Friday, March 18, 2011

Feeling Down

Teary, grumpy, crabby, weary, scared, emotional and nervous.

I feel like I can rename Snow White's Seven Dwarfs with all these emotions going on. I cry at the drop of a hat or if anyone asks how I am doing they will be in for a surprise waterfall from me. I am short tempered and grumpy. I am nervous about these tests results. Will they bring more chemo? did they work? will I have one two or three operations in my future? how will my life change after this? What is next?

All these thoughts are right there in the forefront and it is hard to turn them around. I go to sleep with them swirling in my head and I wake up to the same thoughts. This is the toughest part.

The chemo nurse said to me on Wednesday as I was getting infused with my last chemo "You went through the worst" You did it" You are strong" You will handle what ever comes your way."

Funny deep down I know all that but it is the unknown that scares me to death. I hear so many horror stories and read so much .. to me this is all up in the air. When my doctor can't commit to my future how the hell am I suppose to commit? I want to expect the best, and I do~ but what if?  Silly nonsensical question but there floating in my subconscious non-the-less. All the doubt I can have is right there in my mind, through my breathing, through my trading bad thoughts for good ones, it resurfaces again and again.

I have a busy week next week and that is probably a good thing. I have my PT/CT scan, my MRI of the liver, my appointments with both the oncologist and the liver surgeon to discuss the results and the future. It can't come soon enough. I need a plan, I need reassurance, I need hope, I need support, I need a HUG!!!!!!!

It is not like me to be an emotional mess but here I am weepy, crying, and scared. I guess it is normal but I don't know what is normal anymore.
The nurse just came to DE-access my port and remove the bag of 5FU that I have had hanging on me since Wednesday, I couldn't wait to get it off, I had enough, enough chemo, enough of this Cancer ~ENOUGH!!!!
So it has been 7 months not counting the previous 6 weeks of chemo and radiation last Spring, a year of this... enough already!

Sorry to be ranting and raving but that is all I can do right now! You have been with me through this up and down ride and you are here with me now.

Thank you for that, for the prayers and thoughts and encouragement I have received. It made this journey so far~bearable.
And so I await my future, I will keep you posted.


  1. As hard as it may be, hold tightly to your faith, hope, and positive thoughts. This will help to get you through this. As you have been, I will continue to keep you in my prayers and thoughts.

  2. You have earned the right to "rant and rave" a little! Hang in there and keep that positive attitude that you have shown all along. Looking forward to seeing you at class Thursday night.

  3. Writing about your ordeal and not keeping your illness secret has helped your thru all of your bad days. Look at some of your posts when the next day could not be predicted. Use your own inspiration to carry your thru the next weeks. Good luck.

  4. This blog is here for you to vent, and it is here for us to "listen". You have many ears here - use them. At least it's something we can do for you......

    Praying and wishing and hoping for lots of upbeat news for you in the coming days, Susan. See you soon!

  5. Rant and rave all night long if it makes you feel better. It's all ok. The worst is behind you and now it's time to move forward. You have alot of people out there praying for you, thinking of you and wanting only good things for you, Clint, and the kids. Stay positive and be well my friend. Jo