Saturday, March 19, 2011

Calmed Down

Yesterday's post was full of grief and fear. I couldn't help it, no matter how hard I tried to be upbeat and celebrate the fact that I was off Chemo and I did it for 7 long months full of side effects and uncertainty. I was still scared, probably more emotional and fearful than any other time.

I don't really understand my feelings but I can say that maybe I just needed to let go, let go of the cheerfulness, the optimism, the face that I have been trying to wear for the last 7 months. I  felt exhausted yesterday, not only physically but mentally and emotionally, drained, all I could do was let the tears slide down my face and be in the moment. I tried hard to change that and then at one point I just let go. I needed to feel those feelings, those emotions. I needed to know that yes, this is a scary thing I am going through and yes, I am not sure of my future. But you know what ? when I woke up this morning I realized that no one knows their future, no one is promised tomorrow, we are all in the same place.

So I started this day realizing that I will be emotional this week, along with fear and uncertainty ~these emotions will follow me until I take all those tests that will tell me if the chemo worked, how much did it work and what is next for me.

It will be a long week but at least, hopefully by the end of this week I will have some answers, another plan maybe, and harbour hope that I will be OK.

I have yet to congratulate myself on these past months, I will do that soon, I did what I needed to do. I stood tall in the face of this Cancer and now I will do whatever I have to do ~ the next step on this roller coaster ride.

So I am drying my tears (some of them anyway) and looking ahead. The fact that I am working and teaching cooking classes is the best thing I can do right now~keep busy and be in the moment.

I wish you peace in your life and in mine too!


  1. One thing cancer cannot take away is the SOUL, and yours has continued to "glow" with unwavering & steadfast courage even during the darkest of days! So many are praying for you still.

  2. Sitting here taking big breaths for you.
    You did what you needed to do and showed us ALL how to do it with class, dignity, honesty, wisdom and humor.
    We are all in the same place, as you say. Just hope we can all stand as TALL as you have.
    You are such a winner.