Yesterday's post was full of grief and fear. I couldn't help it, no matter how hard I tried to be upbeat and celebrate the fact that I was off Chemo and I did it for 7 long months full of side effects and uncertainty. I was still scared, probably more emotional and fearful than any other time.
I don't really understand my feelings but I can say that maybe I just needed to let go, let go of the cheerfulness, the optimism, the face that I have been trying to wear for the last 7 months. I felt exhausted yesterday, not only physically but mentally and emotionally, drained, all I could do was let the tears slide down my face and be in the moment. I tried hard to change that and then at one point I just let go. I needed to feel those feelings, those emotions. I needed to know that yes, this is a scary thing I am going through and yes, I am not sure of my future. But you know what ? when I woke up this morning I realized that no one knows their future, no one is promised tomorrow, we are all in the same place.
So I started this day realizing that I will be emotional this week, along with fear and uncertainty ~these emotions will follow me until I take all those tests that will tell me if the chemo worked, how much did it work and what is next for me.
It will be a long week but at least, hopefully by the end of this week I will have some answers, another plan maybe, and harbour hope that I will be OK.
I have yet to congratulate myself on these past months, I will do that soon, I did what I needed to do. I stood tall in the face of this Cancer and now I will do whatever I have to do ~ the next step on this roller coaster ride.
So I am drying my tears (some of them anyway) and looking ahead. The fact that I am working and teaching cooking classes is the best thing I can do right now~keep busy and be in the moment.
I wish you peace in your life and in mine too!
Flavors of Calabria: Amarelli Licorice
9 months ago