tumor is best, the liver surgeon will be there as well to scoop out the spot on the right and burn those pesky little spots on the left. Same incision, so I won't look like a french door window with scars running up and down my midsection! THANK GOODNESS for that !!!! Down time from  surgery is greatly reduced from 6 to 8 weeks to 2 to 3 weeks!!

All in all we walked out of his office floating on air, I feel like I've been given a gift, a reprieve, a good report card!!! This is fantastic news.. I am still taking it all with a grain of salt (the only thing my taste buds detect anymore~salt) until I see the colon surgeon but I feel good about his reaction to all my tests and at least I feel like the past 7 months of chemo has accomplished something.

After all is said and done all three doctors will determine what is next. If the operation is a go I still have to wait at least 8 weeks for the AVASTIN drug to get out of my system as it creates problem with healing.
So I have an 8 week rest, my hair (fuzz) is growing back slowly, I am gaining my energy back and I am starting to feel like myself again. All wonderful!!!

This day that I expected to be filled with anxiety has turned out so differently.
My mind created a worse scenario than actually happened, which if you think about it, is always the case.

We left the office and had a nice lunch~ I even ordered a glass of wine to celebrate!
I am thinking on the positive side and blessing my life and all the people in it who have prayed and supported me with encouraging words, flowers, soup, plants cards and tears and hugs, all of it has lifted me up and made me strong enough to face this adversary.

I am truly blessed and grateful.
GRAZIE TANTE!!!!!!!!

Well.............

This week has been up and down. I went for all my required tests in the begining of the week and the wait for the results had me on edge.

Today I called my oncologist and left him a message "Please call me with the results!" I know I will see the liver surgeon tomorrow but he is a surgeon, although an excellent one, he is quick with his visits and gives me little satisfaction. My oncologist spends more time, answering my questions and going over all details. I wanted and needed to talk to him.

Last time we saw the Liver surgeon I told Clint to trip him when he came into the room just so he would stay in the room longer so I could talk to him!!!!

Almost immediately my oncologist called back.

I sat at the kitchen table, phone in hand, pad of paper nearby with Clint on the extension to hear what I didn't.
He started off as he usually does. "Well.... I have both report, I see that things are stable"
STABLE!!!??? are you kidding me, 7 months of side effects and things are JUST STABLE!!!!!!

He calmed me down telling me that this was a good thing, the Cancer did not spread to any other organ. The biggest spot on my liver reduced from a nickle to a dime, the other spots are so small that the PT/CT scan didn't pick them up but the MRI did.

As far as further treatment, he told me he needed to discuss my options with the Liver surgeon after he sees me tomorrow and the Colon surgeon, who I dread seeing but now have to make an appointment to see. They have to re-examine the colon to see why it is still "Lighting Up" for that matter all the spots are still "Lighting up" but he told me it could be from the radiation I got last Spring.

So where am I now? I am thrilled that it didn't spread, I am disappointed that there is still "activity" as they say. I am in limbo. I am hoping to have more concrete answers tomorrow, but I am finding that nothing is concrete!!!

The news I received was not bad news by any means, but I am finding out that there are no black and white answers to Cancer. It is a process, a journey, a hellva trip to be sure!!! I am on the roller coaster of life, holding on for dear life, screaming, laughing and crying part of the way, but the good news is that I am still on the roller coaster!!!!!

So I have news but I don't have answers.

But the sun is shining and I am cooking for a class tonight and I am in good spirits and I will take this moment in time and enjoy it best I can! Life is fragile and I am fragile in some ways and in other ways strong.
Tomorrow will bring more "NEWS."

The Waiting Game

It is Wednesday and I've had all my tests. I've been stuck and prodded and probed and injected, now I have to wait.
Wait for the Doctors to read the test, wait for the Doctors to call me, wait for my appointment with the liver surgeon on Friday.
Wait Wait Wait~ during this waiting period I try to stay as busy as possible. I don't want an idle mind that can fill with fear at the drop of a hat!
I am sending my body messages of healing, love, hope and strength.
I envision my liver clear of spots, my colon free of tumors. I am sending positive energy my way. I am also receiving so many emails and prayers and good energy from everyone. This has got to help!!
On this rainy day I am in the kitchen cooking. It is soothing to me to be stirring and sauteing and cooking my way to a free mind!
I am playing the waiting game but I am doing OK.
The MRI last night felt like I was inside church bells in Tuscany. The booming I heard for an hour or so was transformed to a place in Italy.
I can see now how powerful my mind is!!
I thank everyone for their kindness and encouragement during this waiting period.
And so I wait wait wait.. for news hopefully good, and a plan.

