Tomorrow I go down to JEFF for what they say is my last treatment in a series of 12.
I have been on chemo for 7 months now, I think it should be my last. The doctors won't commit to anything until all the required tests have been done. I am to see the liver surgeon too, for an MRI of the liver once again. This will all determine what is in my future. Operations? more chemo? did the Cancer spread? the uncertainty of it all is very stressful, almost more so than the treatments. I wake up in the middle of the night without a plan, without direction for my future.
I am a planner, a list maker, I want an idea of what will happen or have a plan, something that will be concrete.
I am finding that nothing is written in stone as they say. My mom has a saying "Carve it in ice."I feel my future is carved in ice, subject to change at any time.
This is the most stressful time for me... the not knowing ... the wondering and guessing. I am usually teary, grumpy and fearful during this time. I am not looking forward to it. Laughter, to me is the best medicine, a medicine I will take over all others!!!!
It seems to me that as much as I hated getting chemo and feeling so sick at least I knew what was next, now all I see is uncertainty. It is scary.
I've been teaching cooking classes in the past few weeks and I was starting to feel like myself, the Susan of old, the women with the dreams and jokes and smiles and lots and lots of ideas. I want to stay that way. I want to laugh and smile and enjoy my life and I find now that I do this one day at a time. My plans don't stretch far and that is OK. I will get through this time and then gather all the info and make a plan, a plan for my future, a plan of hope and love and laughter. Oh and don't forget strength! I need the fortitude that inner strength provides. It will give me peace and that is all we can really ask for in life.
Enjoy the small moments that life gives us, a beautiful sky, a child's smile, a good meal, and the love of those you surround yourself with and the peace that comes with the knowledge that we are where we are suppose to be and really have everything we need right inside of us.
I wish you peace!!!
Flavors of Calabria: Amarelli Licorice
9 months ago