Calmed Down

Yesterday's post was full of grief and fear. I couldn't help it, no matter how hard I tried to be upbeat and celebrate the fact that I was off Chemo and I did it for 7 long months full of side effects and uncertainty. I was still scared, probably more emotional and fearful than any other time.

I don't really understand my feelings but I can say that maybe I just needed to let go, let go of the cheerfulness, the optimism, the face that I have been trying to wear for the last 7 months. I  felt exhausted yesterday, not only physically but mentally and emotionally, drained, all I could do was let the tears slide down my face and be in the moment. I tried hard to change that and then at one point I just let go. I needed to feel those feelings, those emotions. I needed to know that yes, this is a scary thing I am going through and yes, I am not sure of my future. But you know what ? when I woke up this morning I realized that no one knows their future, no one is promised tomorrow, we are all in the same place.

So I started this day realizing that I will be emotional this week, along with fear and uncertainty ~these emotions will follow me until I take all those tests that will tell me if the chemo worked, how much did it work and what is next for me.

It will be a long week but at least, hopefully by the end of this week I will have some answers, another plan maybe, and harbour hope that I will be OK.

I have yet to congratulate myself on these past months, I will do that soon, I did what I needed to do. I stood tall in the face of this Cancer and now I will do whatever I have to do ~ the next step on this roller coaster ride.

So I am drying my tears (some of them anyway) and looking ahead. The fact that I am working and teaching cooking classes is the best thing I can do right now~keep busy and be in the moment.

I wish you peace in your life and in mine too!

Feeling Down

Teary, grumpy, crabby, weary, scared, emotional and nervous.

I feel like I can rename Snow White's Seven Dwarfs with all these emotions going on. I cry at the drop of a hat or if anyone asks how I am doing they will be in for a surprise waterfall from me. I am short tempered and grumpy. I am nervous about these tests results. Will they bring more chemo? did they work? will I have one two or three operations in my future? how will my life change after this? What is next?

All these thoughts are right there in the forefront and it is hard to turn them around. I go to sleep with them swirling in my head and I wake up to the same thoughts. This is the toughest part.

The chemo nurse said to me on Wednesday as I was getting infused with my last chemo "You went through the worst" You did it" You are strong" You will handle what ever comes your way."

Funny deep down I know all that but it is the unknown that scares me to death. I hear so many horror stories and read so much .. to me this is all up in the air. When my doctor can't commit to my future how the hell am I suppose to commit? I want to expect the best, and I do~ but what if?  Silly nonsensical question but there floating in my subconscious non-the-less. All the doubt I can have is right there in my mind, through my breathing, through my trading bad thoughts for good ones, it resurfaces again and again.

I have a busy week next week and that is probably a good thing. I have my PT/CT scan, my MRI of the liver, my appointments with both the oncologist and the liver surgeon to discuss the results and the future. It can't come soon enough. I need a plan, I need reassurance, I need hope, I need support, I need a HUG!!!!!!!

It is not like me to be an emotional mess but here I am weepy, crying, and scared. I guess it is normal but I don't know what is normal anymore.
The nurse just came to DE-access my port and remove the bag of 5FU that I have had hanging on me since Wednesday, I couldn't wait to get it off, I had enough, enough chemo, enough of this Cancer ~ENOUGH!!!!
So it has been 7 months not counting the previous 6 weeks of chemo and radiation last Spring, a year of this... enough already!


Sorry to be ranting and raving but that is all I can do right now! You have been with me through this up and down ride and you are here with me now.

Thank you for that, for the prayers and thoughts and encouragement I have received. It made this journey so far~bearable.
And so I await my future, I will keep you posted.

Finn's Cooking Class demo at his school

This week was "FINN" day at his preschool. As grandparents we were invited to come and participate in his celebration.

I chose to do a cooking demo, and also talk about his Italian heritage of course.

The kids were excited. They each received an apron and we had a brief discussion on food likes and dislikes. I also asked the kids about Italian cooking and what their favorite thing was about Italy. One little boys answer came as a surprise and got a laugh from me! His answer to my questions about his favorite thing in Italy!~Ferrari's ( I don't blame him) he also said he loved Polenta, my favorite food too!!!

We did fruit skewers with strawberries, melon and grapes and celery with cream cheese and raisins also know as ants on a log. The kids had fun and so did we! It was a great way to celebrate Finn and be included in his special week!!!
Here are some pictures.